With the success of last week’s article “The Types of Men You’ll Encounter in Clubs”, you knew we had to shift the attention to the other side of the spectrum and bring you the opposing types of women you will encounter. Of course, there are many different types of women that go to nightclubs, and we can’t possibly name them all, but we certainly have composed a list of the major categories for our readers.
We also took the initiative to give you the breakdown of how successful you will be in taking her on a ride of her life on the southbound 1NS train. (1 Night Stand).
The Birthday Girl
First and foremost, we must start with the most common and guaranteed girl to be in a nightclub on any given weekend: the birthday girl. This girl is celebrating her birthday with her closest friends and is a guaranteed sloppy mess, as she will keep binging until she is utterly incapacitated and unable to stand. It’s her special day, of course. You will most likely see her donning a tiara on her head or wearing expensive shoes that she received as a recent gift. Safe to say, this is the best this girl will look all year.
Success Rate: 35%. If you happen to know her, it will be a lot easier to take her home. If she currently lacking a male companion she is most likely looking for birthday sex.
This haughty prude thinks that she’s too good for everyone. You know, that one self righteous, pompous broad that everyone is coming up to say hello to. She is most likely in a bitchy mood without reason and is certainly the most fraudulent girl there. She will sicken you with her air of unjustified arrogance and will claim to only drink champagne, almost as if she expects there to be a red carpet rolled out for her upon her arrival.
Success Rate: 10%. This girl most likely loves doing drugs, so try to offer a free bump and roll the dice. If you are able to close on this one, you can close on any of them.
The Seasoned Veteran
This is the cougar who has the appearance of a woman approaching the age of social security eligibility. You can unfortunately clearly tell she has had her fair share of partying throughout her life. Indeed, she may be only 29 years old, but going out every single night has taken drastic effect on the vitality of her facial features. You can tell she’s a veteran by the way almost professional she conducts herself and the wrinkles in the face that she’s actively trying to combat with botox.
Success rate: 17%. This girl has seen it all and DEFINITELY done it all. Unless shes feeling pretty loose and ready, you would have to wow her.
The Young Newbie
This girl stands out in a crowd like a sore thumb. She usually has a very bewildered look on her face as if she is just being introduced to the night life scene. She is usually dancing like a rhythmless buffoon trying to attract the attention of potential suitors. Be careful, she is most likely 17 going on 18, or has just turned 18 years old. Also, her physical features will be highly undeveloped leaving her with flat boobs.
Success Rate: 95%. You would have to be a idiot to not be able to close this one. They are so unbelievably naive and they’ll die for attention from any male.
The Bottle Whore
This girl you can spot by checking your surroundings for the girl that seems to be patrolling the venue, hopping from table to table with a cup in her hand. She is known as the bottle whore and is only attracted to men who have tables and fine liquor for her to gorge herself on.
Success Rate: 53 %. Her standards are usually low, so if she’s desperate enough to be entertaining men just for alcohol you have a pretty good shot after she has finagled a few drinks from your table.
The DJ Groupie
This is the girl you will find trying to eye fuck the DJ all night. She’s driven and determined to bang this guy and will most likely sell her soul to be in the DJ booth with him. Fortunately for her, she will most likely end up there.
Success rate: 10%. Unless you’re a DJ, you have no chance, buddy. Try promising her tickets to Ultra, that might get you a quickie in the bathroom.
The Bridge & Tunnel Girl
As with the others, this girl is fairly easy to spot out as well. You can hear her Fran Drescher-esque yowling from the opposite end of the club. The thought makes us cringe. Teuf. She will be overly eager to be at the club and you’re sure to find this harlot pounding shots. Even worse, she’ll probably be looking tacky wearing Roberto Cavalli from three seasons ago.
Success Rate: 40%. The only reason the rate isn’t 101% for this moron is she most likely came with a group of friends in one car. Getting her away from them can be quite tough considering she must cross a bridge into lands better left untouched (ie: Staten Island). Even if you do succeed, congratulations, imbecile. Now you have to deal with finding her a ride home in the morning. Did we mention that you slept with a Bridge & Tunnel girl?
The Drug Addict
This girl will be erratically dancing with the appearance of a complete dunce. You’ll know her by the questionably high frequency of her bathroom trips. Obviously, she’s going to the bathroom every 10 minutes to do a bump of cocaine. She is either on molly, cocaine, or both, and her pupils are the size of flying saucers. If she’s taken raver’s candy, you’ll know by that odd amount of gum she seems to be devouring to combat her clenching jaw.
Success rate: 60%. Offer her a free bump and see where it goes. The percent is reliant upon whether or not she is even functional enough to go home. If not, give her some food to sober her up.
This girl most likely has her own table and is dressed in fashion that’s a season in advance. She is usually cold to strangers, but possesses an extremely friendly side that appears when with her friends.
Success Rate: 5%. Unless you’re on the same social and economical status as her, you stand no chance. There is simply nothing you can do to impress her.
This one is a bit hard to discern from your average unpaid hooker, as many women provide escort-like services frequently and without charge, but, if you look hard enough, you should be able to spot her. She most likely is only drinking champagne and has a fur jacket with an unacceptable amount of leather covering her skin. Her nails will be done to perfection and she will be looking for someone to pay her bills.
Success Rate: 50%. That percentage is really dependent on your actions. If you’re willing to dish out cash on a nice lay and chances of herpes, its all yours.
The International Girl
This girl stands out at the venue and it’s fairly obvious that she is visiting town from a different country. She most likely has a camera in her hand–a clear tourist move–and is taking an ungodly amount of pictures of everything she sees. She’ll probably be dressed rather poorly and will be excited that she was even allowed to enter the venue.
Success Rate: 30%. If you can break the language barrier and can convince her that you’re not like the sketchy Americans that are portrayed in the cinema, you might get a chance.