4 Questions To Ask Your Partner About Their Sexual Health Before You Have Sex
The decision to have sex with a new partner isn't a small thing to overlook. Often, it's fraught with not only emotional questions, but physical, and logistical questions as well.
Of course, you'll want to ask yourself if you are ready to take such a big step, and make sure your partner is too. But before you take your clothes off, you'll want to have a serious conversation about your partner's sexual health.
Dr. Jennifer Caudle, Family Physician, and Assistant Professor at Rowan University School of Osteopathic Medicine, says it's important for couples to be able to have an open, honest dialogue about sex before they have it.
"Couples should discuss their health history, history of sexually transmitted diseases (STD's) and should also get tested for STD's," says Caudle. "I often recommend that couples get tested together. Ultimately, having an open and honest dialogue with your partner, getting tested for STD's and using safe sex practices is the best way to go."
Before sleeping with your partner for the first time, here are a few questions you should ask them to help put you at ease.
1. Have You Always Been Safe?
It's natural to wonder whether or not your partner has consistently been safe in the past. While this may open up the door of finding out exactly how many sexual partners you've each had, it's best to keep the conversation flowing in a safe environment. Allow for some honesty, and don't turn your questions into an interrogation.
Dr. Martha Tara Lee, a clinical sexologist (DHS, MA, BA) and founder of Eros Coaching, says to ask if your partner has always used condoms, and to have a plan in case they make you feel weird about asking.
"If the person is evasive, say something along these lines, 'I am asking this because I am just taking care of me. I do not need to hear the details, but I am asking what I need to know so I feel safe in having sex with you,'" says Lee.
If your partner hasn't been consistently safe, but is STI-free, then you need to evaluate how you feel about taking things to the next step by establishing a sexual relationship.
Trust plays a huge factor when it comes to having sex with someone for the very first time.
2. When Was The Last Time You Were Tested?
Getting tested for sexually transmitted diseases is the only way to know that you are continually free of them.
Even if you're using condoms each time, that shouldn't omit you from seeing a doctor and getting a regular check-up. Remember, STDs and STIs can still be transmitted if penetration hasn't taken place. Condoms will only get you so far.
Dr. Lee says it's important to ask your partner upfront about the last time they got tested - and of course, about what the results were.
"I know it is easy to get caught up in the moment, skip this conversation and just go with the flow," says Lee. "However, you need to know that most carriers of STIs do not have any symptoms, and hence do not know that they have a STI. Do you really want to be worrying about any negative consequences from your time with this person on top of everything else that you are grappling with in life? We have responsibilities to ourselves."
Getting tested regularly is ideal, and it's best to get yourself in a routine every few months.
3. Would You Be Willing To Get Tested Right Now?
From partner to partner, you want to make sure that you are as safe as possible. Although most STIs come from sexual intercourse, there are some that can spread from skin-to-skin contact, like through an open sore. That's why it's important to stay up-to-date on your own sexual health, as well as your partners.
Dr. Lee says to ask if they'd be willing to have a test before the two of you even have sex. Even if they claim to be totally healthy, you may never know. Also, they may not even know if they're a carrier for something with no symptoms.
You never know if a person is being totally upfront with you, so it's best to cover all your bases.
"Do not use your intuition on this one," says Lee. "What if you were wrong? Would you be willing to live with yourself on this?"
There's no way to tell if someone is actually free of STDs unless you have a medical test from a licensed physician or facility saying so. A full-on discussion is great, but nothing will take the place of actual test results.
4. What Is Your Approach For Safe Sex?
After you're sure you're both clear on the STD front, the last thing to bring up is a solid plan for on-going safe sex practices. Being clear of worry is one thing, but having a discussion about how you can both stay healthy (and baby free) is ideal.
A conversation about staying safe is key, as you want to make sure you're both on the same page.
Obviously, that means having the condom talk. Will they always be used? Will there be situations where you'll make exceptions as the relationship goes along? Do you have a different approach that doesn't involve condoms at all?
Be prepared for a detailed discussion about how you'll continue to stay safe.
That could expand over back to the talk of testing, whether together or apart, especially if this isn't an exclusive relationship you're talking about.
If monogamy isn't a thing here, you should definitely discuss safe sex in terms of yourselves, as well as with other partners.
Be sure your sexual health talk is all-encompassing, covering all bases necessary to make you feel comfortable.
Deciding to have sex with a new partner is a big decision. Make sure you go into it informed, communicative, and with all the answers you need.
