Lez Get You Laid: 7 Sex And Dating Tips For Men From A Lesbian
Hey boys, I'm back. It's me, Zara, your trusted lesbian Internet wingwoman.
It's been a while since we last spoke, and I miss you (sort of). At this stage in the game, you and I have developed a pretty strong relationship, don't you think? Throughout the past six months, we've navigated the dark and stormy waters of going down on women, having casual sex with women and picking up women in bars without seeming like a total creep.
Of course, those of you who don't know me might be seething behind the static screens of your laptops. "Who the hell does this self-important bitch think she is? And what makes HER an authority on women? UGH, LESBIANS ARE SO SMUG!"
And I get it. I am pretty cocky. I'm recklessly tossing out my unsolicited dating and sex advice across the Internet like I'm the Cesar Milan of women. However, it's in your best interest to get over it and hear me out. Because lez be honest: No one understands a woman like a lesbian. No one.
So boys, today is your lucky day. Here are 7 more general sex and dating tips (to add to the 13 I gave you last time!) that will help you crush it in the girl game.
Tip 1: Don't have an orgasmic meltdown, PLEASE.
I totally, 100 percent get it. I LOVE to give a woman an orgasm. You LOVE to give a woman an orgasm. I've never met a straight boy or a lesbian who isn't passionate about making a girl orgasm. Making a girl come is addictive. Once you do it, you just want to keep doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it.
But just because we crave the drug doesn't mean we can always have the drug, right? It's just one of those bitter life truths.
Sadly, there are just going to be times when it just doesn't happen. Sometimes a woman can be wildly turned on by you and be loving every moment of the mind-blowing sex you're engaging in, but still can't get off. You could have a Master's degree in WOMEN from Harvard University with a minor in the ~female orgasm~ and STILL FAIL to make a girl orgasm.
It's just hard to do sometimes. There is no perfect formula. So long as you tried your damn best and made sure to ask her what SHE LIKES, your lady not orgasming probably has nothing to do with you. Girls are complicated creatures in and out of the bedroom.
Maybe she's too drunk. Maybe her focus is scattered. Maybe she's so into you that she can't physically let herself go there yet (orgasms can be a head game for women). Hell, maybe she's on antidepressants! I didn't come for like 7 months once because I was on a really high dose of Prozac.
Remember, this is not a threat to your masculinity. Don't take it as some kind of blow to your ego. And most of all, don't keep insisting on trying to give her the O if she says she's had enough. It will only drive her insane. In fact, it will put so much pressure on the orgasm that she probably won't be able to have one EVER with you. I mean it.
Just be chill about it, and remember she can have insanely amazing sex without having an orgasm. The lack of an orgasm isn't necessarily a sexual fail. And you putting so much pressure on it is precisely why so many women fake orgasms. Just so you will shut up about the whole thing.
Tip 2: Never, ever have her over when your apartment smells like dirty socks.
I don't care if you're wasted and want to have wild, salacious, drunken sex and your place is the ONLY option. Hold yourself back, no matter how horny you are. No girl worth her salt will want to have sex in a dirty room, on dirty sheets, with the putrid stench of socks hanging heavy in the static air.
I'm not trying to sock-smell-shame you (maybe a little bit), as I don't think most of you can help it (or can you?). But if you think there is even a slight chance you will be bringing a girl over to your apartment, be sure to light a manly-scented candle earlier in the day, open the windows to air out the boy stench, clean the sheets and make the bed.
Your place doesn't need to be a big and lavish palace. It could be a sh*t studio in a 6-story walk-up. But if it's clean, she'll be majorly impressed. And isn't that the ultimate goal?
As a fellow lady lover, I know it's certainly mine.
Tip 3: If you go on a date with her and aren't attracted to her, you don't need to be a dick about it.
There is nothing more irritating than going on a date with a chick who looked incredible on Tinder, only to find out she looks entirely different IRL. Trust me, it's happened to me more times than I care to ever count, but it's just the risk you take when you enter the big, bad world of dating online.
But hey boys, that's totally OK. You don't need to fly out of there like a rabid bat soaring out of the fiery pits of hell. You can have a few drinks and be the gent your mother raised you to be.
Disclaimer: If she's exuding total NUTTY energy, run. Because girls who are nutty have a special prowess that will lure you in, and the next thing you know, you will be walking down the aisle and committing to a lifetime with an emotionally unstable nut job. I know this because I once was the nut job that drew 'em in.
Anyway, unless she's a total whack-job, there is no need to act like a dick and cut the date early. You can still have a drink with her. I mean, just because she doesn't look like her profile picture doesn't mean she's not an awesome person. And look, you committed to a date. You always want to be known as a man who follows through on his commitments.
And really, what's the worst thing that happens? You have a couple of drinks with someone you're not so wild about? It's not the end of the damn world. Plus, word will get around if you ditch your date too quickly. The self-respecting babes that you covet will hear about what a dick you were and they will want nothing to do with you.
If there is anything I want you to take away form this tip, it's this: GIRLS TALK. WE KNOW EVERYTHING.
Tip 4: Know your audience.
Look, if you're tossing back some beers with your boys (or lesbian friends), please feel free to point out the hot waitress with the pouty lips and the sultry smile. We are your audience. We are looking at her, too.
However, your date is a very different audience. Don't do that with her.
It's not even about jealousy. It's just irritating to the girl ear. So just refrain from that sh*t, OK? Also, for the love of GOD, refrain from ex talk. Save the ex talk for me, your lesbian BFF. Not your date.
Tip 5: Know thy clit.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: The clit is your best friend. And your best friend doesn't like to be ignored. It's rude.
Plus, she's a magical entity, full of endless nerve endings. Her whole existence is for extreme ~sexual pleasure~.
Don't fear her, don't trivialize her, and for the love of GODDESS, don't you dare disregard her. And never complain about not being able to give a woman an orgasm if you don't give Ms. Clit the attention she so deserves. She's a powerful forcefield of sexual energy, and she can be intimidating, even to us lesbians. But remember, the clit is on YOUR SIDE. She will only help you.
Tip 6: Don't accept oral unless you're willing and eager to give HER oral.
A girl giving you a blowjob is not a hookup. Never, ever, ever accept a blowjob unless you're willing to go down on her. In fact, be a f*cking gentleman, and go down on her first!
If you're scared of going down on a woman, get over it! Ask her what she likes. Read my oral sex guide. I promise you it's an incredible experience and a total privilege. And, well, if you don't like going down on a woman, you're probably playing for the wrong team.
Tip 7: Master the art of the eye f*ck.
I recently asked a bunch of lesbians about how they seal the deal with another chick, and I was met with a collective answer from every babe: It all starts with a look.
You've got to master the art of the eye f*ck. It's not a creepy, I'm gazing-into-your-soul kinda stare. Throw her some soft bedroom eyes that exude confidence. You need to penetrate her gaze before you can penetrate anything else, boys.
That's it for today, baby! Until next time. Message me on Facebook with any questions, thoughts or concerns you might have.
XO,
Zara
Your Internet Lesbian Wingwoman
