How To Make Being Branded The 'Nice Guy' Work For You On The Dating Scene

“You're a really good guy, Ryan. Thank you for being such a nice guy. Thanks for listening. You're a great friend.”

To my knowledge, I don't have any tattoos. But, I'm starting to think there's a blatant brand across my forehead that reads, “Safe.” I listen when people talk, I give dope advice and I'm pretty sensitive. I'm also not constantly trying to have sex with people I know and complete strangers, so there's that. I'm your typical "nice guy."

Not completely sold? Here are some more of my credentials:

• I've never been mean to a woman who didn't already do something mean to me.
• I've driven an ex-girlfriend home from a party because she was too drunk, and I let her sleep in my basement (aka, I acted how every man should act in this situation).
• I've hung out with female friends without alluding to sex.
• I've said, “I love your haircut!” when I really didn't give a sh*t about the woman's haircut, and the only reason I knew about the haircut was because I stalk IG like it's my job.

Women don't see me as a threat, and neither do their parents or friends. They know I'm not going to hurt anyone  —  physically or emotionally  —  and that, if I do happen to break a heart, it'll be in the least damaging way possible. Like my face tattoo suggests, I'm “safe.”

But, safe isn't sexy . Nobody wants to f*ck the nice guy. Women want to vent to the nice guy about the mean guys who hurt them. They want the nice guy to be there when they need help, need to feel pretty or need to feel in control.

How do you know if you're a nice guy?

Listen, there's nothing I can say about how nice guys finish last that thousands of perennial friends like me haven't already plastered all over the Internet. But please believe me when I say, you don't want to be the nice guy.

Let's say you're trying to be an assh*le to a woman who already has you pinned as nice. You tell her to sit on your face. Instead of flipping out, slapping you across the face and calling you a disgusting pig, she replies, “OMG, thank you so much! My feet actually really hurt from walking around in these heels all day.” She then proceeds to literally sit on your face.

Because there's nothing sexual about being a nice guy. You're no more desirable than a chair. Actually, you basically are a chair. When she needs to rest, there you are. When she needs help reaching something, there you are, still. Believe you me, she won't hesitate to step all over you ,  heels and all.

While this example above is exaggerated, most guys have to worry about their comments being misconstrued as dickhead remarks. If you worry about the opposite, I'm sorry dude. You're a nice guy.

Being nice is like quicksand.

Once women decide you're a nice guy, that's it. Close up the books because it's over. As you can see in the “sit on my face” situation above, even when you try to be a dick, you sink further.

Women will say, “No, I know you. You're not a bad guy.” You're trying to be a douche to them, and they start making excuses for you. Jesus, if their friends have also you pegged as nice, grow a man bun and stop showering. Maybe then they'll swoon. Otherwise, you have this situation to look forward to:

“Bryan? No, he wouldn't tell you to sit on his face. He's a nice guy. He probably noticed how tired you looked after walking around all day. Girl, where'd you get those heels though?”

This is how nice guys can move out of the friend zone.

Spend enough time with a woman, and she'll get used to how nice you are. Contrary to what a lot of guys think, she's not hanging out with you just to screw with your head. No, she's spending time with you because she enjoys your company.

You make her feel good, you encourage her, you listen to her and you give her the male attention she isn't getting from the guy she's sleeping with. You're like her best female friend, except your name isn't some variation of Brittany, and you haven't even made out with her once,  drunk or sober.

When you combine what you offer with what she's getting from the other guys,  this woman is getting all of the components of a full, functional relationship. Can you blame her for being satisfied with the way things are going? She essentially has her cake and is eating it, too.

But, it's fine. People aren't obligated to put themselves in your imitation Jordans. Guys always complain about not knowing what women are thinking. Well, women don't always know what men are thinking, either. So, it's not her fault you're such a doormat. If you're not happy only being a friend, speak up. Just be prepared for the same type of honesty from her.

If you decide you can't take any more  —  you can't handle friendship duties without the handholding and all that other good stuff  —  she's going to realize something after a while. She'll realize she doesn't really like this other dude. In fact, he's kind of an assh*le.

Now, this can play out one of three ways.

1. She thinks about it really hard and decides to drop the f*ckboy and get with the nice guy. (It's almost never this one, but I put it first because it'd be cool, right?)
2. She thinks about it really hard and sticks with the f*ckboy because he has a huge dick and connections to the casting director of "The Bachelor."
3. She doesn't think about it now, but somewhere down the line, she decides to exclusively date nice guys.

In the third scenario, this woman probably won't end up dating you. But do you see what happened? Because of your unwavering niceness  —  even when you were fed up with the friend zone and could've probably been a dick about it  —  you proved to her that guys can be good.

Not every dude is an assh*le, and she deserves better. Without someone like you, she may have never understood that. This is why, while you don't want to be the nice guy, it's for the greater good. Don't hate it ; embrace it. It's who you are.

Somebody has to do it, and even though you didn't win over that woman that one time, you've set another dude up for success. You made someone rethink the way she saw the world, relationships and herself. You inspired her to make a change. In an ideal world, a similar door will open for you soon enough. Believing that helps me sleep at night.