You have found yourself in that precarious position that you had sworn you would never fall for again: in bed with another girl in her 20′s whose indistinguishable love making skills have you sordid. She looked so beautiful an hour ago dancing on Griffin’s couches in 6-inch heels.
After spending an unsightly amount of money on Grey Goose cocktails and empty promises of trips to St. Barths, you’ve only come home to the disappointing a truth: she is terrible in bed.
We all know you are no where near as skilled as Peter North, but if she is about as useful as a sex doll in bed you will never get anywhere. Listen, men fake orgasms too. And if she has you tugging your line at the end just to squeak out a finish, you might as well toss the wrapper there and call it a night.
The disappointment and embarrassment of bringing home a lemon is enough to kill anyone’s sexual mojo. You are probably more disappointed at the fact that you attracted another dud. No one wants to drive a car with a worn down interior.
Most men are willing to deal with bad sex, but we here at Elite refuse to accept the status quo. If her moves in bed are incommensurate to your own, it might be high time to exchange her for more valuable goods. Grab the mouse clicker and exit out of your secret porn browser, here is how:
Call In Sick
The funny thing is that bad sex can actually make you sick. Since the dawn of time, women have used phony ailments such as headaches and upset stomachs to get out of having sex. But two can play at that game. If the stars have aligned and the moon is in the right place, she might be feeling amorous and up for a night of passion. You, alternatively, would rather sleep, watch sports or do almost anything instead of enduring another night of passionless sex. It is not you; it’s her.
Yawning at least once every few minutes should do the trick. If that is not enough to ward off her advances, then make regular trips to the toilet and proceed to groan loudly enough for your girlfriend to hear. She will soon be colder than a streaker in the midst of a Canadian winter.
Talk It Out
While this may seem like the safest route to better sex, men sometimes have to paint a very vivid for picture for women to understand. We have already established that you cannot just tell the missus how bad she is in the sack. But a little scheming can go a long way.
Ask her if there is anything in particular she would like you to do when getting intimate. Not only does it make your girlfriend feel special, but it also gives you an excuse to tell her exactly what you want. Women love to talk, so use this to your advantage.
Keep Spankwire On Your Homepage
There is a fine line between exposing your woman to a little porn and being a X-Art pervert. If she is more on the conservative side, this could get you into some hot water. And if that is the case, run for the hills while you can. Regularly getting caught watching porn or flicking through smutty magazines will inevitably lead to a barrage of mind-numbing questions.
But if you want the missus to enhance her performance, you have to take the rough with the smooth. She will immediately question why you feel it is necessary to get your rocks on by watching other women go at it. “What do those trashy whores have that I don’t?” She will inevitably wonder after catching you ogling a buxom brunette named Candy and her erotic blond friend, Sasha, working their way through the Kama Sutra chart.
At this point, she will feel vulnerable, easy to manipulate and more susceptible to your lies. Tell her you were watching porn to spice up your sex life and coerce her into sitting through at least one DVD. Then delicately suggest she applies what she learned to your next sexual dalliance. Repeat until she either improves or uncovers your sordid plan.
Enroll her in Samba or Pole Dancing Lessons
If she can dance, she can f*ck. And no, fist pumping to Calvin Harris does not count as dancing. Women should learn a lesson from our beautiful Latina women: it is all in the hips.
Take a class with her if it makes her feel more comfortable. There is nothing wrong in breaking a sweat with other beautiful women. A little manipulation can go a long way for this next tip. While you are thinking about sex every 10 seconds, she is worrying about her weight, makeup, hair, nails, foundation, fake tan, etc. In short, she frets far more about her appearance than you do about yours.
So what better way for her to feel sexy while burning the calories than pole-dancing or samba lessons? She may be initially reluctant to accept, but a quick Google search for some news article on how it is not only an incredibly good workout, but also a major turn-on for most men, should do the trick.
Picking Up The Pounds
Desperate times call for desperate measures. Sometimes you just have to be cruel to be kind, and getting her to sexually gratify you is one of those moments. Buying clothes that are a size too small for her is a particularly effective way to deliver your message. After she’s finished moaning, a casual comment along the lines of “oh, I thought you were a size X” will have her convinced she’s piling on the pounds.
If all goes to plan, she will put more effort into her fitness regime and sexual exploits to burn off those extra calories. We’re assholes, but we only mean the best.