How do you f*ck? Ever been stuck in the bedroom with someone who refuses to look you in the eyes or someone who won’t stop staring at you? The way you f*ck says a lot about you. It is a proven social science (I SWEAR) that the way you perform in the bedroom is indicative of your personality.
When it comes down to it, different sex positions elucidate how open you are as a person and we all know the more open you are, the better your sex will be.
Let’s get the sh*ttiest one out of the way first…
Without a doubt, you are a lackluster lover and probably should not even be engaging in sexual activity if this is the method you decide to proceed in. This person typically likes to play it safe, as this is the “standard” sex position. This can fall into one of two categories: okay boring “passionate” sex or deadfishing, dead-eyed pounding. If you choose the former, you are probably having sex with someone you actually have feelings for since this is face to face, and eye contact is most definitely involved.
This says something different about the guy and the girl involved. For the guy, this is probably the most dominant type of sex you can take part in. They like to take on the aggressive role while the girl takes on the submissive. The girl can take control back in this situation with a ball handle and a look back at it. This tends to be both men and women’s favorite position. The headboard knocking is the room saying job well done.
Girl On Top
As a guy, you would rather lie back and let the work be done for you. I mean who wouldn’t like to lie back and watch a nice pair of boobs jump up and down in front of them? This girl knows what she wants, how she wants it and isn’t afraid to take control while going after it. She is comfortable with her body and enjoys putting on a show for her man.
Men, if this is her position of choice, you got a freak on your hands — or rather your dick. Do not hesitate and do not ask questions, just lie back and enjoy the ride.
For both people, this is usually the go-to for a quickie, and in the shower — unless you can reach the sink, and it’s doggy from there on out. You want instant gratification as you get right down to it.
Congratulations, you two are boring, lazy pieces of sh*t. Why do people even engage in this position? It’s boring, there’s no range of motion and every 5 seconds, you need to readjust the angle of the dick. Psh, you can pleasure yourself way more than this position allows for. I don’t want to spoon after, what makes you think I want to spoon during the act itself?
If this is your sex act of choice, you need to grow the F up. Stop acting like you are 17. People deserve to get their oral fix with as much attention as possible. Engaging in this takes away from each person’s pleasure. Also, the girl is not trying to do a plank over your body.
This is for the adventurous, as this hole should remain a one-way street. Do it if you’re daring. You may not be about that life, but if you’re not about creating a life, this is your safest option.
*Bonus: Sex on Ambien*
This is a wild card. Pop one of these f*ckers, try to stay awake and see what happens.