Girl Drunkenly Hooks Up With Her High School Crush On Her Period And It Gets Weird
Single And DGAF
Being a single woman isn't some sort of depressing, pathetic "condition" you were born with. You're not a pathetic loser just because you don't happen to have a boyfriend.
It's time to share a new voice: the voice of the woman who's single and DGAF.
Every week, a single woman will anonymously submit her story about a hilarious hookup. Think of it as the morning-after play-by-play she gives her best friend over brunch after sneaking out of that random guy's apartment at 6 am.
This week, we have Allie* who finally hooked up with her high school crush… only to find she still had a tampon in and she forgot to shave her vagina:
You know that gorgeous guy that every high school has? He’s the one that every girl drools even though he is an untouchable god and they have no chance with him.
Well, Hunter Snow* was that guy at my high school. He wasn’t even a douchey that guy. He was so nice, athletic, beautiful, and even artistic.
Turns out Hunter and I ended up at the same college together.
At the time Hunter transferred to my school, I was a little sophomore party animal.
He moved in with a group of his best friends from high school, and one fateful night they invited me and my more cool friend, Jen*, from high school to pregame with them. Of course, we decided to go.
5 pm: Prep time.
So, 5 pm rolls around and I spend hours trying to make myself look like a goddess. I made a conscious decision not to shave my vagina because I was on my period and I knew I would not be hooking up with Hunter or any of his friends.
I mean, we went to high school together for four years and they hardly even talked to me, so I felt justified in keeping my bush intact.
Plus, I didn’t want to hookup with anyone while I was on my period because, ew.
I will come to regret not shaving later in the story… just you wait.
8 pm: Pregaming with the girls for some liquid confidence.
Well, 8 pm rolls around, and me and Jen start drinking a little liquid confidence, then head over to Hunter’s place.
9 pm: Pregaming with the ~boys~, where my jokes are on point.
Now, it’s 9 pm and we start drinking with the guys. By this point, I’m feeling good. My jokes were ON POINT and all the guys were laughing.
10 pm: Party time.
Around 10 pm, we all head to our friend’s party. We get there, and I’m cracking jokes with Jen when I hear Hunter’s best friend talking to Hunter and his roomies saying, “Dude, Allie* is so cool.”
Well, me being Allie and me being very drunk, I immediately turn around and say, “ME?!?!”
To which they all smile, nod and say, “Yeah!”
Obviously at this point I am feeling like a magical unicorn.
11 pm: MAGIC starts happening.
Here’s the turning point…
It’s 11 pm and we are all having a grand old time when Hunter’s best friend starts talking about how Hunter is currently off trying to get with a beautiful goddess at the party but he feels like he can’t get with her.
I immediately respond saying, “What the heck?! Doesn’t he know he’s like the most beautiful guy? He could get with anyone!” To which Hunter’s best friend responds, “Allie, wait, do you want to get with Hunter?! YOU SHOULD GET WITH HUNTER!”
I hadn’t ever considered hooking up with him because I thought he was so out of my league, it wasn’t even realistic to fantasize about. But when the idea was presented by his BFF, I obviously considered it!
After a long back and forth about whether or not he would ever consider getting with me and what in the hell I would even say to him to make this happen, Hunter’s genius of a best friend convinces me all I need to do is go up to Hunter and say, “Wanna get out of here?”
Brilliant, I know.
12 am(?): Drunk. Time is uncertain, but moves are being made.
By this point, I have no idea what time it is because I am hammered.
But, I do go up to Hunter who is sitting on a couch at the party smiling and being cool, and I say something (I can’t remember what to this day) and we magically leave together and head to his place.
We canoodled and were all cute holding hands and talking on the way to his place.
We got to his place and head upstairs to his room. We pass by the bathroom and I look over see a face razor. Suddenly I become filled with dread as I remember that I have a HUGE, untamed 1970s porno BUSH in my pants.
12:30 am(??): Time to go for a quick shave.
I tell him I have to go to the bathroom “real quick,” end up grabbing his face razor and drunkenly trying to try shave my evil snarling bush. I get about half way done and realize I have been in there a LONG time. Too long.
I spastically throw the razor in the shower and decide, “Screw it, we will be hooking up in the dark anyway!”
1:00 am (or MUCH later): Things are gettin’ STEAMY.
I get into his room and smile as I think to myself, “There is a god!” He is already laying in his bed with the lights off.
He asks me if I’m OK because I was gone for so long. I give no explanation for my absence and just say, “Yeah,” and start making out with him.
1:05 am: Things are getting NEGATIVE steamy.
Things escalate and Hunter’s hand goes down my pants. I’m thinking, “Holy crap, this is the BEST NIGHT EVER!”
That is, until he says, “Um, Allie, are you on your period?”
I die inside as I remember and say, “Yeah…”
He kindly says, “Do you have a tampon in?”
I was so drunk I forgot I was on my period and forgot I had a tampon in, so I die a little more as I quietly respond again with a, “Yeah…”
He very calmly says in a sweet voice, “Do you want to take it out?”
I was so mortified and drunk that I considered just pulling it out while laying in his bed and throwing it against the wall in his room. But, don’t worry, I managed to make it to the bathroom and remove it.
1:10 am: Crisis is kind of averted, but not really.
So, I come back to the bedroom and we try to have sex. I was so drunk my body was like, “What is a penis? I don’t think that thing will be entering you now, sorry.”
He was so drunk that he had whiskey dick, and repeatedly apologized to me for it. Of course I didn’t mind or judge him, especially because I had done a million and one embarrassing things that night already.
He suggested we try to take a shower to make things happen, so I was thinking, “Um, hell yeah I want to take a shower and bang the god from my high school.” So we headed over.
We get to the bathroom, he turns on the lights and I see him look at my half-hairy, scary vagina that I had already forgotten about partially shaving in my drunken stupor.
He smiles and turns on the shower. We get in and he sees his razor on the shower floor and looks legitimately confused as he says, “How did this get in here?”
I ignore the question and continue to make out with him.
Time and time again, we tried to have sex that night, and we mostly failed.
3:00 am: Night’s over.
Hunter walked me home and gave me a kiss goodbye. I felt like the luckiest drunk ducky despite all of the embarrassment.
11:47 am: The next day.
The next morning, he texted me the sweetest text about what a “great time” he had like a true gentleman.
I realized he was embarrassed about his whiskey dick, I was embarrassed about everything else and neither of us cared about the embarrassing things the other person did (or didn’t do… hehe).
I don’t know if you would call what we did that night “sex,” but I do know you would call what we did two weeks later “sex.” HOLLA.
YOU GO, GIRL.
Did you read that, ladies?
I think we can all agree our girl, Allie, lived every female’s worst nightmare. She hooked up with someone she was actually into and was not only ON HER PERIOD but also HAD NOT SHAVED.
Mortifying. Essentially everything that could go wrong did… and she still managed to hook up with him later.
More power to her.
*Names have been changed.
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