When looking for a partner, looks are overrated.
Yes, you read that correctly. The desire in our culture to place looks above all else has led to some destructive relationships. There are few things sadder than watching a beautiful couple treat each other like trash.
There are few things more frustrating than listening to someone tell you a woman is “out of your league” because she's physically attractive — as if that were the only criteria that matters. It isn’t, and believing it will lead you to a life of misery and toxic relationships.
Don’t get me wrong; physical appearance is important, but it is not the most important trait to look for in someone you date. It is actually the bare minimum, and doesn't quite cut it standing alone.
The true golden standard for someone you should date is someone whose company you enjoy and whose presence makes your life better. The person you date should be someone who adds something positive to your life.
Anything else, as some of us know all too well, can be a considerable waste of time. Though this list is not exhaustive, there are three important qualities that blow physical attraction out of the water.
Few traits are more seductive than a zeal for life. When someone has found her passion, she comes alive in a way that draws you in. It makes you want to back her up and help her succeed — not that she needs your assistance.
She was passionate about her work, her craft and her life, long before you arrived. Now that you can see that passion in her eyes as she lights up when she talks about it, you're hooked.
The good thing about passion is that it doesn't stop. Passionate people are passionate about almost everything in their lives.
So when she kisses you, it's one hell of a kiss. In bed, she will wow you. Her faithfulness is beyond reproach because nobody can tear her away from someone she's passionate about (i.e. you).
Dating a passionate woman with the zest and energy required to live her life the way she wants to live it is always an adventure that you would be a fool to turn down. Just ask George Clooney; someone without passion doesn't hold that intense, wild, limitless gaze that holds your attention.
She looks more like a deer in headlights, dazed and confused, perhaps waiting for someone else to show her what she should do as she looks to latch onto someone else's life goals, or just the benefits. She might be okay for a night, but you'll end up getting bored and distancing yourself from her because you literally see nothing to her but her physical appearance.
You walk away, most likely into the arms of the passionate woman you just met at Starbucks who smiles from ear to ear as she talks about how much she loves saving the lives of animals as a veterinarian.
When you place these two women side by side, the one with passion always stands out, even if she's not the prettier of the two. The one without it, you'll soon forget.
This is not to be confused with the Cult of True Womanhood that requires unflinching submission with a smile; the aforementioned passion makes no room for that. This form of kindness is about respect.
There are too many people in the dating world who walk into relationships looking for power or some sort of advantage. They lie, manipulate and play games to get you to submit to their will.
Being with a kind girl doesn't allow you to skip on dates, intentionally hold someone on the backburner while you pursue a “better” option or juggle multiple people for the sake of attention and bragging rights.
A kind person is honest, upfront and sees no reason to use power plays in a romantic context. A kind person is not always nice, and that's an important distinction. She will tell you the truth, even if it hurts, about what she does or does not like because she knows it's better for both of you in the long run.
She understands that in a tough world prone to constant fighting and conflict, your romantic relationship is not the place for the dog-eat-dog mentality. The two of you should be able to meet on common ground and enjoy each other, and that can't happen without mutual respect and generosity.
This is not to say that you won't have disagreements, but even when you argue, you'll fight fairly until it's resolved and hopefully not go to bed angry.
A manipulator believes that every relationship is a power struggle and is always looking for ways to keep you under her thumb. A kind person believes that if the two of you are going to engage in a war, then you ought to be on the same side, and she is always looking for ways for the two of you to improve.
She is not here to take; she is here to give, and you should give in return in equal measure. If you do not find this trait attractive, then perhaps it's because you lack it yourself and fail to recognize its value.
You don't have to be a model to be kind, but a physically attractive woman who is utterly rude and cruel to those around her will only draw your frustration. If she is deceptive, she will only feed your mistrust and resentment until you get fed up and walk away without ever looking back.
The only men who will date her are the ones who have so little confidence that they're actually willing to suffer her company for the chance of sleeping with her. You'll never suffer the company of a kind woman; you'll find yourself yearning it.
Once you meet a kind woman, the choice to stay will be obvious.
The qualities listed earlier are great, but you can most likely find only a few people who possess them. Everyone is capable of finding his or her passion in life, and very few people are incapable of displaying kindness if they decided to make the effort.
Uniqueness is a trait that allows her to stick out. She has to have some innate quality that lets you pick her out from a crowd of a thousand. It doesn't matter what the unique quality is.
Uniqueness has nothing to do with whatever standards you may have about women in general. There has to be something about her that draws you in, and it cannot be defined by her physical beauty alone.
Physical appearance most certainly falls short in this department, especially in big cities like Chicago or New York, where beautiful women sit near you in cafés, ride next you on the bus and jog past you on the street every day. The more beauty you see, the more you get used to it, and the less it mesmerizes you.
However, combined with true uniqueness, a woman's beauty truly comes alive. Without it, she's just another pretty face. Uniqueness leaves a fingerprint in your mind that will never smudge or lift. It's what separates her from the rest, and you'll know it when you see it.
Again, physical beauty does matter, just not as much as we're often told it does. A pretty face with no substance can always be replaced by another.
A passionate, kind, unique woman is pretty hard to walk away from. If she lacks those qualities, she is quite easy to forget. There is an old phrase that says a pretty face gets your attention, but personality keeps it.
This is true with a small caveat: A pretty face can keep your attention until she's out of your sight. A beautiful person will captivate your mind until you see her next. Which one will you choose?
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