How To Train Your Man

How To Train Your Man
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This may sound demeaning and a bit harsh; so I don’t want you thinking I’m referring to all men as dogs. They are more like loveable puppies that need simple potty training. No matter how crass the methodology may be, the end results will likely perpetuate the making of the perfect relationship that will make all of your friends jealous.

As per usual I should say that not all men are inconsiderate assholes that need direction; but based on the constant estrogen fueled bitching all over the world, I’ll say that yours probably is. So, for arguments sake, I’ve complied the necessary measures every woman needs to take to train her mutt into a pure bred.

Before I get into the methods of training, it is important to mention that in order to successfully train your man he must never find out that you are training him. This is crucial because if he finds out, not only will it threaten your project, but it will also threaten your entire relationship.

Below are the methods of properly training your man:

Holding Out:

As some really smart guy (who I can’t remember the name of) once said, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Meaning, every time your man fucks up, he should experience some form of punishment. Since beating the shit out of someone is illegal in this country, I’ve concluded a different and somewhat more effective solution. What better punishment is there for a man than withholding sex? I’m not telling you to use sex as a weapon … actually, yes I am.

Although drastic, not putting out will condition him to never repeat the same mistake twice, or at least repeat it far less. Yelling at him can be a temporary solution, but he’ll never actually understand the repercussions of his actions unless he feels truly deprived. Also, if you are feeling a little deprived and think you can’t hold out any longer, go invest in a pocket rocket.

Living Space:

This one is for the girls who are living with their man. Men are gross, we all know this; but in reality, they like things clean and neat just like we do. The difference is that they don’t want to lift a finger to do anything about it. So, I’m going to let you in on a secret that my mother taught me ages ago.

If you see that your man is lazy and doesn’t want to help out around the house (doing dishes, vacuuming, etc.) sit your ass down and let the house go to complete shit. Yes, it will drive you up a wall looking at the mess, but it will do the same to him. As the dishes pile up and dust collects, start mentioning how tried you are from work, or don’t feel well, or whatever other bullshit you can come up with. One of two things will happen; he will either get his ass up and start cleaning or he’ll hire someone to do it for him. Either way, you win. Repeat behavior as needed.

Lack of Romance:

When you feel that your man is lacking the romance gene, there are a few things you can do to spark the fuse. It’s a biological fact that men are competitive and all strive to be the alpha male. It’s also known that men, like dogs, aim to please. When you use these two together they can pretty much sway him to do anything.

Scenario: “Oh my god babe, you’d never believe how sweet [insert name here] boyfriend is. He did [insert action here] for her.” Most women will compare their man to other men when they are mad to try to provide a point; this will only get your man angry. However, if you compare him to other men in a neutral environment, it will spark his competitive nature and get him thinking how he can outdo the other man that you think is “sweet”.

Rewards are just as important:

Experience has taught women that men will always, without question do stupid shit. So in those scarce instances that men do amazing things, we often don’t comment on it in the fear of driving the behavior away. Therefore, we often forget that some of the most important training comes from praising him from time to time.

Not all training needs to be handled with punishment. If your man does something nice for you, and treats you well, don’t forget to reward him for it. Nothing has the power of influence quite like boosting a man’s ego. By rewarding him it will reinforce his behavior and likely make it a constant occurrence. Remember ladies, nothing says thank you like a steak and blowjob.

Sucks in the sack:

I probably shouldn’t go there, but I’m going to go there. It’s such a goddam shame when a man is perfect everywhere except for where it actually matters; your vagina. It’s an even bigger shame when he has the equipment but doesn’t know how to use it. Don’t get discouraged, darling; there’s a way to fix this hot mess as well.

Think of it this way: no trainer expects their animal to behave properly without training them to do so, right? So, if your man isn’t great it in bed, just teach him how by telling him what you want. The mistake many women make is just faking it and pretending everything is okay in fear of scaring their man away. On the contrary my dear, like I said, men aim to please. So, if you tell him (in a nice way) that what he’s doing isn’t working, there’s a 100% chance that he’ll do everything in his power to make you happy; and by happy I mean orgasm.

Closing thoughts:

I’m going to tell you all a little secret. Nobody’s perfect, including you. So rather than jump the gun and discard a man for his lack of perfection, take the time out to train him into becoming the man you want him to be. Also, if he is perfect, that usually means the bitch he was with before you did all the work (and that’s not a good thing either).

Gayana Sark | Elite. 

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Gayana Sarkisova

A 20-something New Yorker who loves all black everything, sunglasses and the occasional glass (read: bottle) of wine. Has a bunch of fancy degrees from a bunch of fancy schools that she'll never use because it's a bloggers world and everyone else just lives in it. Self-proclaimed steak aficionado, chick flick enthusiast, advice giver and sarcastic commentator.

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