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41 Thoughts You Have While Out With Your Crush On St. Paddy's Day If You Hate Beer

Nothing like a good ol' fashioned holiday to set unrealistic party expectations, get shit-faced and consume a variety of crappy food full of synthetic food coloring.

St. Patrick's Day, you crazy.

For loads of millennials, tonight is going to be full of binge drinking, binge eating and (fingers crossed) maybe some binge flirting at the bar with your crush.

However, if drinking beers on beers and feeling like someone shoved a loaf of bread down your throat after putting it into a food processor is NOT your thing, you might be in the unfortunate position of pretending you love PBRs to ensure cozy time with your boo. You're LITERALLY swallowing your pride.

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Here is what it's like to ride the emotional roller coaster of drinking with your crush on St. Paddy's Day and hating beer.

1. Tonight is going to be great. I can't wait to see Boy.

2. OK, this is a shitty bar. Guess I'll just get a really fruity beer. “One fruity beer please!”

3. God DAMN IT! This does not taste good.

4. He's so cute though. Look how stinking cute he is. Drink for how cute he is.

5. Ew. He has some beer flecks on his beard.

6. Ignore it! We're having fun! Beer beer beer! I love beer!

7. Green is just, like, NOT anyone's color, is it?

8. Is anyone else's beer warm? My beer is warm.

9. “Scuse me, do you have any liquor or wine behind the bar?”

10. “OK, sure. One Jameson shot.”

11. “WOOO, WE'RE DOING SHOTS EVERYBODY!”

12. “Just me then? OK.”

13. What is he talking about? God, his breath smells like a foot.

14. Maybe if I just drop these orange slices into this Guinness that will help.

15. Wow, that did not help.

16. Focus on Boy. What is Boy saying? We're having fun because we love Boy.

17. Did he just burp? AM I SMELLING HIS BEER BURP?

18. “Scuse me, may I have another shot?”

19. OK, now that party is kicking. We're all having a good time, everything smells like a homeless man's pee, but we're all having a good time.

20. I wonder if we'll kiss tonight?

21. CAN HE PLEASE GET THAT BEER FOAM OFF OF HIS BEARD?

22. Better take another shot.

23. Guess I'll go pee now.

24. WHY IS THE LINE FOR THE BATHROOM A MILLION YEARS LONG? Better bring my miserable beer to chug in line.

25. Chug. Chug. Chug. Chug.

26. More shots. We're all doing shots! Shots, shots, shots.

27. Lolz he's so funny, like, wut is he even saying?

28. “Yur funny. I love beer.”

29. HELL YES, I'll do a jägerbomb. Now we're talking.

30. Holy shit, jägerbombs are nasty.

31. Oh well, “Drinks on me everybody! WOOOO!”

32. Better dance on this table, right?

33. Better take my top off, right?

34. BEER!!!! This is for YOUUUU, Boy!

35. WOW, I'm going to barf.

36. Wait, do NOT barf, otherwise you can't kiss Boy at midnight… wait a second…

37. “You wanna, like, get out of here?”

38. “No? LOL, me neither just kidding.”

39. FUCK. I hate beer.

40. This sucks.

41. “One more shot plz..”

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Jamie LeeLo

Editor

Jamie LeeLo is a comedian, writer & bull dog enthusiast. She hosts her own talk show, Brunch Night!, currently performing at Caroline's on Broadway. She spends most of her time hanging out on the street waiting for ice cream and taco trucks ...
Jamie LeeLo is a comedian, writer & bull dog enthusiast. She hosts her own talk show, Brunch Night!, currently performing at Caroline's on Broadway. She spends most of her time hanging out on the street waiting for ice cream and taco trucks ...

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