I'm A Lesbian: Stop Asking Me To Have A Threesome With Your Boyfriend

All right sweet babes, let's talk about threesomes. No, not lesbian threesomes (That's an article for a whole other day.), I'm talking about a different kind of threesome. A threesome request, per se. A great phenomenon sweeping across the nation, targeting innocent lesbians seeking authentic lesbian connections.

OK, let me backtrack for a second. Close your pretty eyes, and visualize the following scene:

It's a lonely Friday night. It's winter. Maybe I've been stood up on a date. Maybe I've found myself displaced and alienated at a sparkly fancy party. Maybe I'm all dressed up with nowhere to go. Maybe I'm in my pink silk Betsey Johnson pajamas, sinking into the slate grey couch, spiraling down the lonely girl vortex.

Whatever. Who knows? Who cares? Because for whatever empty reason, I'm swiping my life away on Tinder, Bumble, whatever dating app. I've tossed back a few glasses of wine and am swimming in the Tinder pond.

Swipe. Swipe. Swipe. Yawn. Yawn. Yawn. Another day, another dollar.

Just when I think this whole charade is so tragic, and so boring, and isn't even remotely filling the gaping holes and empty voids in my life...suddenly, suddenly... "IT'S A MATCH!" enthusiastically dances across my cracked iPhone screen.

Regardless of how we feel about Tinder, there is a dirty little drug high that penetrates through your body when that charismatic "IT'S A MATCH" icon blows up on your screen (but like all dirty little drug highs, it's temporary and only leaves you feeling cheap and dirty when the buzz wears off).

I will check out my match, and she'll be just my type: strong jawline, clear eyes, a killer, understated style! Oh baby, where have you been my whole life?

And OH! She just messaged me. Maybe this whole Tinder thing isn't so bad.

With dilated pupils and a stiff jaw, I'll eagerly read her message. And in an instant, my illustrious hopes and dreams will come crashing down, splattering on the black pavement.

"Hey! My boyfriend and I think you're really cute! We only play together. And we're looking for a third. Want to meet up for a drink later? WINK FACE, WINK FACE, WINK FACE," the message will read.

First, I'm bewildered. Then the bewilderment takes a dark turn. I'm angry, baby. I'm angry.

F*ck you, and f*ck your wink face! Do you not see that my profile clearly states that I'm a l-e-s-b-i-a-n? Why would I want to sleep with you and your boyfriend?

Look, life is too short to sugarcoat: I find dicks repulsive. No matter how hard I tried to be attracted to men as a teen, it wouldn't -- and won't ever -- happen. There has just never been anything in the world sexy to me about a hairy chest. Just the very idea of my mouth grazing up against a scruffy bearded face is enough to make me want to stave off sex forever and ever.

Yet, just because I'm a lesbian, all threesome-seeking couples seem to think I'm an ideal candidate who is willing and eager to indulge in their sexual endeavors. It's happened to me more times than I care to count.

For a while, I thought maybe it was just me (classic narcissism). Maybe I was emitting a powerful threesome energy into the static air. I thought maybe, maybe, because I'm on open-minded girl creature who writes honestly about sex, and love, and feelings on the Internet, I was being targeted.

How wrong I was.

"I can't even go on Tinder anymore. It's all straight girls looking for threesomes with their boyfriends!" Sia*, a banker with ice blue eyes and jet black hair, shouted to me.

"Girl, I KNOW! I went on a date last night with a girl I met online, and halfway through the dinner, she tells me she has a boyfriend and they're looking for a third! What the f*ck is that!?" Erica*, an art director at a graphic design firm, roared in response.

"To be honest, Zara, I never told you this, but I saw you on Tinder last year, and I didn't swipe for you." Layla*, a sensitive business analyst, confessed, sheepishly lowering her dark eyes.

Layla is nothing more than a friend, but I found myself wildly offended that she didn't swipe for me (classic narcissism). "Why!?" I pressed, looking her dead in the eye.

"I don't know. You're just so girly. I assumed you were probably a straight girl looking for a threesome with her boyfriend."

"Well, that stings," I sighed dramatically, resting my sore head into the comfort of my palms.

"Are we all f*cked?" I wondered out loud. "Is the online dating game just not for us?"

A thoughtful silence hung heavy in the dry air as we pondered the future of our Tinder existence.

Damn. While Layla's assumption about me being a threesome-seeker stung, I understood. When so many of the girls seeking other girls on Tinder are simply looking to add a third, it does something to you. It can make you paranoid, even against the intentions of your own kind.

Here is the thing. The dating, the sex, the love we share exclusively with other women is our holy grail. It's sacred to us. When you start talking to a girl and realize she's only talking to you because she's interested in adding a third, it can make you feel, well, totally objectified.

Look, if you and your boyfriend want to have a threesome, that's totally fair game. I think all people should play out their sexual fantasies. I'm a sex-positive person, and trust me, I'm into some things that other people might deem, well, a little kinky. 

But please, my threesome seekers, have a little etiquette before you go propositioning just any ol' lesbian on the block. Check out her profile before you recklessly swipe right. If the girl states she's looking for girls only, respect that. And most of all, don't assume that just because a girl looks a certain way, is hyper-feminine or outwardly sexual, that she's interested in having sex with you and your boyfriend.

I don't know what it is about identifying as a lesbian that makes so many people I've encountered think I'm somehow fluid, can be swayed or somewhere deep down am OK with having sex with a man.

And most of all, please, dear girls, be upfront about what you want. State in your profile that you're looking for a threesome with your boyfriend. Post his picture. Don't put on this whole coy, flirtatious act to try to sneak us into the threesome.

It's sorely misleading to all of us girls looking for an authentic love, just like anyone else. Regardless of where you land on the sexuality spectrum, it's HARD to find love in this cruel, cold world. And we are looking for love just like anyone else. And just when we think we might have found someone to connect with, only to realize that all you're looking for is a pawn in the love you already have, makes us feel cheap, dirty and used.

*Name has been changed