Whenever I text a guy, I never know when he’ll respond — or if he’ll even respond. (Keep in mind here that I’m usually dealing with self-obsessed morons.)
So, I have to do a million things to distract myself while I wait for him to text me back. Because if I sit there and stare at my phone, well, we all know it’s pointless to sit and watch a boiling pot.
In an interesting turn of events, I often find I’m quite the productive human being while waiting for that text back. (Maybe I should text fuckboys more often. Lolz.)
Here are all the 25 things I do to distract myself while I’m waiting for a guy to text back:
1. Go for a run without my phone.
…In the hopes that by not looking at it, he’ll be more likely to text me.
2. Take an unnecessarily long shower.
One where I shave my legs and my nether-regions, etc., even though I’m not getting any.
3. Call up my sister.
(Love ya, sis.)
4. Call up my ma.
Whom I haven’t spoken to in a month.
5. Call up a friend.
Not because I would particularly enjoy her company in that moment, but just so she can be there to take my phone away from me.
6. Call up my landlord so he can fix my “broken” toilet.
Even though it really isn’t broken. He hates me.
7. Spoon peanut butter out of a jar.
I do this until I feel like I’m about to throw up.
8. Set an alarm and take a little snooze.
9. Sleep through that alarm.
Still no text back? Yea, I’m gonna keep napping.
10. Text a bunch of people I know will answer me.
My phone will eventually become flooded with texts not from him because this way, I give myself false hope and false hope is better than nothing. (Why is this getting so dark?)
11. Text another fuckboy, in case this one falls through.
‘Cuz we all need a backup fuckboy.
12. Convince my friends that we should start drinking despite it being a Tuesday night, because everything’s easier to deal with when you’re drunk.
13. Rediscover my love for music.
Why did I neglect the guitar under my bed for so long? Time to whip this bad boy out again.
14. Forget my love for music.
…Alright, that was fun.
15. Pen a 3,000 word essay on my theories about Napoleon.
I’ve always wanted to do this. No time like the present!
16. Swear to myself I’ll never text this guy ever again.
17. Begin my “self-improvement” project.
Where I put post-its on a tack board on my wall that say things like “love yourself!” and “strong, independent woman.”
18. Buy a coloring book.
Coloring is where it’s at.
19. Buy a million other things at the convenience store that I don’t need (and can’t afford).
Yo, I don’t need toilet paper right now, but I might as well just buy some for next month.
20. Go home and color in that coloring book.
Only to realize I suck at coloring.
21. Online shop
Great, now I’m broke and unloveable.
22. Whip out my vibrator.
“Looking forward to a little afternoon delight…”
23. Clorox my bathtub.
Man, I haven’t seen this thing this white in so long.
24. Vacuum my floors.
And the walls too, because why not?
25. Put down the vacuum and pick up the dust bunnies, individually.
I even start talking to them.
…Oh, well, looky here! He texted me back… three hours later.
WTF? That was only three hours?! Huh. I’ve never been so productive in my life.
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