It is time to address an issue that all men have either dealt with in the past, or will deal with at one point or another in their lives- the infamous Whiskey Dick. Most of us need a few drinks before we come home and get down to business, especially if we need to get that 5 up to a 7 before we can even consider getting an erection.

Unfortunately, sometimes we try to get that 5 to a 7 and then attempt to get the upgraded 7 to a 9- big mistake.

What was building up to be a great night quickly turns into a flop. Literally. So now what? She’s bent over your couch with her dress down around her ankles and the little soldier won’t suit up for battle. You have a couple of options.

One being the obvious solution: knock her out and tell her in the morning that she passed out mid-coitus- give her some Advil for her “headache” (I kid). Or, you can wiggle your way out of this embarrassing situation without trying to wiggle your way in- unsuccessfully.

Make Up An Excuse

This is a delicate matter- as lying usually is. You want to tell her something plausible and believable, but also something that won’t get her to realize your real problem. I would probably go with letting it slip that you are out of condoms.

Assuming that this is a one-night-stand or someone that you are not comfortable sticking it to raw, this should work just fine. Apologize and turn on the TV. She’ll either get the hint or she’ll hang around to watch Family Guy- win win.

Don’t Give Her A Chance To Find Out

Sometimes the “I don’t have protection” spiel just won’t cut it. If that’s the case, then you may need to do some fancy tongue work. Work your way from top to bottom and linger around the sweet spot for 15 to 20 minutes.

If you do it right, she’ll be too busy shivering and recovering for the next hour- too busy to even notice that you just gave her the best orgasm of her life, then rolled your ass over and passed the fuck out. This way, if she will be telling her friends anything, it’ll be how amazingly generous you are instead of how amazingly flaccid you are.

Sometimes It’s Just Better To Be Honest

While I usually suggest the truth as a last resort, it may be your best option- especially if the girl you are with is a keeper. Sure, she may be annoyed that you blue-balled her (blue-ovaried her?), but if she is into you and not just your amazing penis, then she’ll stick around for when you sober up. If she wakes you up with some morning oral, then you know she’s the one.

Paul Hudson | Elite.