The first girl in my high school friend group to have sex told us all that it felt so mind-blowingly amazing, she couldn't "help but scream" in pleasure. "Couldn't help but scream." I swear to the Chanel flagship store on 5th avenue, those were her exact words.
I had older sisters who knew better and who had warned me throughout my adolescent years that the first time you have sex sucks, but it does get better. Now, though, this skinny, little, olive-skinned "good girl," with a severe bob haircut and straight across bangs, had not just moaned, but she screamed in pleasure. The. First. Time.
"He made me cum, like, three fucking times," she said, twirling a pristine lock of hair around her baby-pink polished finger. "Sex is so, like, amazing, guys."
We all stared at her, jealousy dripping out of our teenage, shimmery-shadowed eyeballs. I had given myself orgasms before, but I had never SCREAMED with pleasure.
This set me up for over a decade of unrealistic orgasm expectations. After all, isn't most of the damage we feel in our 20s derived from our tormented adolescence?
I thought orgasms, as they had been for my dear frenemy, were surely "easy" and "blissful." And because orgasms were really, really hard for me when I wasn't using my hand or my Hitachi Magic Wand, I assumed there was something wrong with me.
I was absolutely convinced that, no, the boy wasn't the problem — I was the problem.
Of course, the boy turned out to be the problem.
That's not just because I'm a lesbian, but because boys would just stick their fingers inside of me and aggressively shove themselves into my vagina with no ease or skill. They would go down on me for 30 goddamn seconds, and if I wasn't squealing with pleasure and coming instantly, begging for more, then I had issues.
There were so many stupid sex things that tore my self-esteem apart that I wish I had known in my 20s.
I haven't even been 30 years old for six months, but I swear I feel a shift. I feel as if, lately, I've been doing a lot of reflecting and having cringe-worthy flashbacks to my 20s.
The whole decade was a giant mess. There were a few happy moments peppered in the mix, but if my life was a book, then my 20s would be a chapter called "The Mess I Sort Of Remember."
I was drunk for a lot of my 20s. I also had drunken sex for a lot of my 20s. And now, all I'm left with are embarrassing flashbacks, painful memories and fantastical ideas of what I thought sex was supposed to be like.
But I'm wiser now. And as your lesbian big sister, I'm here to rescue you from making the same mistakes I made.
I'm so selfless, honey, I know, but I exist to rescue my kittens on the internet. I'll answer your call any time.
And by "call," I mean Facebook message.
Here are 20 sex things I wish I had known in my 20s (actually, I could write a whole book, but I'm trying to be cute with the whole 20/20 thing. I know, I hate me too).
1. It's hard to have an orgasm. It takes time to have an orgasm. If you're not orgasming, it's not because you have some tragic genetic disease or sad psychological condition that prevents you from orgasming.
2. Don't ever say, "I don't need lube. I get wet NATURALLY," as if it's some sort of youthful achievement to be wet. Yes, you do get wet. You'll still get wet in your 30s, but lube will keep you wet, even after 45 minutes of penetration. Your vagina will not.
3. Don't get drunk on your period and forget you have a tampon inside yourself. It will lead to hospital visits and humiliation.
4. Don't drink yourself stupid because you have performance anxiety with sex. It's counterproductive. You'll have MORE anxiety the next day because you'll know you were a sloppy, drunken lover. Plus, you won't even remember if the condom came off or not, which will lead to a lot of fear, visits to Planned Parenthood and Plan B purchases at the drug store.
5. Don't ever hook up with someone your friend has either liked in the past, had sex with (oral included), made out with OR flirted with incessantly. Just don't. There are plenty of women out there. Don't go messing around with your friends' exes or enemies.
6. Anyone who has the nerve to tell you, "I would introduce you to my parents, but my last girlfriend got WAY too attached," is scum, and they're lucky you ever looked in their direction. You should dump them right now.
7. Anyone who has the nerve to tell you, "I like you, but I'm not over my ex yet," is scum, and they're lucky you ever looked in their direction. You should dump them right now.
8. Anyone who has the nerve to tell you they "like you" and that "it's different with you," but then doesn't return your calls after you have sex is scum, and they're lucky you ever looked in their direction. You should dump them right now.
9. Anyone who doesn't go down on you is a pussy.
10. The reason you're avoiding sex with your boyfriend all the time is because you're actually a giant lesbian. It's the same reason why you sit and watch marathons of "The L Word" and why you go to lesbian clubs with your lesbian friends and stare at everyone, mortified and turned on at the same fucking time.
11. Don't let misogynistic lesbians shame you for being femme and not take you seriously when you want to get on top.
12. In fact, don't subscribe to the whole "top" and "bottom" lesbian rules. It doesn't work for you.
13. Don't go down on anyone while you have a dry mouth. It's hard enough to go down on someone, and it's torturous when your mouth is dry from drinking. Chug water before oral.
14. Don't go down on someone after you've just spent $50 on a blowout. Their cum will get in your hair, and it's like flushing $50 down the toilet. You don't have that kind of money... yet.
15. If you're going to be wearing tights all day at work, and you're set to meet your hookup later for some sexy time, bring a different pair of tights to change into after work. Tights roast your feet, and the combination of sweat and nylon makes for a terrible smell. You'll feel self-conscious the whole time you have sex, and it will absolutely be the elephant in the room.
16. Don't go feeling all smug if you didn't have sex and only had ORAL SEX. Oral is more intimate than sex, sometimes, and you can still get STDs from it.
17. Don't trust any creep (male or female) who looks at you with demonic eyes and promises to help you with your "career" if you'll only "go for one drink." That person is a sexual predator. No one is going to help you with your career over drinks. They're trying to fuck you.
18. Don't skip dinner before a drinking date with the person you're hooking up with. Just don't.
19. When you experiment with bondage, make sure your partner knows exactly how to uncuff those handcuffs.
20. Put your adorable, cute, sniffling Cavalier King Charles Spaniel in another room when a hookup is over. Nothing will clam-jam (lesbian speak for "cock-block") you like your PET.
