The process of looking for a new job is one of those stomach-churning, palm-sweating, anxiety-building, hair-losing, nausea-inducing experiences we’re all so blessed to have in our lives.
Between frantically checking your phone 20 times per hour, making yourself readily available at any given time of the day and talking about yourself without sounding like a total assh*le, hunting for a job is an emotional rollercoaster.
Now, scroll back up, read those sentences again and replace the word “job” with “significant other.”
Yeah, it’s the EXACT same sh*t.
The dating world and the professional world are one in the same. You’re going to have some ups, some downs, some successes and, undoubtedly, some disappointments. Here are seven reasons applying for a job is just like dating.
1. You are ready to go, any time, any place. And you’re going to be super casual about it.
Professional world: “Oh, you want me to come in at 7 am for an interview that will last for 43 hours? That sounds perfect! I’m really looking forward to meeting you and learning more about this opportunity. Thank you for your time.” *arrives 45 minutes early just to be safe*
Dating world: “Oh, you want me to come over at 3 am after you’ve been out drinking all night? Haha lol, you’re cray. I’m not doing anything now and I’m kinda bored, be over soon!” *takes two trains, one Uber and walks 12 blocks*
2. Your profiles are updated to show the best version of yourself.
Professional world: You ask everyone from your grandparents to that girl who lived down the hall freshman year to endorse your “PowerPoint” skills on LinkedIn. Also, you probably change your picture to one of you wearing glasses, you know, to look *~professional~*.
Dating world: You think to yourself, “Hmmm, the Paris attacks happened a while ago, but do I look like a bad person if I change my Facebook profile picture to a non-filtered picture? F*ck it, let me find one where my cleavage looks best.”
3. You get messages that basically read, “Thanks, but no thanks. Go f*ck yourself, loser.”
Professional world: “Your qualifications don’t suit our needs right now, but we will keep your resume in the system for future opportunities.”
Dating world: “I’m just not going to respond to your texts and Snapchats because no part of me wants to date you. I really don’t like anything about you. But hey, I won’t delete your number because I may be wasted next weekend and looking for a f*ck buddy.”
4. Getting rejected means hearing people tell you, “You just haven’t found the right one yet! It just takes time! This one wasn’t meant to be! The next one will be better! Don’t sweat it!”
Both worlds: “Uh, can you STFU, Aunt Ruth?! I’m not getting any younger here.”
5. You rationalize with yourself after being rejected.
Professional world: You think to yourself, “Why did I ever want to work at that company? Sure, the benefits were unreal, the salary would let me move out of my sh*tty shoebox-sized apartment, it’s basically a dream come true… but that b*tch who interviewed me had the world’s worst breath and I just couldn’t deal with that on a daily basis. This is a blessing in disguise.”
Dating world: “Yeah, his (or her) breath was nasty.”
6. You publicize your success.
Professional world: You know the second you actually land a job you’re changing your LinkedIn profile, your Facebook job info, your Twitter bio, your parents’ perception of you and maybe even throwing up an Instagram captioned: “I’m not a businessman, I’m a business, man.”
Dating world: You probably shouldn’t make a relationship public after a few dates… but after a couple weeks, you’re going to change your profile picture to a pic of you on your new bae’s back with a caption along the lines of , “My #MCM every day <3” (read: “HAHA SUCK IT YOU LONELY LOSERS. LOOK, I HAVE A BOYFRIEND, AND YOU’RE GOING TO DIE ALONE.”)
7. You’re going to have nervous bouts of diarrhea.
Both worlds: It is what it is.
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