4 Things To Ask Yourself Before You Have Sex With The New Guy You're Seeing
The topic of when to have sex with that new guy of yours can be a big deal.
Some people say wait until the third date. Others say wait until you're exclusive. Religion might say wait until marriage.
~Insert multiple eye rolls here~
Sure, it's best to have sex when you want to, but the problem is, sometimes it can be hard to know when that is.
When you like a new guy, you're blinded by the romance of it all.
Everything is ponies and rainbows, you're wearing sundresses even though you usually hate dresses, and even that heap of trash on the sidewalk is poetic.
You're crushing real, real hard on this guy. You compliment him, he compliments you. You wear your one sexy bra for him, he… combs his hair for you.
It makes sense: You like someone, and so you aim to please, even if you are the fiercest, Beyonce-adjacent independent woman in the world.
Sometimes, wanting to make that new guy happy might also make you feel like you should appease him somehow. He might not have mentioned sex yet, but let's be real. He is a guy.
He's hot, he's nice, and you also like sex, so let's do this, right?
It's never that easy when it comes to deciding when to have sex for the first time with a new guy. Uncertainly never feels good when the decision at hand is whether or not to let someone adventure inside your precious bod.
Since you don't have time to sit and wonder, here are four simple questions you can ask yourself before sleeping with him:
1. What Do I Actually Want?
So simple, so important, and so easy to forget to ask yourself.
What are you looking for?
Do you want to have sex with this guy on the weekends, or do you want to start dating this person seriously? You don't have to know exactly what you are looking for, but if you want the latter, proceed with caution. It's impossible to judge if sleeping together will suddenly change things between the two of you.
Sex is awesome, but it tends to complicate things.
“What's really important is the outcome, no pun intended,” says dating expert and founder of SpoonMeetSpoon, Meredith Golden. “If the woman doesn't have interest in a relationship, she can have all the safe fun she wants. But, if she is interested in this guy and wants it to develop into a relationship, she should ask herself how invested he is.”
That doesn't mean you should withhold sex just to try and seem like “serious girlfriend” material. If you want to have sex with this person and you won't insta-regret it in the morning, just do you.
2. What Does He Want?
Ideally, if you are in bed together, you should know a little bit about each other.
Maybe you've been on some dates, maybe you've talked about past relationships, and maybe you see where your life is headed.
While you don't have to directly ask him what his future holds as he's pulling a condom out of the drawer, you should probably wonder what he wants out of a sexual relationship with you.
Ask yourself: Does he seem like a f*ckboy looking to get in, get off, and get out? Does he seem emotionally available? Does he seem a little more into me than I am to him?
All valid points to wonder, but it's best to take care of yourself, while still being considerate.
When it comes to sex, men have feelings too.
3. Do I Care If He's Sleeping Around With Other People?
You might feel differently, but I envy men who exude the prowess to corral multiple sexual partners at once without catching feels.
The “exclusive talk” isn't a requirement before sleeping with someone you just started dating, but if you're having flashbacks to that time you slept with a guy only to find out he was committed to about seven other women in your city, maybe take that as a red flag.
If he's evasive and lackadaisical when it comes to telling you about his dating history and the “R-word”, trust your gut.
Maybe this isn't your man.
4. Is There A Part Of Me That Feels Like I Owe Him Something?
If the answer to this is “yes”, just say no.
I don't care if he bought you dinner, took you to see Hamilton, or flew you to Paris.
Sex is a personal decision with the potential for heartbreaking consequences, and both parties should have their minds equally committed. You shouldn't feel like you owe him anything.
The men you sleep with should never leave you feeling like sex is required as part of dating.
They'll treat you like Kate Middleton, be patient in your decision making, and respect the fact that you can make up your mind whenever you please.
It's okay to wait until you're feeling more confident.
“Keeping your pants on will keep him around longer, this creating more opportunities to learn how amazing you are with each new encounter,” says Golden.
Guys don't give up easily, and the right guy for you will stick around, no matter when you decide to have sex.
If you are fiercely honest with your wants and needs before deciding whether or not to sleep with a new guy, I promise you'll come to the decision that's best for you.
All in good time, girl.
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