All relationships are great for the first three months. The bliss, mystery, beauty and companionship are so perfect that our naivety hinders our ability to see through the smoke and mirrors. But after a while, all of the beautiful things that kept you by her side will fade. The annoying habits that you ignored countless times will come to a head at full force.
As your furious passion fades, your own conscious is plagued by jealousy and what if questions. As if you are trying to implode, you have done it again. You self-sabotaged your own relationship with what you once though was the perfect girl.
Crying, cursing and kicking all the way through it, the months following a break up prove to be the harshest and most derailing moments of your life. Even the most successful individuals can be deduced to the shell of the person they once were when going through a rough break up. But do not fret because no matter what you are never alone. The Elite have been through it all, so they know that after the lows must always come the highs. Here are the painful steps of a breakup that we all go through:
A showing of solidarity
She was not anything special to begin with, right? Your ego will allow for you to brave these tumultuous times with an impressive show of solidarity. Although your nerves are rattled and your heart is shattered, your resilience will have you sending SMS messages to the numerous bench warmers you kept at bay over the course of your relationship. Everyone does it.
No one drives their 458 Italia through the Gumball 3000 without insurance, so neither should any man endure a relationship without having a proper depth chart for easy access when their clutch starter is let go from the roster. Are we heartless for keeping a plan-b close by? Hell no, we knew this day would come as sure as the sun rises in the morning. Each and every one of these alternative women will be beckoning to give you some long overdue comfort. Go through the gauntlet, my friend; but for God’s sake, please wear some protection.
The next four weeks are going to be insatiably taxing on your liver and credit card. There is only one way to embark on the hellacious journey of the break up: through a marathon of partying. Whether you are drowning your sorrows in overpriced Perrier-Jouet adorned with sparklers and cheap women, or simply looking to be in an environment with enough party favors to keep you from crying like a bitch, this binge is going to cost you.
Your typical vendors for expenditures will vary around strip clubs, massage parlors and back down to the clubs every night. Should you fathom attempting the alternative by waiting out your sorrows from home, you must fully understand that this is more dangerous than imbibing libations and engaging in unprotected sex with a PR veteran.
Looking through an ex’s social media profile is commensurate with watching Nascar: you are only watching in order to witness a gruesome car wreck. So you know what you are getting into when you decide to scroll through her mobile uploads: hoping for the best, but looking for the worst. You have even resulted to creating fake profiles in order to spy on potential new suitors. Yes, you are officially a psycho.
By spending time trying to decode all of her status updates you have solidified your position as being dead entrenched in your post break-up lunacy. This is usually around the time you start preparing your long, wistful text message looking to get her back, but hold back from hitting “send”. Do not give in!
What did I do before you?
When you do catch yourself asking this question, please, do yourself a favor, throw your chin a nice swift uppercut. Grow a pair of balls. You lived a long happy life before her, and you can surely do so after her.
After parsing through the droves of Bridge-and-Tunnel sexpots, and legions of pseudo-models and fashion students, you will find that special someone who you can easily set apart from your list of winners. But no matter what you tell yourself, your feelings of love, anxiousness and pain are directly transferred unto this poor unsuspecting victim.
The rebound never works out because you never learn to love a person for who they are; rather, you only love them for who they can be for you during your time of anguish. Chances are that you have elevated your standards in order to upgrade from a Spade to an Ace – there is nothing worst than having to downgrade partners. Ron Gentile, author of The Four Factors: Should You Stay, Go or Improve Your Relationship?, says one of the dumbest things you can do when a relationship ends is to:
start dating someone right away before you’ve processed the end of the previous relationship. If you don’t give yourself time to understand what went wrong and how you’ll avoid these issues in the future, you’re likely doomed to repeat them.
Digital display of affection
Emo-inspirational status updates and newly surfaced images of you at dinner with a new woman do not fool anyone. The only reason you are trying to do this is to get back at her by showing the world that you have moved on. Ron Gentile cites Internet insensitivity as among the dumbest things you could do after a break-up:
Two of my friends recently broke up after a three year relationship. Immediately (as in days) he starts to date someone new and starts posting numerous pictures of himself and his new girlfriend on Facebook. It caused his ex tremendous pain. So much so she lost 25 pounds in a few weeks. And even after his friends told him to bring it down a notch (or several notches) he continued his pixel barrage. Now that’s dumb.
Breaking like glass
After depleting your financial resources through seven day party binges, a sordid experience with a terrible rebound and an array of unfortunate sexual experiences with new names and faces, you will eventually come back to be square man. Perhaps the most demeaning step of the post break-up experience is enduring the feelings that you have mutually learned from the experience. Your self-rationalization affirms that if you approach the situation as adults then there may be a strong chance that reconciliation is on the horizon. Don’t fold, it only shows weakness.
Buying a pet
Having a pet in your life is a great thing, but right after a breakup you are likely trying to fill an emotional void with any emotional attachment. You are better off waiting until you are mentally stable before you decide that the only other creature who can understand your pain is that developmentally disabled pit bull you saw in a no-kill shelter the other day. Perhaps you should consider spending a little time looking at different kinds of pets and doing some research before making a such a rash decision.
Having sex with your ex’s friend
There’s no better way to put a nail in the coffin like sleeping with your ex’s best friend. Your sick joy in creating a major rift in their friendship will allow for you to close the book on this phase of your life. Congratulations, you’re sick. This is an easy trap to fall into, seeing as you likely spent your relationship socializing regularly with your ex’s friends – you got to know each other in a risk-free environment. So now you are face-to-face with a person who you like, know well and are attracted to. Considering these factors, ratiocination would have you asking, “Why not?”
We’ll tell you why: you already ruined one relationship this week, how about you take a deep breath before you ruin two? Believe me, that friend will still be around in a month or so. For now, it might be best to turn the page and start fresh.