Ladies, Here's How To Give The Perfect Blowjob, As Told By A Gay Man

Blowjobs are God’s gift to mankind.

I used to hate giving them (major emphasis on hate), but now —somehow, maybe miraculously — I love giving them.

It’s fun, exhilarating, freeing and incredibly hot.

There’s nothing quite like being in complete control of your partner and being personally responsible for bringing him nothing but intense pleasure.

It feels really good to make your partner happy.

As the resident GBF (gay best friend) in my friend group (I could write an entire other article about that one), my girlfriends often ask me for advice on how to help with men.

They want to know what to buy them for their birthdays, what clothes they should wear to impress their boyfriends, etc.

A few weeks ago, my friend asked me for blowjob advice.

I consider myself pretty great (at least, I’ve been told as much), and this got me thinking: What makes for the perfect blow job?

Having received many and given even more, here is my guide to giving the perfect blowjob for all you ladies (and gentlemen) out there:

1. Don’t be afraid.

The first step to giving a great blowjob is going in with a positive attitude.

Don’t be scared.

I promise, it’ll be fine. It will be more than fine.

It’ll be a blast! Get excited.

2. Warm him up.

You must start with some good ol' foreplay.

OK, in "The Holiday" (a highly underrated, phenomenal movie with Jude Law and Cameron Diaz), Cameron says to Jude that foreplay is “overrated.”

He responds, “You are quickly becoming one of the most interesting girls I've ever met.”

Hold it. Pause the film.

No.

Foreplay is most definitely not overrated. It's a must.

Why would you skip the romantic part of kissing and nibbling on his ear?

Foreplay is probably my favorite part of sex.

It’s also important to use foreplay to get your man ready for a blow job.

It’s just science.

3. Use your tongue, not your teeth.

Girl, please, listen up. This is very important.

You should use absolutely no teeth. Okay, maybe some teeth.

But only a little teeth, you hear? Be gentle.

A little teeth can be hot.

They provide a little bit of friction and a little sting.

But, there should be no chomping.

One missed move, and you can send your guy to the ER with a lacerated dick.

That’ll be a fun story to tell the doctor.

4. Be aggressive and take control.

While giving a blowjob, you have the opportunity to be in total and complete control.

Take it.

A guy will relish the chance to be dominated and left completely helpless.

Your guy will be silently (or not so silently) cheering this move on! Release your inner dominatrix.

5. Talk dirty.

Many guys love to talk dirty because it reminds them of the porn they’ve been watching.

Plus, nothing can compare to your sweet girlfriend completely morphing into some hot, vulgar and altogether unrecognizable woman.

Say some naughty words, and don’t be afraid to swear.

You aren’t in Catholic school anymore, and it’s not chapel time.

It’s okay to be a little naughty.

6. Play with the head.

The head of the penis is sensitive, so give it its due time.

Don’t be afraid to rub it with your fingers and the palm of your hand.

Maybe even give it a lick.

Imagine it’s mint chocolate chip ice cream.

7. Suck and rub at the same time.

This move is kind of like using a Shake Weight.

Put your hand at the base of his penis and curl it around.

Then, start moving it up and down in a spiraled motion.

Once you’ve got that going, start using your mouth. It’s a pairing straight from Heaven.

8. Grab his balls

A guy loves it when you grab his balls.

I don’t know why; it’s just instinctual. So, don’t be afraid to give them a tug.

There is nothing better to complement the warm sensation of your mouth than you rubbing and stimulating his balls.

Do both together, and you’ll have him howling to the moon.

9. Eat his butt (if he lets you).

This one is if you’re feeling particularly adventurous.

This one is backed by science, too.

A guy’s ass has a ton of nerve endings around it and within, especially given its proximity to the prostate.

Giving him what we call a “rim job” can add to the overall pleasure of a blowjob.

Lick his butt, his balls and the patch between them.

Don’t say, "Ew." Let’s be sex-positive.

Trust me, if you try it, he’ll like it. Again, it’s science.

10. For the love of God, girls, swallow!

Swallowing is so much easier than dodging cum, trust me.

Also, even though they may not want to admit it, guys love when you swallow their cum because part of them is in you.

Trust me, they go wild for that sh*t.

11. The Aftermath

Once he comes, you won’t have any cleanup because, yay, you took my advice and swallowed!

Now that he’s done, cuddle up to him and cup his balls.

He’ll appreciate it. It makes him feel safe.

You know how guys stick their hands down their pants to hold their balls?

It’s for that reason: It makes them feel secure.

Kiss his face and neck, and enjoy some much earned shut-eye.

You killed it, girl.

You just gave that guy one hell of a blow job.

Feel proud and accomplished. That was hard work.

Your GBF and blowjob shaman (me) couldn’t be prouder. You’ve given this angel his wings.

When you wake up, it’s your turn. After all, he owes you.