The 6 Signs The Guy You Matched With On A Dating App Is Probably A Serial Killer
If we all know anything other than the fact that dating is hard AF, it’s that we all fear the person we match with on a dating app could be a serial killer.
I know, I know. That sounds kind of outrageous, but hear me out: You know virtually nothing about this person, other than what they tell you. And I don’t think I need to tell anyone twice that psychopaths are the best liars. (Seriously, have you ever dated one?)
I will say the chances of you ACTUALLY matching with a serial killer are pretty slim, so you can wipe off the sweat that just started pouring from your face.
BUT because you can never be too safe, here are the six signs the guy you just matched with is PROBABLY a serial killer… and if he’s not, then he’s still creepy as hell:
1. He keeps messaging you with weird codes and riddles.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news here, but if any guy messages you with questionable symbols or riddles and then ghosts you for a while until he’s back with another weird-ass riddle, he’s probably a serial killer.
It’s likely he’s taken a page out of The Zodiac Killer’s book, as this dude used to send cryptic messages to newspapers to taunt law enforcement who were trying to catch him.
Now, weird emoji combinations don’t necessarily count here… unless those emojis are, like, knives, skulls, weapons and coffins. Then, I might be a little afraid.
2. He’s got WAY too much going for him, but he still manages to make you feel bad for him.
I’m definitely not saying all successful, attractive men are serial killers.
I’m just saying that if all of his attributes seem too good to be true, and then, he hits you with that one sob story that tugs at your heartstrings (and he’s also still hung up on his ex-girlfriend), TURN AROUND AND DON’T LOOK BACK.
Ted Bundy — the infamous killer himself — used the same exact tactic. He was a pretty successful dude all-around and would use his charm or fake ailments to lure in his victims.
Obviously, use your best judgment. But if your judgment says to go along with the successful lawyer who’s inviting you into a back alley as your first date to help him move because he has a bad leg, then I honestly can’t help you.
3. He’s strangely obsessed with your bodily functions and organs.
If the dude you matched with is down to compliment your liver before he compliments your eyes, he’s suspicious AF.
Also, if his eyes only ever light up when you’re talking about becoming an organ donor or the fact that you’re thinking about donating your body to science and he says he’s into prostitution role play, he’s giving off some serious “Jack The Ripper” vibes.
The serial killer, also known as “The Whitechapel Murderer,” was notorious in London for the brutal murders of prostitutes in East London. Because he horrendously removed their internal organs, many experts believe the guy might’ve had a medical background.
So be careful, and make sure any liver compliments are only in relation to how much alcohol you can drink without dying.
4. He says cannibalism is “not as bad as everyone thinks.”
Look, no matter how convincing this dude’s reasoning is, cannibalism is really fucking bad.
If your dating app match won’t stop asking you a bunch of questions like “would you eat your friend as a last resort?” and doesn’t take the constant hints you’re giving him that this is weird AF, then this guy’s on some Hannibal Lecter type of shit.
SURE, Hannibal Lecter is technically a fictional person, but last time I checked, Jeffrey Dahmer, a serial killer assumed to have literally eaten parts of his victims after murdering them, was a real dude.
Long story short: Cannibalism IS as bad as everyone thinks. So maybe un-match with this guy.
5. He knows about your whole life before you tell him anything about you.
Now, I know we live in an age where we’re compelled to post something every time we take a damn shit, but you have to admit this is pretty creepy regardless.
If you’re talking to a guy, and he knows your entire life history AND the fact that you went to your Aunt Carol’s house last weekend, where she cooked that nasty green bean casserole you hate, and you’ve never told him any of this, delete Tinder and flee the country.
Plus, this guy’s a double whammy if you notice you have significantly less underwear than you had before talking to him.
The BTK murderer, Dennis Rader, was known for stalking his victims and had a thing for their underwear. So if you think you’ve found yourself a guy like him, lock your doors and your underwear drawers.
6. He brings you to places that blast the AC, but he doesn’t offer you his jacket when you get cold.
I’m definitely not accusing all members of the Mafia of being cold-blooded serial killers.
I’m just saying, if your match never talks about what his actual job is, and then, he disappears for hours because he had to “take care of some business,” and THEN, people start turning up dead, he’s sketchy AF.
He might’ve taken a cue from Richard Kuklinski, otherwise known as The Iceman. Kuklinski was essentially a contract killer for members of the American Mafia, murdering anyone who might rat him out and freezing his victims to fuck with the time of death.
So if this guy is bringing you to a bunch of literally freezing places, but he’s not offering you his coat, be careful. You might be next.
Again, the chances of anyone you match with ACTUALLY being a murderer are low, so please do NOT let this dull your dating app lust. Just know ~the signs~… and the serial killers.
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