14 Reasons Why It Might Be A Good Idea To Marry A Jewish Girl
A few weeks ago, Elite Daily brought you The 23 Qualities Your Jewish Husband Must Possess. It was well-received by all, obviously.
But we're not greedy. We Rachel Weisz's and Natalie Portman's of the world know that in order to snag an Adam Brody or Jake Gyllenhall — AKA a Torah-reading, vacation-loving and reasonably tall Jewish husband — we must also deliver the goods.
And so we do.
In fact, from the shtetl, to the ghetto, to right here in New York City, we've devoted our lives to it, having watched our mothers do exactly the same. While every man is presumably looking for different qualities in his wife, we possess outstanding ones that any sane man should want.
Our challah plaiting skills are exemplary. Our ability to drive 4×4's and park them horrendously is commendable, and we're more than willing to hold charity events in our homes. (With advance notice and a little cajoling, of course, because we're independent, busy people, too.)
Behold: all the reasons why Jewish girls make the best wives.
1. They make the best food.
Sorry to start with the obvious, but it's got to be stated. A Jewish wife's chicken soup is as miraculous as the parting of the Red Sea and as delicious as Mannah from heaven.
She learned it from her mom, who learned it from her Bubba, and so on, until you have a soothing concoction that not only resembles your childhood, but is warm, filling and able to cure almost any ailment, from the flu to a headache.
And it doesn't just end there. Your wife will keep you happy and well-fed with home baked rugelach's, roast potatoes and fresh Challah. Nothing says Ayshet Chayil like her ability to lovingly prepare a Seder plate.
2. You will never need to make a decision again.
So sit back, relax and enjoy life. Don't think this means Jewish women are controlling. Your wife is just highly efficient and on top of everything, from remembering your mom's birthday to telling you when your car is due for an MOT.
Her diary is your diary, her organizational skills are your organizational skills. Enjoy a life of leisure, as your wife tells you where, what and when you will be vacationing every year for the rest of your lives.
3. Jewish wives are incredibly devoted to their husbands.
That's right, you're her constant number one… which she's happy to prove, by calling to “check in” 300 times a day. She'll always champion your cause and she'll always be right there supporting you in whatever you need.
She excels at social networking, and you are cast in a glowing light because of her. Hey, every good Patriarch was married to a great Matriarch.
4. She's ambitious for you.
She truly cares about your happiness and overall success. So, you won't face nagging when you come home late from a business dinner (but I can't promise you won't be guilt-tripped; she IS a Jewish wife after all.)
She's always on her best behavior at company events, to ensure you get the recognition you deserve and achieve your full potential.
Honestly, if Moses had just sent his wife, she would have charmed Pharaoh into giving the Jews freedom wayyy earlier. #letherpeoplego
5. She keeps herself in shape.
Much like the 10 Commandments, she treats trips to the gym, spa and hairdresser as things to simply live by. Unfortunately, you may get fatter and balder with age and her cooking, but she appears to age backwards.
With every Jewish couple I know, the question is generally, “How did he get her?”
Her body is as hairless as you are hairy. What we lack in naturally skinny thighs, we make up for in effort and abusing your Amex to physically enhance ourselves.
6. She knows having sex is a Mitzvah.
Yes. On EVERY Shabbat and some festivals too.
She's also turned on by a man who can lay Tefillin and say Kiddush, so brush up.
7. Her Jew-dar is spot on.
Yes, you may be better at the stock market than she is (Bull and bear what?), but can you tell by one quick glance under your oversized sunglasses, which family sunbathing by the pool is Jewish?
Because she can, and she'll ensure you're drinking Manischewitz with the new Jews before you've even noticed his oversized Chai necklace. L'Chaim!
If it weren't for her, you would have literally no friends. Know that if you get divorced (God forbid), they all side with her.
8. She will idolize your sons for you.
In the same way as your mom made it abundantly clear you were attractive, smart and adorable, your wife will be sure to pour as much love and devotion onto your sons. And daughters, but really, it's the sons she'll be telling are too good for every woman who comes their way.
9. She gets your humor.
And not many people do, so you should really be grateful that she laughs at your jokes, despite having heard them a hundred times, and understands all your cultural references.
Baruch Hashem, such is the beauty of marrying within the tribe.
10. By virtue of her wanting to look good, she makes sure you do too.
Your suits are always magically dry cleaned, your Ralph Lauren socks folded into balls and put away, your shirts wrinkle-free and freshly starched.
OK, she may not actually do it herself. But she ensures it all runs smoothly, and it's not something you ever need to think about.
11. Your home is always immaculate.
Again, she may not be the one personally plumping the cushions and sweeping under the bed. But she'll hire the perfect person to do just that, and your home life is organized, functional and easy.
12. She always includes your family.
Your Jewish wife is completely obsessed with her own family, and when she's not at lunch with them, she's on the phone to them. But this has significant advantages for you because family gatherings are a huge, fun affair where both your families come together regularly.
She creates a warm family environment where your family is always more than welcome to hang out, and you love her for it.
13. She loves to chat.
Meaning, she's interested in all the minutia of your day, including who you were in the elevator with, who you heard was getting married and what you had for lunch. This may get annoying, but you can't say she doesn't care.
14. Yay, all your kids will be Jewish.
In Judaism, the bloodline follows the mother. By virtue of you marrying and procreating with her, you are contributing to expanding the Jewish religion.
Given that there are only 13.7 million Jews worldwide (I know, it feels like they're all on the Upper West Side), this is a serious Mitzvah.
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