Should You Give Your Ghoster a Second Chance?
Ghosting: The bad dating behavior so much a part of the lexicon that even my dad knows what it is.
I've only been truly ghosted once (which I chronicled in great detail for the internet). It was a bit of an imposter-ghosting situation, because he eventually did reach out and explain himself. I mean, I was owed it – there was a concert invite he never got back to me about.
He told me I was perfect, but he just stopped feeling the sparks. Ugh. There's nothing worse than the sting of rejection by someone you weren't even that into. Let's also just be real: If you ghosted me, you did not think I was perfect.
Fast forward to six months later, definitely a little buzzed, as I casually followed him on Instagram.
He immediately slid into my DMs. Yup, my DMs. We had a whole “let's catch up on our lives” conversation, but weirdly, never texted each other.
One night, I get a DM from him asking, “You like Wilco, right?”
Well, this is extra. He ghosted me about a concert, only to waltz back around with another concert invite?
So this is where I pause. What's the move? Is there a world in which you it's possible to maintain your self worth while giving your ghoster a second chance? Or is rekindling a bad call to make?
Here are some pros and cons weighed out when it comes to giving your ghoster a second chance:
PRO: You get the satisfaction of him wanting you back.
If you are truly an evolved human being, you do not care as much about “winning” in dating as I do.
I can't deny that I was super satisfied when my ghoster came back into the picture, however noncommittal it was.
The validation of a message from someone who made you feel like less than nothing is undeniable. You feel like you've won because you now have the power to decide what you want.
The best things about my ghoster were that he was super smart, hot, and really great at, um, physical stuff. So, if he was still DTF, there was some sliver of validation in knowing there was some connection, however tiny it may be.
And let's remember that I didn't come crawling back – he did.
CON: Letting him back in means the possibility of getting hurt… again.
If your feelings were on the line the first time in such a way that made the ghosting sting more than just your average rejection, RUN THE OTHER DIRECTION! Don't risk feeling badly about yourself again.
Not sure? A great question to ask yourself is: Did I cry when it happened? Did I dwell on it, then delete his number? Or… did I write an article about it?
My answer to that last question makes me sure that even though he wasn't my soulmate, I should not have gone to that concert with him. My gut told me no.
There's the easy option of not dealing with a one-time ghoster because he already ghosted you once. Who knows if he'll decide to do it again… and no one wants to deal with a repeat offender.
PRO: There's still a chance of it turning into something serious.
So maybe you did have something going with this guy before the ghosting took place… but what if it all came down to timing? Did you miss out on your soulmate because of some weird, external event in his life that lead him to leave you high and dry?
Reuniting with him when the dust has settled may allow you both to truly find out if “something” is possible. If he's taking initiative to show interest again, he may actually be interested.
“The way the ghost-er handles the reunion has a lot to do with whether or not you're going to have an easy time of things when you reunite,” says relationship and etiquette expert, April Masini. “A communicative, apologetic ghost-er who doesn't make a practice of this has potential for a relationship.”
If you feel like he has a great explanation (that doesn't sound like BS), and you want to know if that connection is still there, give him a shot.
CON: It could be a complete waste of time if you're not on the same page.
If you really liked this guy and you give him that shot, only to realize he's stringing you along again, it's going to be painful. Set some boundaries for yourself. If you reunite, find out what he's looking for immediately.
Make sure you are able to handle the truth… otherwise it may be best to let it go and remind yourself “what's meant to be will be.”
Don't force anything. At the end of the day, think about ghosting and what it says about a person if they've done it to you. It's simply bad manners and a lack of consideration for others.
“Ghosting is only appropriate when you're dealing with someone who's abusive and you're fearful,” says Masini. “But as garden variety bad behavior, it's simply rude.”
Before you get give that ghoster a second chance, really think about if they deserve it. Compromising is important in romantic relationships, but when you've already been hurt once, you don't want to end up feeling like you've compromised your values.
Every situation is different. Ghosting is too often a blanket term for all sorts of strange dating circumstances, and there are positives and negatives to hearing him out. Make sure to take notice of how your ghoster presents himself. Is he sincere and apologetic, or evasively sliding into your DMs only when he's drunk?
If it's the latter, remember that we call them ghosts for a reason – they disappear easily – so let him go and start swiping for someone more present.
Protect your heart, first and foremost.
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