5 Stupid Ways Guys Have Tried And Failed To Make A Move On Me
Chivalry is dead. This isn't groundbreaking news here, people, but I'm about to dedicate an entire article to show you just how much chivalry is buried.
First off, let's define chivalry, shall we? The code of chivalry “emphasized bravery, military skill, generosity in victory, piety, and courtesy to women.” The key word in there is bravery.
So, again, why is chivalry dead? Because men, like women, have begun to hide behind their emotions. Men won't make a move, even when they want to. And then women are the ones who get pegged as crazy and nonsensical when they make moves.
Men used to run halfway across the world, gallop in on white horses, duel other men to get the girl. Now they're liking Facebook statuses in an attempt to show us just how much they care about us. K.
I've recently developed a new crush. I met him through a good friend, and he keeps dropping these teeny-tiny hints that he likes me, but he won't actually do anything about it. So naturally, I'm sitting here thinking what I should do to get things going. But why do I have to do anything?
“Why can't he just ask me out already?” I asked a girlfriend, frustrated as f*ck.
“He isn't making a move because he's scared!” she said in his defense (how rude).
OK, but what about me? Can we acknowledge that I'm scared, too? I'm not going to cry for you, boy. I'm a girl and I, too, have been rejected and heartbroken. I've loved and lost. So I guess I'd like you to step it up and ask me out in a normal, old-fashioned way. Pick up the phone and invite me to dinner. But you won't, because that's just the world we live in now.
Here are all the modern, Millennial, low-key, dumb AF ways guys have attempted to show interest in me instead of making a real first move.
When he liked my Facebook status.
This one dude and I became fast friends — uh, Facebook friends — and our social media relationship started off like any other.
He liked one of my Facebook statuses (because it was OBVIOUSLY great), but then he started liking all of my sh*t. Not one day would go by where he didn't like my status. He was clearly trying to send me a message in his own stupid way, and I didn't find it to be endearing. I just found it annoying.
Yo, listen. I get it. I get how easy it is to do something behind a computer (I get called a slut by rando Internet trolls, like, at least seven times a day). But can you cut the sh*t and ~like~ something I have to say IRL over a drink?
When he told my friend that he was into me but couldn't tell me himself.
Back to the crush. He's cute and has a dope AF job. But apparently he's really lacking in the BALLS department. He keeps hitting up our mutual friend to tell her he's “down” with me, and then my friend will relay the message, saying, “Yo, Sheena, Michael* wants to get with you.”
OK, thanks, you two. Now, you tell me: WTF am I supposed to do with that information without both feeling and coming off like a desperate-ass single girl? I'm not going to approach Michael. He should be approaching me.
For whatever reason, there's a double standard: When a man goes after a woman, he's confident. It's sexy. But when a woman goes after a man, she's DESPERATE! RUN AWAY! There's no way in hell she can be independent and pursue someone! She CRAZY! AHHHHH.
Anyway, come tell me, you doofus. Yes, you.
When he sat on my bed for three hours watching TV with me but didn't go in for the kill.
OK, one time, a guy I'd met out (who I'm preeetty sure is into me but I don't know for sure) was just chillin' with me on my bed watching “Breaking Bad.” We were smoking weed and drinking wine, and sexual tension was commanding the room more than Jesse Pinkman's “BITCH” outbursts were. After reaching a stage between drunk and too-drunk, I subtly let him know I was interested, but he decided to go home instead.
So, hold up. Let me get this straight. You agreed to come to my apartment at 9 pm on a Wednesday night to watch a show, drink and smoke with me in my bed, and you weren't going to do anything about it? OK. All right. Unless you changed your little mind, boy, you've got no excuse.
When he eye-f*cked me at the bar for a solid half-hour but didn't come up to me.
Dude. There is NO excuse for this one. You're in a bar, surrounded by strangers you'll never see again, with ALCOHOL as your worthy adversary. And you're telling me you're still too afraid to take a leap of faith and ask me out?
Standing in the corner, eye-f*cking me while I'm eye-f*cking you while you sip your gin doesn't make you ~chill~. It doesn't make you ~mysterious~. It makes you look like a fool and a half.
When he told me he was obsessed with me when he was drunk but couldn't say it sober.
I don't think I can express just how much of a wimp you are if you can open your heart when you're drunk but can't do it sober.
I understand you fear rejection. I understand alcohol helps to alleviate that fear. But you know what? If you open up to me sober, I might just say yes. I want a man, and a real man isn't afraid to say what he's thinking, so chances are that if you man up, you might just have a shot in hell with me.
Regardless of what your go-to is when you don't want to make a move, I have one message for all of you: GROW A PAIR AND MAKE THE F*CKING MOVE. You are a MAN, goddammit. Live up to what it means to be a man.
*Name has been changed.
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