It’s 2013 and men should start acting like it. Women have continually proved themselves to be your equals, yet you continue to subjugate them by both overt and subtle means.
Whether it’s telling women to cook more, imagining that they’re the only people who take selfies, thinking going down is a one-way street or somehow imagining that drinking too much alcohol is a means of sexual consent — you need to shape up. No more of this powerpuff boy sh*t.
You’ve got problems, we all do; so why don’t we take this Spring season as a period of rejuvenation? Let’s make new and start by cleaning out any remnants of misogyny that still linger in your lives. Times have changed and gentleman have to realize it, otherwise you’ll keep us all in this rut that we’re stuck in.
10. It isn’t the year 1950
Here’s a 2013 revelation, women don’t live to serve you. We’re not going to welcome you home with an apple pie and a foot massage, if you’re nice, maybe a blowie (but #It’sAboutReciprocationBro). Despite your best effort, we’re people now too. We can vote, we have rights, we work – we’ve even had our own sexual revolution, so cut the sh*t and get with it. Learn to cook for your own damn self. Leave your Good Housekeeping expectations at the door. Try this whole self-sufficient type thing for a while and see if you can manage on your own. And yes, a woman will appreciate a man who can pull his weight. So shut the f*ck up and make her a sandwich.
9. No more dick pics
Quit snapchatting pictures of your penis, it’s not a good look. And if having it in your hand(s) isn’t making it a bad enough comparison, your full body reflection is doing you absolutely no favors. Objects in the mirror are even smaller than they appear. So don’t give your future ex-girlfriend even more ammo by sending her these dick pics. Snapchats aren’t really deleted and you’re not hung like a horse. Cock selfies are so 2012.
8. Manscape your downstairs
Not a suggestion. First off, the lack of the bush will make it look bigger. Aside from lengthy aesthetics, it’ll make it a whole lot more appealing for the head game. No one wants a face full of fro when they’re trying to deep throat. Want to get your boys some play? Make sure they don’t look like koosh balls. Remember those? Disclaimer: don’t use a razor; invest in a trimmer or anal/perineum sensitive veet.
7. Walking on the street isn’t license for sexual harassment
Surprisingly, a woman on the streets wearing shorts isn’t dying for your comments. She doesn’t need your, “Damn ma,” whistles, slow licking of lips or inappropriate fondles. She probably doesn’t need you slapping it on the train to her face either. Just a thought. Sexual harassment in any capacity makes women feel uncomfortable, there’s a fine line between flirtation and harassment, usually that line is if you’re hot or not. But don’t take any chances, leave your witticisms and hand gestures off the street this year.
6. It isn’t a race, but women would like to win it
Don’t finish until your girl has (or your man or whomever it is you’re doing). Pace yourself. Try and last longer than 10 seconds. The female orgasm isn’t a mysterious, unachievable feat, however much it has eluded you. She knows what she’s doing; so let her tell you. The orgasm gap is currently 3:1 in men’s favor, don’t be a selfish lover. Give, give, give. You’ll only get, get, get in return. A satisfied girl is a powerful ally at 3 a.m. two weeks from now.
5. Having a penis doesn’t make you funny
(But it makes you funny looking, zing!) As hard as it is to believe, and as much as science has seemed to support it, men are not born with some inherent genetic mutation that has somehow made them hilarious. You’re not that funny and you’re not that cute. A circle of guys guffawing at your idiocy doesn’t credit you with humor, it just proves the herd effect. I mean maybe you’re funny, but chances are if your opening line includes a semi-serious reference to your bulging member, you can shove it in your own damn ass.
4. Don’t lie about your intentions
I know you think promising a girl the world is the surest way into her panties, but it’s also the surest way to get yourself a stage-5 clinger and a scathing review on LuLu. It’s 2013, women have proved themselves capable of casual sex, if you’re not looking for anything big, find yourself a companion with similar feelings on the situation – and make sure she’s not lying to herself either. A man who is honest about his objectives can leave with no guilt and no strings. It’ll help you and her in the long run.
3. Your sex life will never be a porno
Unless you’re f*cking in a porn, you’re not in a f*cking porno. I know your dream is to bang a big-titted blow up doll moaning how big your cock is and how she loves it in all her holes at the same damn time, but most girls won’t appreciate a vindictive facial without a “close your eyes” warning. Violent porn, where you ram a bitch, might be your fantasy (f*ck it might even be hers), but chances are a little hair pulling and ass slapping are her limits. That girl below you (on top of you or on the side of you) is real, so remember she’s got feelings too and have sex in a way that accords and mediates between both of your preferences.
2. Learn your oral etiquette
Be a polite recipient. Don’t push a girl’s head down. I think she knows you want a blowjob. Also, let her know when you’re about to bust. Give her a towel or a napkin to wipe her face. If she goes for the kiss (which is not something all girls do by the way, some of us want to wash off the taste of you too), don’t push her face away, either man up for the peck(er) or be polite about the mouth wash. Also, return the favor, after you go down a girl (equal to, if not more than she has gone down on you) don’t give her your juicy lips unless she asks for it.
1. Let go of your unicorns
I know that Kate Upton poster on your wall gives you all sorts of hopes and aspirations, but there will always be a Ray-J that hit it first. You’re probably shooting way out of your league anyway. It’s cute to have fantasies, but sometimes the reality will get you off much faster. Your dream girl is what she will always be, a dream – a wet, wet dream. I’m not saying settle, but don’t pass up on something truly great in the search for something impossibly perfect.
Bonus: The location of the clitoris