It’s safe to assume that the most logical explanation is that all the men in New York City are either married or gay; when we all know that’s not necessarily the case. Quite frankly, if they’re married and that much of a catch, just because there’s a goalie in the net doesn’t mean you can’t score.

However, the married men, like the single ones, are losers. More often than not these are the choices women have: has a job, has a personality, decent looking; pick two. Unfortunately, the problem with men these days is that they believe all women are not “wife” material. The reality of the situation is we’re not wife material because you’re the furthest thing from a real man.

A real man is considered an endangered species in New York City. Let’s review the evidence shall we:

If they don’t claim they’re gay, they might want to review their qualifications for the “perfect” woman. Case in point, most men these days like women who love sports, play video games, wear sneakers, and have tattoos. Based on the evidence, it seems like most men want other men. You can’t expect to attract a real woman when you want her to be one of the boys.

To add fuel to the burning flame (pun intended) men don’t know how to treat women anymore. Let me drop a real life example on you: I went on a date recently where the guy asked me for two dollars so he can shoot a game a game of pool. Then he looked at me like I was crazy when I threw five bucks on the table and left.

Needless to say, when he went home to tell his beloved boys about it, I was inevitably labeled a bitch. The truth is, a man who asks a woman for money on a first date, whether it’s a quarter for the meter or $50 dollars for the bill, is the biggest bitch out there.

This next reason is truly my favorite. New York has an unprecedented amount of men that can literally be considered human valium. If you’re lucky enough to find one with an actual job who isn’t so ugly that you want to poke out your own eye with a fork at dinner, chances are you’re going to use that same fork to cork your ears.

Or on the other hand, if they’re fun and good looking, they’re most definitely a “starving artist” living above Chinese restaurant. Who can forget the last option: no job, no personality, no looks, but you go out with them anyway because “you never know”. No, I do know. I know that one of us isn’t making it out alive from that date.

Moving on, men like women that are fun, spontaneous, and like to enjoy themselves. However, they are quick to label us sluts when we go out and try to do so. No my dear, we’re not damaged goods, we’re doing the one thing we can do to get away from the harsh reality that being alone for the rest of our lives is better than being with someone like you.

The saddest thing about men these days is they’ve taken all the fun out of things that women find sacred. I understand the whole maintenance thing is good, but if you go with a woman to get your nails or eyebrows done, you need to be euthanized.

And on that note, if I see another “man” with red bottoms I’ll euthanize myself. Men have become so consumed with metrosexuality that they may as well grow vaginas already so we can go for a couples Brazilian.

Closing thoughts: Today’s men need to get back to what has actually made them men in the past. Be chivalrous or just buy a hammer and nail something to a wall. Also, if any men are reading this and thinking “that’s not me, I’m a real man” my name is right below, email me.

Gayana Sarkisova | Elite.