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Why Girls Who Say ‘I Want What I Can’t Have’ Are The Most Afraid Of Love

I get it; relationship failure gets redundant.

They say if you get knocked down seven times, stand up eight. But for some reason, pursuing something with a head-strong attitude feels so much easier when we’re talking about jobs, or financial goals.

When it comes to love, it’s personal. Or at least, it always feels that way.

We’ve all experienced what it’s like to be head over heels for someone, only for them to shy away once it starts to get serious. To save ourselves from feeling the full extent of the pain this causes, we come up with excuses.

It’s fine to say things like, “he was boring anyway,” or realize all the reasons you probably wouldn’t have worked out in the first place, but you head into dangerous territory if you utter the ultimate self-loathing slogan.

“I guess I just want what I can’t have.”

I hear some of the most awesome girls I know utter this phrase, and it never makes sense to me. It’s literally the most basic bitch answer to dating in the entire world. You don’t “just want what you can’t have,” you just haven’t found exactly what you do want yet.

And that’s OK! Sometimes, there doesn’t have to be a glorified reason for not liking someone.

Here are a few reasons you should never utter this phrase when trying to make sense of your love life:

1. It’s a distraction.

Saying, “I want what I can’t have” distracts you from the real reasons your relationships are failing.

It’s a statement that helps you feel connected to the rest of your friends, and people in the world, who are heartbroken. By saying this, you’re unable to take any of the responsibility for your relationships ending.

It also has a bit of edge to it; if you’re always getting in your own way, you definitely seem more interesting.

Just because your relationships haven’t worked out with people you really liked or were excited about doesn’t mean you have this self-dooming issue of never being able to find love.

Instead, try looking for things you can learn from all of your failed flings.

As you learn the signs of what you want and don’t want, you’ll be able to end relationships that aren’t working out in the future a lot quicker than you used to. And that, my friends, is the ultimate key to getting yourself into a successful relationship.


2. You don’t believe what you can’t see.

I get that it can be hard to believe you “can have it all,” when you’ve never experienced it.

Maybe you fell for a perfect guy who doesn’t live in your city. Or maybe you found a guy who is nothing but extremely nice to you, but you’re kicking yourself for wondering why you can’t like him back.

Trust yourself when you aren’t feeling a spark. Just because you didn’t feel something for this nice guy, doesn’t mean you’re against all nice guys.

Stop laying on the drama and just trust yourself.

You’ve experienced “the spark” before, so why do you feel like you need to force one with someone who just isn’t doing it for you?


3. You’re used to having one thing over the other.

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After dealing with enough douchebags, many women are just in search of a break and will start dating “the nice guy.” The nice guy has a horrible connotation; society tells us no one wants him, and he’ll always finish last.

But if you’re dating a guy who’s extremely nice to you in private, but then can’t hang at the party you brought him to, maybe he’s just not the one for you. And that’s OK!

Why does it always have to be one or the other? I’m here to tell you that guys who are nice and fun exist, and you don’t have to settle for either or.

On the other hand, some of the douchiest guys you date can be the most fun. Guys who take you on adventures, and are the life of the party can be endlessly entertaining.

But when it comes down to it, sometimes they just don’t make boyfriend material, or have a hard time showing respect for you.

Stick around for the unicorn guy who fits all of your criteria. He may seem like a mystical creature, but if you’re confident you deserve someone who has it all, that’s eventually what you’ll find.


4. You’re not ready for real love.

After enough failed relationships, maybe it’s time to try something else. Putting blanket statements over your breakups won’t help the next one.

Saying, “I want what I can’t have,” is making an excuse. Could you be making that excuse because you aren’t ready for what a full relationship actually entails?

Next time you find yourself putting verbal Band-Aids over your relationship woes, dig a little deeper.

Acknowledging early on that not everyone is meant for you, and learning to trust your own opinions are the most important traits you need to have to find the relationship of your dreams.

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Brittany Leitner

Manager

Brittany is a San Antonio, Texas native, and holds a degree in magazine journalism and English from Syracuse University. She has been published in Time Out New York in addition to Elite Daily, where she currently works as a senior editor.
Brittany is a San Antonio, Texas native, and holds a degree in magazine journalism and English from Syracuse University. She has been published in Time Out New York in addition to Elite Daily, where she currently works as a senior editor.

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