A Step-By-Step Guide To Being The Perfect Hot Mess During Your Breakup
There's only one thing I hate more than being in a relationship: breaking up with someone.
It's almost like your ex died, but then someone else gets to have them.
Breakups can be pretty painful, especially if you're not that good with emotions.
Here is a breakup guide for those of you who are emotionally challenged, or don't feel comfortable owning your new identity… as a hot mess.
1. Cry everywhere.
At Panera. Standing in line at the grocery store. Walking home. On your floor. In the shower. At work.
Better yet, work remotely from home. Because you're a hot mess.
Experiment with different types of cries: painful sobbing paired with screaming and gasping for air, silent tears that stream down your face, the kind of sobbing that makes your body shake… want more? Do what you want! Your options are endless!
2. Make a depressing playlist, but only listen to one song, on repeat.
Your playlist should have hundreds of sad and angry breakup songs on it. But really, you'll just keep replaying one because it best describes how you feel.
Play it until you hate the song more than you hate the state you're in.
I recommend “Wrecking Ball” by Miley Cyrus or “You're So Vain” by Carly Simon. Also, Boyce Avenue does an incredible cover of TSwift's “Last Kiss” that will make you almost want to die.
3. When your Uber driver politely asks how you are, start bawling.
Look, it's his fault he asked, “How are you doing today?” without wanting a legitimate response.
All you can do is start crying your eyes out. Tell him about every regret you have ever had, in great detail.
He. Definitely. Cares.
4. Binge-watch reality TV.
“The Hills” is good. LC gets it.
Plus, there's at least one breakup every episode, so you can be sad AND mad together. And there are always make-ups, so you can judge them for getting back with an ex and feel superior for not doing the same!
5. Spend $800 on shitty seats for a Beyoncé concert.
You don't have to save money to eat for the summer. Beyoncé is more important, and she understands you like a significant other never will.
6. Get super drunk at a restaurant by yourself and be asked to leave.
The earlier, the better. The more family-oriented the restaurant is, the better.
7. Analyze articles about your zodiac and decide you've been doomed by the universe.
You didn't do anything wrong… you've just been forever doomed by your zodiac and the stars in the sky.
It's not your fault that Cancer signs are guarded, self-absorbed and insecure. It's just the way the stars aligned!
8. Freak out your booty call.
Have a different ex come over for a booty call, but, at the last minute, change your mind and un-invite him.
The reason? If you have sex with someone else, you'll probably cry. Tell him this.
9. Forget every memory you've ever had, and every emotion you've ever felt.
The more you resemble a zombie, the better.
10. Begin to feel bored of how shitty you feel and realize you are amazing.
You are flawed and amazing. Chapters end and new ones begin.
You need to fall in love with yourself and be entirely happy before you meet the right person. Every breakup brings us closer to someone we're more compatible with.
Let's pause a minute. This is a lot.
Don't strive to do all of these in one go, or ever. But if you do, it's OK and you'll be fine. I'm proof! You'll eventually be a better version of yourself than you are today, no matter how bad you feel right now.
It will take time to feel better, just like the relationship you just finished took time to build.
Let yourself mourn that shit so you don't explode in a couple months. Then, don't look at your breakup or the relationship as negatives. They were supposed to happen. Try to understand them, and learn from the mistakes you made so you won't repeat them.
Also, learn from the mistakes your ex made so you won't date someone similar.
Unfollow your ex on Instagram; remove them on Snapchat. You can't be friends who communicate immediately after a break-up — if you can, then you probably weren't that into them in the first place. We recommend a cleanse of them from your life for at least a month.
But, whatever you do, know that everything will be OK.
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