Why Handjobs Should Be Banned Forever

Mike Pence, wet socks and handjobs: These are just some of the things I despise.

Handjobs, the sad excuse for sexual interaction with another human, are straight up abysmal.

Handjobs are a sad excuse for sexual interaction with another human.

Staring deeply into someone's soul as they ferociously rub their hand against your dick just doesn't seem morally right. Even with gallons of lube, handjobs always end up dry and distasteful.

It gets even worse when you casually look around your room while you do it, taking note of the amount of dust on your dresser and the "Captain America: Civil War" figurines you thought you'd hidden from plain sight.

Getting jerked off by someone else also requires such a cleanup.

There's no safety net involved, like a mouth or a condom, so things will get messy. No matter how in control of your load you are, one unexpected stroke can have your bed, clothes, yourself, or your partner covered in something no one usually wants.

Unless you're into that kind of thing… no judgment here.

There's just no real passion with a handjob. There's no spark or connection between you and the person with their hand wrapped around your member.

I don't think I've ever finished from a handjob with my eyes rolled into the back of my head, tingling from head to toe. And that's if I finish at all.

There's no spark or connection between you and the person with their hand wrapped around your member.

Plain and simple, handjobs are just completely inferior to every other sexual activity. Leave the handy Js back in high school where they belong (or middle school for all you quick studies out there).

I have been blessed with two perfectly usable hands, each capable of holding heavy objects, opening a door or grasping my penis. No one knows that big guy better than I do.

I've been masturbating longer than some of you have been alive (not incessantly, but you know, like, every so often), and let me just say, I'm kind of a pro. I know what I like and what I don't like. And my preferences are just something nobody will ever be able to master.

I know the proper way to hold it without so much pressure that I'm at risk of popping a blood vessel. I know when to lighten up if I've been going for so long, it feels like I'm about to start a forest fire.

I also know when to just call it quits because "it" just ain't gonna happen.

So if you're incessantly rubbing me up and down, and my face looks like I'm sucking on Warheads, please... just stop.

If you're incessantly rubbing me up and down and my face looks like I'm sucking on Warheads, stop.

The second blowjobs, let alone anything penetrative, were put on the table for me, handjobs were immediately benched in my mind. And I'm not just saying for the season — I'm talking banished from this Earth.

If you're on the receiving end of a blowjob, there's a task at hand that will almost always end in completion. There's no awkward conversation to be had or unbalanced rhythm that can come with a handjob.

And sex... well, sex is sex. It's the best thing on the menu. It's kind of like pizza. It can burn the roof of your mouth, but you're still going to eat it anyway.

I'll let you think about that one for a little.

Now, I can't speak for all parties with a penis. Sure, some guys oddly favor handjobs, and hey, to each his own. But with years of experience under my belt, I just know that handjobs are no good.

I'm shaking my own head just thinking about that wretched, sexual-torture tactic.

After you get a handjob, do you feel happy? Completely satisfied? Are you going to run outside and scream up to the heavens that you are so lazy that you just had someone else jerk you off?

I don't think so.

If I take my pants off, I want to end up exhausted, sweaty and actually feel like I accomplished something. A handjob is certainly nothing to go on and brag out.

When it comes to jerking off, I'm the only one who's trusted to complete this mission, so don't even offer.

Sorry 'bout it.