Ahhhh, everyone’s favorite person in the world — the ex. She can get under your skin and stir up bad feelings, play with your emotions and just cause you a lot of grief in general.
Here’s the list of the nine different types you may encounter and, remember: “Ex” NEVER marks the spot.
9. The Pill Popping Party Animal
She’s gorgeous, well-dressed, socially cohesive and quite possibly the worst thing that ever happened to you. Her affinity for ecstasy-driven sex binges are worthy of the finest R. Kelly video. However, these pleasures will get you fired from work and failed out of the semester faster than you could imagine. Sex and drugs are a powerful combination. They can end your career and future in a heartbeat. It is mandatory to cut her completely. That girl is poison!
8. The Sex Ex
This girl pops into your head when you foolishly believe you can literally f*ck the pain away. However, my friend, sex is a temporary solution at best. Let us take a serious look at the potential ramifications of your temporary pleasure: STDs, pregnancy or being forced to watch “The Notebook” with her. We’d rather chew glass.
7. The Stalker Ex
Now that our social lives are wired in, the stalker ex doesn’t have to physically follow you, stake out your apartment or send you crazy letters asking you to “accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior” (this seriously happened to a friend of mine) for the sake of your relationship – which, beeteedubbayou, doesn’t exist anymore.
Instead, stalkers can IM you, tweet you, tag you, comment on your posts, mention you and a whole host of annoying things that add extra drama to your online experience. These are the dangerous ones, guys. Get a restraining order, if need be. Rule of thumb: Never accept random people on your social media channels during the break up phase – it is 100% the ex stalking you out. Also, gentlemen, we know some of you are guilty of this as well. May we suggest partaking in some charity initiatives or working in a soup kitchen with your newfound free time. Grow a set, men. No one likes a sore loser.
6. The Sad Ex
This is the worst. How can you treat your ex nicely and remain considerate of her feelings if that just leads her on? There’s no easy answer. God knows men have no clue how to handle a woman’s emotions. Do we give her the awkward compassionate hug? A pat on the back? Please, just make it stop.
She will claim she is depressed after your break-up, and may even go as far suggesting suicide if you don’t take her back. Don’t believe her – it is just gypsy propaganda. Remain strong and stick to your guns, fellas.
5. The Bitter Ex
She’s either really hurt and exploding with anger as a defense mechanism, or you did something pretty horrible during the relationship to spark the flames of her endless rage. She was the girl that was one of the most passionate lovers you’ve ever had. That same fire you saw in between the sheets is the same fire that will burn you for hurting her.
Steer clear, because hell hath no fury like a woman scorned (or rejected). Consider Tiger’s ex-wife, who recently demolished his $12 million home and took $110 million of his fortune.
4. The Ex That Doesn’t Get it
This person is an oblivious dumbass, refusing to understand why you split up, despite countless attempts to clearly and truthfully explain yourself. She will continue to talk to you out of compulsion, with no true end in sight until you’re both out of post-relationship limbo. We don’t have time for this nonsense! Cut her off and move on. It’s better for the both of you.
3. The Ex Who Moved on Too Quickly
This is the definition of frustration. Sometimes, this is the result of her simultaneously meeting someone new while being unhappy with you. It could also result from girls, or guys, who are not self-sufficient and crave relationships for companionship. Thus, they move from person to person hoping to avoid feeling the emptiness they associate with the single life.
Apparently, someone hasn’t heard of “adult toys.” These ex-girlfriends are the worst because they are the most spiteful and insecure. Beware! Don’t worry, though. She’s not heartless – just needy. You’ll be thankful you shook her in the long run.
2. The Ex That Still Wants to Be Friends
Some people refuse to understand that, sometimes, friendship is not a feasible post-relationship option. In fact, most break ups don’t result in friendship. She will push and pull according to her own needs –refusing to understand why it might be unpleasant to keep in contact now that the dynamic of the relationship has changed.
1. The Logical, Appeals to Your Best Interests Ex
She is the rare one that understands you and is willing to work on an option that will suit both of your needs. She’s the woman that can actually become a friend somewhere down the line. She remains emotionally logical throughout the breakup, and might even move on before you do. Keep her on the radar, as she could come back into rotation in the future. Elite advises that you not do this within 12 months of the initial breakup. Be a man of your word, and don’t play with her emotions.
Bonus: The One That Got Away
Every man has, or will have, a woman like this. She is the one that got away – the one you were supposed to have it all with. The one you planned on marrying and loved more than anything. She still pops up in your mind on occasion and most likely will for the rest of your life. Perhaps even on your son’s first birthday or your wedding day, she will keep returning to your mind.
She is the one you have nightmares about when you’re in bed with your new girlfriend. This is the worst ex-girlfriend, in our opinion. Be as wary as you can, as these situations are often unavoidable and will sting the most – leaving you unprepared for the heartbreak left in the wake of your breakup.
We have a question for our readers out there: Which ex has been your worst ex so far? Feel free to share your experiences, and those of others, below.
Adam Banks | Elite.