Single, 25 And Not Knocked Up

As we enter into that phase of life where people around us are having babies -- on purpose -- as a planned out decision, not a 16 and pregnant type situation, we are thrilled for these decision makers, I’m always looking for an excuse to buy baby Converse, they are just so cute.

As a couple they have decided they are at a point where they are old and mature enough to teach a child to read, coach a kid through adolescence, drive them to and from soccer practice and throw theme parties that don’t give its participants an excuse to dress like a slut.

As a couple they have decided that together their genes should combine to create human life and it’s time to break out the chalkboard paint and put that Pinterest “Baby Things” board to use!

They have selflessly decided to put their party on hold for the next 18-30 years (depending on if the child gets a liberal arts degree) to raise a contributing member of society (again dependent on if that kid ends up “Occupying” whatever it is 20-somethings are occupying as the “movement” of their generation.)

Which of course is an excuse to extend mom and dad paying rent while you sit around and ponder questions like: “how to overturn the man” while wearing a Marc Jacobs cross body purse.

Ask dad, who either is the man or works for the man, how he pays for your “artsy” studio loft in the West Village as you “find yourself”...isn’t that what college was for? Who am I to judge, I write freelance articles on a MacBook. Back to babies, the amount of pure joy that a newborn baby bestows upon a couple is unparalleled.

For those of us who are still reaping the benefits of free birth control (yeah Obama! -- Hoes for Barry O), isn’t there something to be said for being 25, single, without STDs and also not a Baby Mama?

I mean, one could argue it takes more responsibility not to get pregnant than it does to get pregnant: Plan B, condoms, birth control, abstinence, etc. Just ask Janelle, or anyone with a hyphenated name that ends in Lynn, who was pre-destined to be a cast member of 16 and Pregnant the day that hyphen was thrown in there.

How many times have you swallowed -- I’m talking about your pride, get your mind out of the gutter -- and mumbled to the CVS pharmacist in hopes that she will be able to judge by the look of shame in your eye and the fact that you wouldn’t choose to wear a sheer black top with lacy bra to CVS on a Saturday morning, that you just need some fucking Plan B.

This look conveys a mutual understanding of “no need to repeat what I’m getting for the line behind me to hear, the heels in my hand confirm that, just charge $50 to my emergency credit card and we’ll call it a day.” This is a situation where the term “if looks could kill” takes a literal meaning for far right “life begins at conception” repubs.

Hear me out. At 25 there are a lot of things a girl needs -- and giving loved ones (even if we’re only work colleagues) an itemized list of shit might be helpful, who wants to spend money on an ironing board?

From what I gather, if you throw “shower” on the end of your party theme you can provide guests with said list. Guests then buy these items, as it’s a faux pas to get crafty -- I mean you can get crafty and detour from the list, just make sure to bring that gift in addition to the list gift.

About two hours are reserved for the guest of honor to “open the gifts” at the shower, which I don’t fully understand why such a portion of time is dedicated to someone opening gifts that we all saw on the list prior to attending; furthermore I don't think the act of “surprise” is necessary. What is the surprise, you created the list, “how did I know?”

I knew because you gave me a precise list with item numbers, iPhone App and nearest store locations as to where I could buy the gift. Everyone in the room knows exactly what is in those boxes, the only surprise is the order they are unwrapped “Is it the mixer or the toaster…I just don’t know omg, so exciting,” I haven’t been this jazzed since watching bread rise.

At my shower we can just bring the gifts unwrapped and use that time for, I don’t know, perhaps a drinking game...or old fashioned karaoke sesh.

There are so many reasons to celebrate un-pregnancy, which at this point, I see as a favor to mankind -- and therefore cause for celebration. Parenting to me: I set an alarm for 3:30AM to make sure I wake up from my drunken sleep when my Pad Thai is delivered, you see, the doorbell might wake the baby.

Budgeting is no easy feat, who has room for nonsense like a William Sonoma convention oven when... “like omg, how do I budget for Gov Ball, Ultra, new kicks with studs on them, dinner and drinks, Coachella and that Bachelorette Party?” With all the expenses that come with being young, some things, such as an updated toaster get neglected.

So all I’m saying is “Let a Girl Live Shower”...We’re celebrating the fact we’re not bringing life prematurely into this world, not having any STDs and starting the post college chapter. I’ll register at Duane Reade, with TicketMaster (I support the arts), my local bars, Trader Joe’s, NYC Taxi Companies, Equinox (What? I go to the gym for the social aspect -- great place to meet bros who might have their shit together) and Forever 21.

Cady Jackson | Elite.