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The Truth About Timing In Relationships

One cannot truly love until he learns to love himself. You may have heard this phrase, or some derivative of it, at least once before. And while it is a statement whose meaning bares all truth, there is another factor that can obliterate the already tainted tenor of love: timing.

Anyone who has spent enough time in this world knows that it's not always smooth sailing. Life has its own way of knocking you down when you least expect it. And even for the most assembled person, it's difficult to retain full confidence and self-love at all times.

So what happens when you're in the midst of your darkest days and the girl of your dreams is welcomed into your reality? Can the one person you've been looking for really make that pivotal impact you've been awaiting, even if your attention is consumed by something else? The answer is yes.

The truth is, there is never a perfect or ideal time to initiate a relationship. Of course, the stability of one relies on the proper balance of mental and emotional conditions of both parties. However, waiting for one person to be completely content in the mind, body and heart simultaneously is useless. Expecting such conditions from two people simultaneously is even more absurd. For a relationship to function thoroughly you don't need perfect conditions; what you do need is to be familiar with them.

An individual who has never before been in a healthy and perfectly content mindset will not be able to attain one from a relationship. In other words, if someone has never been truly happy with themselves, their first true glimpse of happiness must come from within. Anyone who is dependent on their partner for their happiness will ultimately be miserable and will never have a truly satisfying relationship.

However, if you know how to be perfectly happy on your own, you can be happy with someone else. Even when life decides to trip you up or beat you down, deep down you're always going to know that you will be okay. Having that mindset cannot stand in between a relationship because your welfare isn't dependent on your partner, but rather shared.

This is where the false accusation of timing comes into the picture. Many say that if they are undergoing distressing circumstances in their lives, they cannot commit to someone else. And that makes perfect sense. You should never put someone else's happiness above your own, and as mama always said, you have to make sure your room is clean before you can go play in someone else's.

The mistake people make when they acknowledge the “bad timing” is oversimplifying the meaning of a relationship. Having a partner to share your experiences with isn't a job and should never be a daunting task. It isn't about calling and checking in every night or kissing your girlfriend's ass so that she would trust you. Nor is it about frequent dinner dates and excuses to spend your money.

Those things can and, under the right circumstances, should be done, but they don't define the relationship. A relationship should, above all things, be two people sharing their lives as partners, experiencing it as friends and enjoying it as lovers. Any protocol, any standard relationship etiquette- anything that comes from the outside of that relationship should immediately be disregarded.

With that being said, if you're at a low point in your life but you have someone that, under better circumstances, would be your significant other, they can still be in your life. If they care for you and you are, in fact, right for each other, the relationship mumbo jumbo can be put on hold. They will understand your inability to commit at that specific point, but they will still be there for you. The timing in this situation is bad in the sense that you're not completely content with yourself at that given moment. That doesn't mean the timing has to put a strain on your relationship.

If your partner cares for you and your wellbeing, they'll give you the time and space you need to recover- unless, of course, you make the mistake of pushing them away. In which case, it wasn't timing that did you wrong, but instead the way you handled your distressing circumstances and the current situation.

Another mistake people make when claiming the “timing is wrong” is putting the wrong offender to blame. They put the emphasis on the wrong words. Is the timing wrong because you're not ready to commit to them or are you not ready to commit to them? It's very possible that your inability to enter a relationship isn't because of where you are in your life, but rather whom you are with.

At this time you have to be 100% honest with yourself. If you have lingering doubts about someone that were brought to light through no other outside cause, it's probably not meant to be. If anything would make you hesitate as such, it's doubt. When the right person comes into your life, you're supposed to just know. Which leads us to the next mistake people make. What if you just don't know?

There is one and only one instance where timing qualifies as a legitimate excuse. Stress in your life and doubts are separate factors that corrupt your relationships, but they do not hide under the signature of time. So what is it that does?

Age.

Now, before you jump to your favorite defense saying, “age is just a number,” know that you're partially right. The numbers that hover over our heads everywhere we go are just numbers. Whether you're 26 or 38, the number doesn't define you. What does define you is the age that you act. Whether you act like you're 26 or 38 does define you.

So what does that have to do with timing in relationships? Well, it's simple. The age you act determines your maturity. A part of growing up is knowing what and whom you want. If the girl who can potentially be the girl of your dreams comes into your life when you're too young to understand, you're going to let her pass you by because you don't know any better. You're going to let her pass you by because the timing is wrong.

In these cases, timing is definitely to blame, but the irony is that you won't even realize it until later. When the timing really is the reason you couldn't be with the person you care for, it hits you a few years down the road when you think “Why did I let her go? Why was I so stupid?”

So next time you deem timing as the culprit for your failed or lack of relationships, consider the other factors first. Most of the time it's not the timing that's to blame, it's just you. Consider them if you're on the other side of the fence as well.

If your girlfriend or boyfriend left you because they said the timing was wrong, it could very well mean that either you were not right for them or they simply didn't know how to deal with matters in their own lives, and consequently didn't know how to deal with you.

Closing thought: When dealing with potential or existing relationships, there are many things that will be working against you. If you can isolate the problem, timing most likely not one of them.

Kathy Polo

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Katya Polo

Contributor

Born and bred New Yorker, Katya Polo is a multi-dimensional woman. While her exterior exhibits an aspiring businesswoman and avid hockey fan, Kathy is a writer at heart. Learn more about her work and recently published book at katyapolo.com.
Born and bred New Yorker, Katya Polo is a multi-dimensional woman. While her exterior exhibits an aspiring businesswoman and avid hockey fan, Kathy is a writer at heart. Learn more about her work and recently published book at katyapolo.com.

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