I Cloned My Penis And I Recommend You Do It, Too
Imagine the prospect of being able to clone a penis. Pretty terrifying, right?
The idea of turning your own cock into a Frankenstein composite is something that should be subject to discussion before such a procedure is ever made possible. But here I am, boastfully announcing that I have effectively cloned my own actual, flesh-and-blood penis.
I guess I should first clarify that the act of cloning my penis isn't nearly as scientific as I'm making it seem. It's almost Halloween, after all, and a Frankenstein reference was too difficult to pass up.
What I've actually done can more accurately be described as turning my penis into a dildo.
The Portland-based company has produced a DIY kit that lets men create an exact replica of their penis and then turn it into a personalized vibrating dildo for your gal.
In fact, Seth Rogen had reached out to the company for the movie “Neighbors” when Zac Efron and his fraternity sold dildos made from their own modest members.
When I opened the cylindrical package (which would soon become the tube that housed my penis as well as the contents outlined below), I instantly realized that creating this dildo would be like a high school science experiment.
There the ingredients were, splayed out in front of me: a rolled up mat of instructions, a container of transparent goop, a container of neon goop, a beaker, a thermometer, a sealed bag of powder, and last but not least, a vibrator.
After I studied each of the ingredients, I went to work on creating my dildo. As per the instructions, here's how I did it.
1. Cut tube to match the length of your erect penis, plus half an inch.
So I'm going to be honest here: I fucked up step one. To my delight, I cut my tube too short. My head was already pushed up against the end despite being instructed to allow for half an inch.
Good thing I got two! The second time, I added another few inches to the tube.
2. Tape around the edge of the tube. This will be pressed against your body so you want it to be smooth.
3. Measure 3/4 cup of 90-degree F water to pour into a large mixing bowl.
I had no idea what 90 degrees F was, so I pulled an amateur move: I measured my water and placed it into a pot on the stove.
4. Start your timer. Cut open the bag of white molding powder, pour it into the bowl of water and start mixing. Stir no longer than 60 seconds.
This is where things get pretty scary because now it's all, like, scientific and stuff. The steps grow increasingly more strict at this point and based on my fuck-ups thus far, I wasn't feeling so confident. But, I did it!
5. Pour the mixture into the molding tube. While standing, quickly insert your penis before two minutes is up.
This is where I screwed up. Again. When I poured the mixture into the molding tube, I must have taken too long; by the time I'd gotten myself hard enough, I jammed my boner into the mold and watched it bend to an abnormal angle.
Here is some evidence of my failure:
Evidently, my mixture had hardened too quickly and my penis paid the price. I didn't want to let that boner go to waste, so I watched a few clips on my phone.
At this point, I'd climaxed and kind of wanted to nap or eat stupid amounts of hummus. I opened the fridge, went to town on anything that could be cooked in the microwave and resolved that I'd return to the project tomorrow.
6. Press the tube against your body. The molding gel will completely solidify in about two more minutes.
The next day, I did what I set out to do: Created the mold, poured the mold and pushed my dick into the oatmeal-like mixture. Probably as a reaction to what I was sticking my dick into, I began to go a little soft.
7. Once the mold has gelled, remove your penis while leaving the mold inside the tube. To get the most detail, let this sit for four hours before moving on.
I waited the full four hours.
8. Mix the two jars of silicone together in a clean, disposable container. Use the wooden stick to get all of the silicone out and mix for at least two minutes.
I get to use the neon silicone now. Finally.
I grabbed a disposable container and mixed the thick, slimy silicone together. I timed myself for two minutes until the ingredients were blended into one, cohesive, neon pink gunk.
9. Pour out any water that has accumulated in the bottom of your mold and slowly pour in the silicone.
Though it took forever, pouring the molasses-like substance into the mold was not unlike watching the slime fall as the credits rolled in the “Goosebumps” series.
10. Cut a small “X” in the center of a small piece of cardboard. Push the vibrator through the cut until only the screw cap sticks out one end.
Easy enough. Done.
11. Insert the silicone and cardboard assembly into the center of the filled mold so that the cardboard rests flat against the top of the tube.
This part was fun. And by “fun,” I mean fucking horrible. As instructed, I slowly poured the neon pink mixture into the mold, filling it to the tip. This was a mistake.
By not allowing space for the vibrator to be added when I did insert it my mold overflowed with this thick pink gunk. It poured all over my hands and onto my kitchen table. See below.
I desperately tried washing my hands, but since this was silicone I was dealing with it didn't work. I went as far as to scrub my hand with steel wool to no avail.
I Lady Macbeth'ed the hell out of my hands until I discovered that coconut oil was the best remedy for getting that shit off.
Needless to say, this kit should definitely include gloves.
12. Wait 24 hours before removing your finished dildo from the mold.
It was time for the big reveal. After 24 hours had passed, I wiggled and pulled the dildo out with all my might.
The results were disappointing. I was right, I'd lost significant inches when inserting my near-flaccid cock, but the detail was incredible. You can see every vein and wrinkle in your manhood. As far as that goes, I was impressed.
Unfortunately, I cannot show you my finished product. My fiancée has made it perfectly clear that if I did, she would kill me. So here are other people's results, courtesy of Clone-A-Willy's Tumblr account:
So now that it's all said and done, was the result worth all the trouble?
In a space where personalization is virtually non-existent, I love the personal touch that Clone-A-Willy offers prospective buyers. Though the process was admittedly tedious (my own failures prove this fact), the result was a moderate success. But just moderate.
I wish the process allowed for more time to mix the mold and get sufficiently erect before it hardened. If that were the case, I'd be much more pleased with my results.
To be fair, prior to getting started the kit does tell you that this process is exponentially easier if your partner's present. But since this was a gift for my partner, I didn't want her to know I was tossing my dick into what felt like wet cement.
The finished product was actually a lot more solid than I would've expected, both in theory and actuality. When I gave it to my fiancée, she was thrilled but she said it was harder than she would've liked.
Honestly, for something so personal and effective, the very fair retail price of $49.95 is worth it. There, I said it.
Clone your cocks, gentlemen. Clone them proudly.
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