Would You Date: The Girls You Should Never Date
There are plenty of fish in the sea and that is the absolute truth. There is a perfect woman for every man — maybe even three or four. As our mothers have taught us as children, there are just some girls that you must stay away from. No matter how much we all might be annoyed by our mothers imposing boundaries on the people we surround ourselves with, you should be certain that your mother always has been and forever will be right when advising you on which women you should consort with.
We all have a rebellious side and whether intentionally or not, we may sometimes deviate from the advice given by those who love us the most. In our life long journey of trial and error we’ve done some things that we’re not so proud of, and even some things we should never admit to. If you won’t even listen to your mother, how can we expect you to listen to us? Go ahead and make the mistakes for yourselves…
We strongly advise that you never date these women, but if you are… Here is how you might want to approach the situation:
The “Model”
Where you can find her: St Tropez, nightclubs, rehab, in bed with promoters
Characteristics: Scan the room for the emaciated, inarticulate or heavily accented woman attempting to appear completely aloof at all times. — As if she’s discontent with the quality of her surroundings — We’re not referring to the Victoria’s Secret or Swimsuit Illustrated models. Don’t be silly. We’d give up our first born to wake up next to one of those. The “models” that you should never date are the all-too-common club rats that you’ll find in Tuesday-Sunday dancing on couches. Just because you wear bikinis for tourists at Hollister does not mean you’re a model.
Elite’s suggested approach: According to Rutgers psychology professor, Helen Fisher Ph.D. men should remain unimpressed. “Ask her about her passions outside of fashion.” Easy, we already are unimpressed. If all else fails offer her a bump of cocaine.
The Gym Goddess
Where you can find her: Cardio machines, yoga-classes, spandex
Characteristics: Tight clothing, ponytail, six-pack abs, glistening sweat. There’s nothing quite as enjoyable as a body built for speed. Her affinity for working out will pay dividends in between the sheets. Courting the hottest piece of ass in the gym is great PR, and it’s nothing but pure motivation to keep you benching through your sets.
Elite’s suggested approach: If she wasn’t looking to beckon your attention she wouldn’t be doing squats in front of you, right? Relax Casanova. A single woman at a gym is more open to approach than you think. Taking hot bikram with her will only prove your manhood. It’s like fast-forwarding 3 dinner dates. You’ve successfully wrangled yourself into the inner-circle. Get her number and be on your way.
The Hipster
Where you can find her: Zucotti Park, Coachella, Urban Outfitters, Williamsburg
Characteristics: Skinny jeans, flannel, metrocard, self-righteousness. Easily spotted with their Whole Foods bags in one hand while they effortlessly Instagram in fingerless gloves. These instant activists are quick to dislike anything. More so naive than passionate, their angst is often times completely misguided. Their quickness to support any irrelevant cause will surely be a result of their naivety to a viral campaign. Be prepared to be over saturated with utter bullshit. She won’t be the best in bed, but if it’s come to this point — Beggars can’t be choosers.
Elite’s suggested approach: As the hipster epidemic has spread from coast to coast, these pedestrians are superfluous in numbers. May we suggest staging a dilemma at Whole Foods between which organic Boca Burgers you should purchase? If all else fails, you can always head to the next #OWS clown show.
The Rich Girl
Her domain: The Hamptons, Bergdorf Goodman, private hangars
Characteristics: Louboutins, La Perla, Black Card, self-entitlement, apathetic ego. Don’t fool yourself. The rich girl is not the woman is going to take care of you for the rest of your life. She is the girl who will out spend you and out wit you before you could even get through pronouncing half her wardrobe. You can’t turn a harlot into a housewife. She will replace you as fast as she changes shoes.
Elite’s suggested approach: Unless you’re older and have a larger net worth than her father, you stand no chance. Play up the traits that put you out of her league. Start playing guitar or buy a Ducati. Make yourself a sociological experiment for her. You know, the bad boy no father wants his daughter to bring home.
The Barista
Her domain: With over 16,630 locations world wide, they are far from a rarity.
Characteristics: Aprons, green hats and black Polos. Simply irresistible. Throw in their inability to count and utilize a register and you may have just found yourself a winner. We all have seen that beautiful Barista that should be a Maxim model, right? No, neither have we. Just because she puts cocoa powder on your whip cream probably doesn’t mean she wants to see you naked. She only laughs at your jokes because she needs to get to the next in line
Elite’s suggested approach: Straight on, but don’t ask if her she ever wants to get coffee sometime. No cheesy puns are to be used in this circumstance. Offer to take her out to dinner and exit before you look like an idiot to the people waiting behind you.
The Jersey Girl
Her domain: New Jersey, New York on the weekends, Miami, Ibiza, The Hamptons
Characteristics: Michael Kors watches and clothing. Heavy amounts of make-up on a daily basis and tattoos that have no real meaning behind them.They tend to advertise at least one belly button rings. She will be extremely snobby and controlling and will expect you to give her the world without her giving much back. They also usually tend to be gold diggers and are extremely spiteful. The fights are brutal as they will actually try to raise a hand on you and these women tend to be extremely fake at times.
Elite suggested approach: Keep it at a one night stand and don’t go any farther then that. Their fake tan will rub off on your sheets.
Elite.
