How to Spot Your Single White Female
Elite Daily girls often roll with a group of close knit girlfriends – these girls are the ones you can count on for an epic Girls Night Out, tell you when you have put on a few pounds, and set you straight when you drunkenly veer towards that Guido.
However, in every group there is one girl who is a little too eager, who is always latched to your side at every event. That – my friends, is your Single White Female.
She friends all your friends on Facebook – even the ones that she haven’t met before
When you guys first started hanging out, you had maybe 3 friends in common on Facebook. Now, when you click on her page, you realize that you have more than 60. WTF? When you click through these friends, you start to realize that the crazy bitch hasn’t even met most of these people – she just friended them because they’re your friends!
The best is when she brings them up in conversation – “OMG, did you SEE what Megan just posted on Facebook? She’s SOOO funny!” What? Bitch, you’ve never even met Megan IRL?
She’s socially retarded
When you go out in a large group of people, SWF is always, ALWAYS by your side. She maneuvers herself so that she is always sitting beside you. Need to use the restroom? OMG, so does she! She will even come right into the stall with you if you don’t slam the door quick enough in her face.
Even though your SWF is friends with everyone else at the table, she will only converse with you. And when you are being your normal awesome self and speaking to your other friends, she will sit there with a pissed off look on her face, staring at you until it feels like she’s boring holes in the back of your head.
If she’s ballsy or drunk enough, she may even stomp on over and accuse you of ‘ignoring her.’ Random, because she’s obviously Facebook friends with everyone there, but the only contact she has with them is on their wall – obviously her social retardation kicks in when she sees them in person.
She likes anything you post on Facebook
As soon as you update your status, post a photo or a link, she likes everything the second you post it. She will then make random superfluous comments on everything on your page. I’m 100% sure she has your Facebook page up at all times, clicking refresh every few minutes, masturbating to your photos.
She starts to imitate you and the things you say
Imitation is supposed to be the sincerest form of flattery, but when your SWF begins to look like an uglier version of your mirror image, it starts to get annoying. It will start off innocently enough, with her asking you where did you get your cute dress but before you know it, she has become a full blown version of you – down to your nail color.
It doesn’t just stop there – you’ll notice that she starts to mimic your unique vocabulary; words that you have made up. When you start to feel like you’re keeping friendship with a parrot, you’ve got yourself a SWF.
Your favorite places becomes her favorite places
You think you can escape from your SWF to your favorite, discreet bar that only you and a handful of people know about. How you underestimate your crazy – after a while, you start to see her check-in to your bar. She calculatingly friends all the bartenders there, and BAM – now it’s her favorite bar too! Crazy coincidence? Or crazy bitch?
Gets jealous when you don’t include her in your plans
When you go out without her, she makes snide little remarks alluding to why she wasn’t invited. If you check in online to a venue, she will passive aggressively comment with “Have a super fun night! I’ll just be at home by myself!”
She texts you constantly for no reason
SWF can’t tell time – because they text you at all hours of the day with inane messages which warrant no reply. But if you don’t reply, she will continue the incessant texting assuming something is wrong, when the only thing that’s wrong is her fucked up mind.
When you realize that whenever she opens her mouth you want to punch her in the throat, it might be time to cut that crazy bitch loose.
Trophy Wife | Elite.
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