Why Men Don't Befriend Women

You can't live with them, you can't live without them—and you sure as hell can't just kick it with them. Women. The dispute over whether or not men and women can manage a platonic relationship has gone on for ages.

And some people still seem to be under the misguided impression that the two sexes can manage a non-sexual relationship. I'm here to tell you why this is false.

Men and women are meant to procreate. This is our primary biological function. Other than that, the only important function women play (in respect to males) is the companionship they provide when the two decide to form what we call the modern-day relationship.

This does not necessarily require marriage, but it does suggest sex. The more sex, the better the relationship—in my opinion anyway.

We are all egocentric creatures with limited time in this world. No matter how hard we try, we will never be able to do all the things we would like to do, see all the things we would like to see, or experience all that we would like to experience. Since most of us understand this, we willingly succumb to our selfish tendencies. We focus on ourselves, our wants and needs, and we ignore those around us.

Many of you might have been made of aware of this when you entered into a relationship destined for abrupt conclusion. You thought he was being a selfish prick and you were right, he was being a selfish prick. But it wasn't him, it was you.

Well, to be fair, it was your relationship—the two of you—that wasn't working. You see, it is in our nature—and in men's more than women's—to be selfish and self-centered. We are, and will continue to be, forever selfish.

You may be thinking to yourself that this can't possibly be true. That there are instances when a man and woman fall in love and the man all of a sudden feels the need to take care of, nourish, and even sacrifice things for the woman he loves. True. However, consider how selfless these acts resulting from love actually are. A person's perspective always remains the same—you can only see and experience the world through your eyes, through your senses.

This will never change. A person that does something for the person he loves, does so in order for his loved one to be happy. However, nothing we do is completely selfless.

Sure, we want the woman we love to be happy and we will occasionally sacrifice some things that would clearly only make us happy in order to see her smile—but at the end of the day we only please others in order to satisfy ourselves. Why do we do things to make her happy? Because it makes us happy to see her happy.

Now, I'm not necessarily a fan of the entirely pessimistic view in which we only do things because they benefit us alone, even if our acts appear to be directed at someone else and result in that person's happiness. I do believe that a person can do something for someone else solely because they want to see that person happy, but you cannot deny that wanting to see that person happy is something that you want.

Satisfying that desire will make you as happy as the act made the person you care about happy. In other words, while you can clearly do something for another person with purely selfless intentions, the fact of the matter is that it's not entirely possible.

These pseudo-selfless acts can be found within countless relationships all over the world. One thing to remember is that these can only be found in relationships that have a flourishing sex life or by a guy hoping to get his dick wet in the near future. If a guy doesn't think that doing something nice for a woman will get him laid, then he won't do it. This is why men and women can't be friends.

Men are always wanting things, always thinking about how to get ahead—and how to get some head. The only time that men will do anything they believe to be selfless is either for a family member or, the more likely case, for the woman who will be riding him to kingdom come as soon as they find a dark alley.

When a man meets a woman for the first time one of three thoughts come to his head. One: she is most definitely fuckable. Two: I wouldn't touch that with 10-foot pole. Or Three: I'll take another look after a couple of beers. You will never, ever have a man thinking: Hmmm… I think I would really like to get to know this gal. She seems like someone I would like to talk to and to not fuck. It's never going to happen.

When we meet you, we either want to fuck you or we're not interested in talking to you. Like I said, we have a limited amount of time on this planet and men everywhere would like to spend as much of it as possible mid-coitus. Men are thinking about sex all the time. We have more than enough guy friends and unless we are just very, very lonely, we won't want to start a friendship with you.

Even then we are most likely trying to figure out how to turn the “platonic” relationship into a sexual one. Men and women can't be friends—not for too long anyway. Sooner or later, either the man or the woman will want to jump the other's bones.

That's right ladies, I said that you were slightly less self-centered than we guys—slightly. You are just as much to blame for the impossibility of an exclusively platonic relationship as we are. But who cares? Screw friendship. Just screw.

Paul Hudson | Elite. 

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