The Proper Morning After Etiquette

The Proper Morning After Etiquette
Sex
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The whole act of a one-night stand is considered sleazy, so you need to make sure your post coital behavior is proper! The goal is to get your conquest out of your place immediately. NO LINGERING. If you are not having sex in the morning, there is no reason for you to be there anymore.

The number one rule of a sleepover is to always have mouthwash on hand. If this is unattainable, kissing is not an option and therefore you may not get to experience the gift of morning sex. It’s always a good thing to have a spare toothbrush lying around also.

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If you live in a rural area, the chivalrous thing to do is offer your partner a ride home. But that’s it, no breakfast and no coffee. Get that person out of your place ASAP. If you live in a city it is always nice to offer your conquest cab money. If you are a really nice guy looking to bang this girl again it is in your best interest to walk with her to get a cab.

This makes you look like a really wholesome guy even if it’s an act. Share in her walk of shame misery and she will be coming back for more. My personal favorite move is to leave while they are still sleeping. That way you can avoid any and all awkwardness the previous night was sure to entail.

I asked a few of guy friends what lines they have used to get someone out of their apartment and here are some of their successful one-liners: “Gotta go to the gym,” “Friend/parent is coming into visit,” “Brunch with a sibling,” and my favorite, “I’m really sick, run to the bathroom, and fake throw up.” If all else fails, say you need to go into the office for a few hours. The key is the explanation. The more details you give the person, the more legitimate it seems.

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NO CUDDLING, NO SPOONING, NO HAIR PLAYING. No, No, No, this gives off the complete wrong message. You do not spoon your one-night stands; you hit it and quit it. Unless this person explicitly invites you to stay for breakfast or anything of the kind, do not assume they want to hang out. Even if they offer to hang out with you, this does not mean they are genuinely interested. This could have been offered out of some sort of obligation. If they want to hang out they will make future plans with you.

The worst type of person is the lingerer. How do you get rid of someone who just won’t seem to get the hint? If you have roommates, leave you conquest in your room and go hang out with your roomies. Tell the person you will be right back and just don’t come back. They will grow increasingly awkward and restless and want to leave.

If the person who owns the apartment is out of bed, you should be following. Do not overstay your welcome. If a guy goes to take a shower while you’re still there he’s giving you an opportunity to leave. There are few things in this world more certain than that. If he really wanted you to stay he would have invited you to join him.

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If someone does not ask for your number, do not offer it. Obviously if you offer it they are going to take it as to not appear rude. Only if someone asks for it does that show true interest.

Ladies, I know guys’ clothes are comfy and all, but do not steal their sh*t. After many stolen items, I learned this lesson the hard way. They don’t like that because a) it’s their sh*t and b) if you’re going to return it, they are forced to see you again. This does not work out too well because something in the process can embarrass you, like hitting a person outside their house with your car.

Always remember your morning behavior needs to be efficient and calculated; never overstay your welcome!

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Amanda Redwood

Amanda Redwood spares no feelings. This persona deals with dating and sex in the most crass and blunt ways possible, making sure that you stay entertained as well as informed.

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