One of the biggest thrills of life has to be a quickie. There is nothing more satisfying, as it combines the pleasurable experience of sex with adventure, danger, risk taking and extremely quick thinking. There is an art to the infamous quickie and there are some guidelines that are needed to follow to pull off a successful one.

Collectively, we have experienced some of the most ridiculous quickies known to mankind. Thus, we have put together the dos and don’ts so that you can learn from our successes and failures in this matter. Not only will this educate you, but also ensure that you will have some of the best quickies you have ever experienced.

Get her excited before you see her

This one is imperative. You must get her excited before you see her to set up the quickie. It just cuts a lot of time out and allows you to get right to the point. You can go with texts, emails, a picture of your package and maybe even some text sex to get her all hot and wet.

Getting things done in 5 minutes or less does not leave a lot of time left over for foreplay, and as we all know women like to see some sort of preview before the main event. Thus you must get her mind on sex before the fact, which will allow her to be ready for the encounter. You have to get down to the chase here so there is no time for going through the motions. When women are wet and are thinking about sex, it is very hard for them to stop themselves unless you have a hickey on your neck from your dubious evening at LAVO.

No scheduling your session

The thing that makes a quickie so unique is that it is done spontaneously. Planning ahead will kill the moment. Having set expectations will allow her to hit you with the “you only use me for sex” line, and then you’re not getting booty for a week. Don’t expect it and just let it happen. Always be ready.

Think outside the bed

It should be illegal in all 50 states to have a quickie on your bed. Quickies are supposed to be exciting and adventurous. Look for couches, kitchen countertops, desks floor anywhere but the bed. When you enter a room, restaurant, club, or vehicle, mentally map out all possible sex spots so you don’t waste valuable time nervously giggling and searching for a secluded area. That is not smooth.

Keep in mind placements

If you decide on a location that involves moveable objects such as a bathroom, broom closet or museum gallery, then it is in your and her best interest to make sure that you watch out for all these objects. It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt, and with the threat of foreign objects, the chances of someone getting hurt are extremely high. Be cautious. If someone does get hurt you can kiss quickies goodbye.

Take full ownership of the situation

The quickie is not made for you to make love and show how passionate you are for your lover. It’s supposed to be quick and satisfying. Submit to your pure animal instinct and everything else will fall into its own place. Remember, you’re limited on time so the goal here is to finish as quickly as possible. Make yourself bust quickly and don’t worry about her pleasure. The last thing you want to end up with is blue balls from a quickie; they’re deadly.

The under 5/over 2 rule

It’s as simple as it sounds. Keep things under five minutes, but over two minutes. Two minutes is respectable enough to tell her you didn’t try to get rid of it too fast, and fewer than five stays in the confines of it being considered a quickie.

Act before thinking

We don’t often encourage this among men because acting before thinking can have serious consequences—just ask Kanye West. But in this case, quick thinking equals quick sex. If the opportunity is there, imply that maybe you should have a quickie. It’s like eastern philosophy: you don’t necessarily find the quickie. The quickie actually finds you.

Be creative

The thing about quickies is that you can actually put yourself within any fantasy depending on the location. To make things fun, add in some role-playing and see where it goes.

Be Elite. Have a quickie.

Elite.