23 Qualities You Should Look For In The Perfect Jewish Husband
A short while ago, Elite Daily brought you the 40 Things Jewish Girls Can’t Live Without.
Today, a detailed exploration of what should be number one on the list: a Jewish husband.
You’ve been planning the wedding since you were four, and your mom’s been preparing a shidduch since before you were a fetus.
He’s a member of the tribe who looks cute in a yarmulke and is skilled in Israeli dancing. He probably kissed two of your best friends when you were in tenth grade.
To make sure you get a good one, look out for all the qualities listed below.
Just like the Ten Commandments, most of these are non-negotiable.
If he has all of them, walk around that mensch seven times and make him yours.
He must be sufficiently hairy.
While you draw the line at a hairy back, a lack of chest hair simply confuses you. Is he a child? Did he convert? It goes against what you know and love. A man should have enough to be able to hold on to.
It’ll be dark hair, of course, because everyone you know is dark. When you see the gold chai necklace just poking through a sexy mane of chest hair, he’s got it spot on.
He must vaguely resemble your dad, in a non-creepy way.
Again, there’s a clear line you draw here. In no way should you think of your dad when you look at him, and people should definitely not be confused about your relationship.
But, he should look familiar, and comforting, and reassuringly safe.
He should work in finance, law, real estate or medicine.
Because you don’t know how to communicate with anyone who doesn’t work in these industries, because they’re about as alien to you as a pork chop or a bagel without cream cheese.
The Big 4, as they shall now be known, are comfortingly familiar and financially stable careers. Sure, there are long hours, but if God can get His people out of Egypt, He can get them out of the Goldman office in time for Shabbat.
He must love your family as much as he loves his.
When a Jewish man gets married, he takes on not just a wife, but a family. Mainly a mother-in-law, but a family. He must love yours, and join in on family jokes, and understand that your family is a huge priority in your life.
If he doesn’t…
Then he should, at least, be prepared to spend Passover and Rosh Hashanah with yours. Because this is non-negotiable. You’ll be dipping apple and honey and eating charoset right where you always have.
His family is welcome too, of course. Because you’re nothing if not accommodating.
He should have a good phone plan.
Because, as he will come to learn, you like to use the phone. A lot. To your mom, four times a day, to tell her what you just ate.
And to your best friend, who you may have just seen, but now have an imperative thought to share.
He should know better than to attempt his own DIY.
Because Jewish men are terrible at this, and should know better than to attempt putting up a Mezuzah, let alone installing a new sound system.
He should recognize the limitations of his heritage, and know his strengths lie elsewhere.
He should know the alternative.
That is, he should be prepared to pay big for the services and handiwork you desire. And recognize this is actually a very cheap payout in return for your happiness and lack of moaning.
Whoever said “happy wife, happy life” was absolutely a member of the tribe.
He should know you will never take the first offer.
He was raised by a Jewish mother, so there shouldn’t be a problem with this one. Whether it’s a restaurant table or hotel room, third time’s the charm.
He should know never to unpack until you’ve checked whether the room is south-facing, has a tub and not a shower, and has sufficient closet space.
He should be nice to your friends… but not too nice.
You want your friends to love your husband like you do, and you want him to be generous, honest and hospitable towards them.
You do not, however, want him eyeing their cleavage or commenting on how pretty they are.
He should expect you to adapt every menu item in a restaurant.
In fact, he should come to love you for this, and anticipate your demands. When your Jewish husband makes the following order for you, you have won. “She’ll have the chicken salad, substitute chicken for tuna.
Add avocado but no beans or cucumber, extra kale and dressing on the side.”
He should know how to say Kiddush.
Because the traditions and customs matter, and you want a man who is as connected to his religion as you are. Like Moses led us out of Egypt, he should be able to lead Grace after meals like a pro.
He should really, really love getaways.
Simply because, well, you do, and you’ve grown accustomed to particularly luxurious ones. It’s important to have things in common with your partner, and aside from mutual trust and similar hobbies, there’s no reason you can’t bond over a shared appreciation of infinity pools and fluffy white toweling robes.
He should dress correctly at all times.
He should be comfortable in a variety of locations and situations, and never look out of place in any of them. He should know to wear a Tallit for Synagogue like he knows to wear a well-cut suit with cufflinks for work.
Your self-respecting Jewish husband should wear Tods on the weekend, Vilbrequins on the beach and a nice watch every day.
He should accommodate your temperature demands.
When you are freezing cold and need the heating on, he should comply immediately, with no concern for his own body temperature. When you decide you’re over-heating and it’s time for air-con, he should say yes.
And if he happens to be cold, he should smile, say nothing, and put on a sweater.
He should be sufficiently athletic.
Note: sufficiently, not amply or overly. He should be athletic enough to teach your son(s) — we’re going for the 12 tribes here — to ride a bike and play football because nothing is more attractive.
But, he should not be athletic enough that people question his Jewishness. If he is good at basketball, ask to see his parents’ Ketubah.
He must understand your needs.
Whether you decide to work or be a stay-at-home mom, he should respect that. If you decide to be a stay-at-home mom who feels the need to have two live-in cleaners, a driver and a chef, he should accommodate this desire immediately.
If you say you have nothing to wear, he shall nod his head sympathetically and not look at his watch when you try on your eleventh outfit.
He should love food.
All food. Lots of food. All the food you ever make and force-feed him, in an attempt to balance out your gluttony. If you serve him something inedible, he must ooh and ahh and compliment your prowess in the kitchen.
He should like women who can eat.
Ideally, he also would not care when said woman gains a few pounds. He should recognize that a true Ayshet Chayil cares about looking good in her Herve Leger, but cares more about her mission to try every rugelach in town.
He should love Israel.
In the same way you do, he should want to go back year after year. He should want to support it financially, be an outspoken advocate for its existence and proudly call himself a Zionist.
Should he wish to demonstrate this by purchasing a penthouse on Rothschild Boulevard, that would be fine. He should want to show your children all the wonders of this incredible country, from Masada to the Galilee, and ensure Israel is as much a part of their upbringing as it was yours.
He should call his mom at least twice a week.
You like that his family is important to him, and you also want your children to learn from his example. This should put the fear of God in them, so they call you daily from college.
And if they don’t, your Jewish husband will expertly punish them, so you never have to be the mean one.
He should be sentimental enough to cry at the birth of all your children.
Jewish men aren’t always particularly emotional. You can’t blame them – our ancestors survived the destruction of two temples and they’re probably scarred by the pain of their Bris Milah, so crying at “The Notebook” does seem a little trite.
But, like the inside of your perfectly baked (aka store-bought) Challah, he should know when to show his soft side. It’s important that he feel things deeply and not be afraid to explore his emotions.
He should let you pick the names.
Of the children, that is. Hopefully, you’ll agree, and hopefully, you’ll both like something mainstream and suitably normal and Jewish. (Hannah, Sarah, Rachel — you get the drill.) If not, you can throw him a bone with the middle name or Hebrew name.
But, you did all the hard work of carrying and pushing, and your husband knows that means one thing: It’s your way or the highway.
Men… if you fit all these criteria, please call.
Photo Courtesy: Entourage/HBO
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