So. You are divorced. You fell in love, dated for two or three years, then popped the question/ said yes. You dreamt of white picket fences, 2.2 children, a cat named Roscoe and a dog named Jack. Everything was perfect, for a while. Two years have gone by, and now all your discussions are at 80 decibels and you lie awake at night thinking of the perfect murder (Vat of acid. Always go with a vat of acid).
How are you feeling, these days? I bet pretty sh*tty. You probably feel like a failure, a statistic and at a loss for how to return to normality. “Who gets divorced before 30? Where did it all go wrong? It was probably those stupid people names we gave to the pets.” But guess what? You’re not alone.
According to people way smarter than we are (well, you at least), the divorce rate for people under 30 is more than two times greater than the national average. And while the national average has finally leveled out, the rate amongst us Y-ers keeps increasing. (I’m not going to cite my references. Go look them up yourself and stop being a sheep. Do not be your parents.)
Personally, I know three people I consider good friends who have separated or finalized their divorce in the past six months. All have had marriages for not even three years. That seems ridiculously high for the amount of people I know who are married. And this is not including the people I consider no more than acquaintances, or those I knew from high school. Do you know how many older couples I know that have split in the past year? No. And neither do I, I don’t hang out with old people.
The point is, the reason the younger you marry, the more likely you are to get divorced is that you don’t even know who YOU are yet. All three of my friends have said the same things: “We want different things. We are two different people. We have grown in different directions. I can’t be married to a never-nude.”
They all went to counseling and made several attempts to salvage the relationship they have invested so much in. But at the end of the day, how can you make it work with someone if you do not even know what makes YOU work? Your twenties are a time for discovery and exploration. Do not get this confused with experimentation. That was college.
Now is the time to grow from that experimentation and become your own individual and find what makes you want to wake up in the morning. You restrict this growth when you now have to legally consider the well-being of someone else, and at times put their needs before yours. This is not a bad thing. Now just is not the time for it. These friends of mine have slowly discovered who they were and what they want. And their aspirations did not line up with their partner’s.
Now, being divorced at a young age beats the hell out of being miserable and splitting up when you are older. Odds are you have 0.0 children, which obviously adds an entirely different layer of difficulties to the divorce proceedings. You are still in the prime of your life and do not quite have as many responsibilities that may restrict you in the dating scene.
Nobody expects you to have been married by now, and no one has to know you are divorced if you do not want them to. You can still view the failed marriage as nothing more than long term dating. Take a few months to collect your thoughts, purge yourself of the other, and get back into the game.
This is where divorced men have it easier than divorced women. You are a divorcé, whose heart has been broken by your seemingly one true love. Run the play. Women eat that sh*t up. You are a wounded bird with a broken wing; all you need is a little TLC to feel better. And by TLC, I mean sex. A lot of sex.
Women, it is going to be rough at first. Not a lot of men want to deal with a divorced woman. You are seen as having too much baggage, and men do not want to risk getting involved with a potential stage-5 cling on. But some men will also prey on this, so take heed. Is it fair? Absolutely not; but it is reality, so protect yourself. Men are douchebags. But you already know this. You just got divorced.
At the same time, your dating scene has always been easier than a man’s. So work your talents (boobies) and get you some. Just keep it casual.
Though divorced, and it may not seem like it at the time, you have a leg up on we singles looking for real love. You know exactly what you want in a partner, from dating to marriage. Those of us who have dated extensively are pretty sure we have the pool narrowed down to a select few traits that are deal makers and deal breakers. But we do not know how it will all hold up in marriage. That is something you have to buy to drive.
You KNOW exactly what you want all the way to the end (your untimely death). You know what to ask, do and say. And what you would like your spouse to ask, do and say. Even if we non-marrieds live with a partner, the ring changes everything. We all know it is just a piece of metal and some words, but something flips in the brain. Good thing you already had a dry run before opening night, the one that will last forever. We others will be dancing blindly, hoping not to crush our partner’s foot enough for them to run off the stage.
Is it going to be easy? No. Did you help contribute to the failed marriage? Absolutely. Is it the end of the world? No. You will bounce back. The greats always do. If failure leads to true happiness, is it really failure?
Now get out there and bang some hood rats.
CR | Elite.
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