This Girl Hid A Bag Of Her Poop At Her Tinder Date’s House And Somehow The Night Got Even Worse
If you're a human woman with a semi-active dating life, chances are, you've had to take a sh*t at a Tinder date's house. Chances are even higher you've had a minor panic attack about it, even though you know it'll inevitably turn into a funny Tinder date story you tell your friends at brunch. Isn't it funny how guys don't think twice about pooping at your place? They simply say, "Hey, using the bathroom quick," and blow up your toilet with whatever Mexican food you guys just had for dinner, embarrassment over plopping sounds and the need for Febreze spray be damned. (Lord, give me the confidence of a man who fearlessly takes a sh*t in a woman's 300-square foot studio.)
Though pooping at a date's house is undeniably the worst experience of any woman's life (don't @ me), one woman's story will put any story you have to shame.
Our tale begins with a man, who'd like to remain anonymous, creating a GoFundMe page to ask for money to help fix his broken window. How did he break his window, you ask? Well, he went on a lovely date with a girl from Tinder to a restaurant called Nandos, and the two decided to go back to his place for wine and documentaries. Then, it all begins. He wrote on the GoFundMe page:
About an hour in to Louis Theroux and chill, my date got up to use the toilet. She returned with a panicked look in her eye, and told me she had something to tell me. 'I went for a poo in your toilet,' she told me, 'and it would not flush. I don't know why I did this, but I panicked.' She continued, 'I reached into the toilet bowl, wrapped it in tissue paper, and threw it out of the window.'
Honestly, I think I can speak for all women when I say we've all low-key thought about doing this. But anyway.
He says that he was "understandably concerned," but like a gentleman, he told her they "would go outside, bag up the offending poo in the garden, bin it, and pretend the whole sorry affair had never happened." Unfortunately, though, he forgot about a design flaw in his house: The window in the bathroom doesn't open to a garden, a pathway, or anything like that, but to a foot-and-a-half wide gap between another window. "It was into this twilight zone that my date had thrown her poo," he said.
Now, they needed to figure out how to retrieve the sh*t from the crack. (I'm sorry.) The girl said she was an "amateur gymnast," so she opened the window from the top (the only place it would open) to go down headfirst into retrieving the sh*t bag from the gap. But she couldn't reach, so she asked her date to help her out. He grabbed her waist and pulled. Hard. But she was stuck. STUCK. CAN YOU EVEN.
There came a point where he had been trying to get her out for 15 whole minutes, and he was getting concerned for her health. She was really stuck in there. So, he called the fire brigade. And FIREMEN LITERALLY HAD TO REMOVE HER FROM THE WINDOW USING SPECIAL FIREMEN TOOLS.
She was safe, but the poor guy's window became destroyed in the process of saving her. Hence, the creation of the GoFundMe page. Luckily, he's raised enough money and then some, which he's going to donate to two charities: Toilet Twinning, a charity that gives working, flushing toilets to the developing world, and to an unspecified firefighters charity.
This story could be a lesson in not being embarrassed of your bodily functions, we're all human, there's no shame in pooping, blah, blah, etc. But really, the biggest takeaway here is how great of a story this is for a wedding toast! These two seriously must get married. Or, you know, go on a second date. Here's hoping!
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