5 Signs You And Your Partner Are Not Compatible In Bed, No Matter How Much You Love Them

I've always heard that you should never settle down with the person you had the best sex with. Best sex person isn't your soulmate. They're fun for a hookup, but they will probably break your heart several months in by doing something like ghosting you or cheating on you with their co-worker. While we aren't settling down with the best f*cks of our lives, we should at least be lustful toward our partners a little. But what if you're not? Are there signs you're not sexually compatible with your partner, despite being happy in the relationship?

I once dated a guy for almost a year whom I loved deeply, but the thought of kissing him made my skin crawl. Yeah, that was probably a red flag that our relationship was not meant to last. Usually, when I'm with someone, I crave their affection. I like hand-holding. I want to be told I'm sexy. A little perversion from a consensual partner? Bring it on. This guy, though, was different. The thought of him being aroused by me in any way disgusted me. I started to hate his hands. I hated his mouth. I faked orgasms to get sex over with.

Spoiler alert: We broke up. I truly did like him as a person (despite how this seems), but sex was actually ruining our relationship. We weren't compatible in bed at all, despite how much the other pieces of our relationship actually worked.

So here are some signs that you and your partner might not be on the same page in the sex department, no matter how much you love one another.

1. You Dread Hooking Up

Do you dread hooking up with your partner like I dreaded hooking up with my ex-boyfriend? Then that's probably a bad sign. Actually, not probably. That's definitely a bad sign.

Our partners should excite us, not repulse us. You shouldn't go home every night thinking "ugh, now I'm gonna have to get laid." Sex should be a joy, not a burden. If it's become an obligation in your relationship, then it's time to reevaluate your compatibility with your partner. You should never feel forced to have sex with someone just because you're dating them.

2. You're In Your Head The Whole Time

Does your soul literally leave your body and hover above your head while you are having sex with your significant other? Yeah, then that's not good. If you're tallying your expenses for the month or daydreaming about your Facebook crush while you are in the sack with your partner, instead of focusing on doing the deed, then you might not be in a sexually compatible relationship.

Listen, sometimes, we think of other people while we're getting off. I have dreamt of my super crush Eddie Redmayne while f*cking. (Don't judge me. I have a thing for Brits and for redheads.) But it is not normal to be fantasizing about other people or completely checking out every time you get intimate with your partner.

If you're in your head the whole time you are giving or receiving head, then it's time to think twice about whether or not your relationship is right for you.

3. You Make Excuses Not To Be Intimate

I can't, I have a headache.

Not tonight, I'm going out with my friends. 

I have to get up early tomorrow; let's just go to bed.

I have cramps. 

Let's watch Rick and Morty instead.

The list of excuses goes on and on and on. If you're going out of your way not to be intimate with your partner, then hey, what's up with that? Part of the fun of being in a relationship is that you have a best friend you get to kiss and do sex stuff with all the time. If you're avoiding all the kissing and sex stuff with your SO, then basically, you just have a best friend. And if you're lying to them, is that even a best friend at all?

As soon as we start to make excuses to get out of things with the person we are supposed to want to do all the things with, that's a major red flag in a relationship. And a couple of fake Tylenol won't get you out of that relationship headache.

4. You Don't Kiss

Not being into PDA is one thing, but never showing affection is another. If you and your partner aren't smooching or showing small signs of affection to one another throughout the day, then something is up. Do you not like how your significant other kisses? While good kissing can more or less be trained or developed, tonsil hockey compatibility is an integral part of romantic relationships. If you never get it down, your love life might go down in the dumps with it.

When it comes to training your partner how to kiss if the chemistry isn't there, be kind and patient. Teach with action, and tell your SO what feels good to you. If they're still licking your entire face with their tongue by the end of your tutorial, then it might be time to part ways.

5. You've Never Orgasmed

This can be tricky, because it's so difficult for many women to orgasm in general. Approximately 75 percent of women can't come from just regular P-in-V sex. They need some sort of external device, whether it be hand, toy, or tongue, in order to reach full climax.

But if you've never had any kind of orgasm with your partner, then that might be a red flag that you don't feel safe or emotionally comfortable with them. Commonly with females, the emotional and the physical can be intertwined when it comes to climaxing. You need to feel physically stimulated while mentally focused and emotionally satiated at the same time. It's a lot of moving parts.

So if you find that you've never been able to climax with your partner, whether it be through oral, penetration, with a sex toy, through masturbation, or whatever, then it might be an indication of a deeper incompatibility in the relationship.

Sexual compatibility is an integral part of relationships. It's one of the major things that distinguishes your significant other from your friend. If that component of your relationship is missing, then it might be time to reexamine the dynamic between you and your partner.

Don't try to force something that isn't there. And there's no reason to fake orgasms and pleasure for the duration of your relationship. Find someone you're more compatible with, and maybe move your current relationship to the friend zone where it belongs.

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