What To Do When You Have Feelings For Your Friend, But Are In A Relationship
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Question from the reader:
Hi Gigi,
I have been with my girlfriend for a little over two years with some bumps along the way, mainly due to our abysmal sex life. I have been friends with another girl whom I very briefly dated years ago, only ending things because she was studying abroad. I've realized my feelings for her never went away, but I also love my girlfriend.
My girlfriend doesn't want me speaking to her and recently saw her text me. This led to a huge blowup, and my girlfriend sent a long, scathing text to my friend whom she has never met. I texted my friend apologizing for putting her in the situation and for the things that were said to her, but I haven't heard from her.
I am afraid I have lost her. Do you have any advice as to what I should do in this situation?
- E
Hi E,
Thanks for reaching out. This is an age-old dilemma a lot of people face, men and women alike. We often find ourselves in a relationship, and suddenly, our friendships with members of the opposite sex become compromised. Jealousy is a natural human emotion, and if you have a close female friend, you can bet your girlfriend is going to have a problem with it.
My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for two years. It's a very healthy partnership, but if homeboy were hanging out with, talking to and confiding in another girl, I would flip my shit. That is just shady AF, you know?
Even if they'd been friends for a long time, I don't see myself being cool with it. Then again, I don't really believe in men and women having platonic relationships. One of the parties involved almost ALWAYS wants to have sex or date.
In my experience, I've found this to be true about 99.9 percent of the time. And this is also true for you because in your situation, you've admitted you have feelings for your friend.
The only thing you can do is choose. Either you choose your girlfriend and stop being friends with that girl, or you break up with the girlfriend. There is no other way around it. If you don't choose, your girlfriend will likely choose for you. And you will not have a girlfriend anymore, IMHO.
Whether or not you have feelings for the friend, if I were your girlfriend, I would not be cool with this bullshit. It's just not appropriate, considering you had a romantic relationship in the past. It is disrespectful.
Since you have feelings for the friend, it only strengthens this argument. You can't have your cake and eat it, too. You have to decide who is more important and make a decision.
Stop being a fuckboy and man up, OK?
These decisions are obviously not easy, but they have to be made. I can't tell you whom to choose; only you can decide what's best for you. Honestly, it sounds like you're not that into your girlfriend. But if you are, I would suggest investing in that.
You say your sex life sucks, so why not work on improving that? What are the core reasons for it sucking so much? Work on that, and see if things get better.
If they don't, move on. There are plenty of fish in the sea, after all.
I hope this helps!
Yours in lust,
XOXO Auntie Gigi
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