They say that every man ends up being with someone else’s sloppy seconds. Unfortunately it is 2013 and this statement cannot be any truer. Hey, it’s their vagina and they are free to use it however they want. In this world, there are two types of men: men who want to be in a relationship and men who want to live the single life. With such a weak pool of women to choose from, it gets harder and harder every year to find that one person whom you can cope with.
A man will come across many women in his lifetime. Although numbers are important, quality should always outweigh quantity. At the end of the day, do you want to be known for just having sex with random women or do you want be known as the man who gets the best quality of women? In an era where every other girl is broken, it is almost impossible to find that one pure gem. Although they do exist, the majority of your time will be spent sleeping with the broken ones.
Since it looks like things are only going to get worse from here on, we are going to have to accept some changes. However, in order to make it worth your time, we have decided to sift through the broken girls you will encounter in your lifetime, then we have ranked them on order of brokenness. Starting at the top and moving your way down, here is the ranking of the least to most broken women you will sleep with on a regular basis in your life:
Nothing screams ‘ripe fruit’ like a freshman fashion student who has just moved to the big city. Her new lifestyle includes taking meaningless classes in fashion school, while doing an internship as a PR agent assistant that involves various other menial tasks. These girls are young and innocent, but once they come to the city, it’s a different story.
They get caught up in the lights easily and are impressed by anything. As long as you have a good story and keep the champagne coming to your table, she will be sure to be in your bed the next morning. Beware as fashion students are known to hop around, so don’t ever date them as they will be sure to leave you just as fast as you took them away from the last dude they were with.
You can only imagine what happens behind the closed doors of a hot sorority. Just picture a bunch of hot girls going to a school in the middle of nowhere with as much alcohol and drugs as they want. Has there ever been an area so full of hot, horny women in one place?
We all have some crazy stories in college of the things we have seen, but let’s be honest, sorority girls aren’t the most proud girls — although at times they may play hard to get. It’s up to you to conceive all that can go on behind those closed doors.
The small town girl who left for the big city.
Just because she used to be known as the quiet girl back in her small town does not mean she kept that status when she left. Arriving in the big city all alone can be quite overwhelming and it’s difficult knowing whom to trust when you really don’t know anyone. Her legs are more likely to open, as she is susceptible to almost any story.
She’s likely to sleep with anyone who can keep a legit story without looking shady, as she has never been exposed to this much attention at one time. It’s easy for this girl to lose track, as she is far away from home and the bad decisions she makes here and there eventually lead to a long list of people she has slept with.
Aspiring Actress in LA/ Aspiring Model In NY
Unless she’s working for a top five agency, it’s safe to say that this woman has spent much of her time working for a washed up agency prancing around from event to event hoping for her big break. She spends most of her time going to after-parties with many clients and industry people who really aren’t anyone important.
Not having a good grasp of the industry makes these women vulnerable to all types of stories. As they work hard to try and make it in such a competitive industry, they will most likely sleep with anyone who they think can help them get to the top. Unfortunately for them, more times than not, guys will lie about anything just to sleep with them. Any girl that will sleep with someone for a big break is a no go. She has definitely fallen for this trap before and most likely will continue to do so until she realizes it’s time for her to pursue a real career.
The Coke Whore
This woman’s dependency on coke leads to bad memories and low standards. Waking up in random apartments with shady people is her game, as she will do anything for a quick bump or line. These women are known for their exceptional head and are down to snort coke off your dick. She’s most likely to have sex is the club bathroom, as she can do lines and get dick at the same damn time.
This woman is a mess and her life is only going to get worse until she realizes she can actually work and get her own coke, but then that would just take the fun out of the whole situation.
This girl knows how to make it worth her while. We must give her some credit, as she is at the top of her game and is usually the most beautiful woman in the room. Men drool for this type of girl and will offer her the world. If your bank account doesn’t include 7 figures, good luck with this one as she only enjoys the finer things in life.
When she is not partying it up at the hottest events, she is flying on private jets to St. Barths, Mykonos and Maldives, getting passed around by multimillionaires. This one is a tough one to settle down with, as she has been through it all and her taste level is out of your price range. After being ran through by many millionaires, she finally realizes she does have an expiration date and eventually may have to settle down for less than expected, as time goes on because the new models are ripening and about to be ready to be put through the cycle.
A Teen Mom
Have you not seen the video? Farrah Abraham killed it as if she has been through this before. Of course she has, but she has never been paid for it. I mean her vagina was flapping like a stage curtain after the end of a show. Did anyone notice the clasping of the balls or the way she looked back at it? Now we must commend this woman, as she has made it from a normal teen mom to an international sensation; however, this does not take away from the fact that she is broken.
As if having a kid before graduation isn’t enough of a deterrent, those stretch marks aren’t sexy. There is whole lot of irreversible effects that have gone on down there and unfortunately there is no hope. There are plenty of fish in the sea, no need to try and fix something that is broken beyond belief.
The 35-year-old pro/ Cougar
Although her vagina is as old as the Bible, this woman just keeps trucking. Having all the money she needs, this woman knows that she does not need a man to take care of her. She is truly independent and constantly on the prowl for that young hunk. As she does not need to be financially satisfied, this woman looks for younger men full of energy who can satisfy her old rusted vagina.
Constantly on the hunt for new models, this woman looks as if she will stay single for the remainder of her life, changing partners more times than Nascar racers change tires during a race.
This woman has been through it all. All her trials and tribulations are inscribed on the wrinkles of her face and hands. Her vagina is almost as old as Gandalf’s beard, but that doesn’t seem to stop her from getting hers. As she is newly divorced and about to receive a lump sum check from her ex-husband, she feels as if she is reborn.
Feeling like 20, but looking 50 does not stop this woman from having her fun. You can hear this woman walking from a mile away from the clapping of her vagina lips, as she has gone through multiple relationships and child births.
She is a veteran in the game who has reached the point of no return. She knows that there is no turning back for her, so it’s time to put that settlement check to good use and enjoy her time. Once her check is depleted and wasted, she will look for her next victim with no shame in her game.
NBA groupie/ Video Vixen
Woah! This girl is a complete mess and you can usually find her at the latest draft party, NBA finals celebration and Greenhouse on a Tuesday. She loves NBA players and if we know one thing about those dudes it’s that they do not cuff. They end up passing these girls around as if they are on the court playing ball. Why not?…When your buddy from another team is visiting, what better way is there to greet him than with a groupie that is DTF?
Unlike NBA groupies who never really get to see the lime light, video vixens are all in the scene. When they are not shaking their booty or looking back at it for a video, they are at the home of a rapper taking care of them in the bedroom. We all know rappers travel with a huge entourage and what’s the point of having a video vixen if your boys can’t have some either?
Photo credit: WENN
*This article was intended as a piece of satire. By no means do we categorize all women by these stereotypes, nor do we find these to be in any way objective, rather humorous. No offense intended.