One of my readers told me about this new guy she was seeing. They have been dating for a few months and everything was amazing in the beginning. He seemed to be very interested in her, constantly texting things like “I miss you” and “I can’t wait to see you.” He even told her that he “never liked a girl so much” on just the second date.
After only a few months, his behavior started to shift; he started to act really shady, act really distant, canceling on her last minute, which confused her a lot. She initially believed that he wanted to end it, but from time to time, the guy would text her sweet things, saying that he really wants to see her, he’s constantly thinking about her, etc. The guy is obviously interested, but she wanted to know the reason behind his shifting behavior.
Basically, the guy seems like he’s starting to pull away, but is not actually doing that; in fact, he’s displaying very random behavior. This is actually quite normal with many men, and this article is going to focus on why this is happening and what you, as women, can do about it.
Why Do Some Men Act This Way?
Unfortunately, when a guy says things like “I’ve never liked a girl so much” after only a few dates, or he texts you saying he misses you when you barely know each other, he doesn’t really mean it. Yes, he does feel something, but it’s not “missing you” that he’s feeling.
Those statements are actually rooted in his own insecurity. As hard as that may be to believe, it’s actually true. In the beginning stages, guys generally try to feel out how much a particular girl likes them.
For example, if a guy tells you “I like you sooo much,” or anything closely related during the early stages, all he’s trying to do is see how you’ll react. More specifically, he’s trying to find out if you feel the same way. This doesn’t mean that he isn’t interested in you, nor does it mean that he doesn’t like you, but rather, he’s just trying to find out how much YOU’RE actually interested in him.
If you answer with “Oh my god really? I really like you too” and get all excited about this, he will know that you’re actually really into him. If you get freaked out and look at him like he’s a stalker, he’ll know that more work is needed to win your heart.
Basically, the more insecure the guy is about you liking him, the more he’s going to do things like this until he’s convinced that you actually like him a lot. Only after this point will he actually start to be himself. Have a look at the article “How Men Fall In Love” to get a sense of his entire falling in love behavior.
All a guy wants to do in the beginning is make you like him. The fact that he’s texting you sweet mushy things and being really attentive is just his way of hooking you in and not really him expressing his genuine feelings.
Again, this doesn’t mean that he isn’t into you, or that he will never feel anything for you; it just means that in the early stages, it’s all an act to get you to like him. Things will become real when both of you are convinced that you like each other and you both “drop the mask” and start acting like your true selves.
So, Why Does His Behavior Shift?
It’s at this point that the guy realizes that you are into him; he realizes that he has you and doesn’t actually have to try anymore. This is also the point in which you’re both starting to become more comfortable, making plans regularly, talking more frequently and a relationship seems to be very probable in the immediate future.
By the time you’re starting to get excited about this prospect, the guy you’re dating is probably starting to freak out. It’s at this point that he feels scared that everything that he told you in the beginning has lead you to believe that the two of you are now actually a couple. Because of this “fear,” he starts acting differently in order to show you that this is not the case. He starts to cancel plans, goes missing for days, and acts distant.
It’s that same sense of insecurity that made him obsessed about finding out if you like him; it’s now scaring him into thinking that you’re going to “take away his freedom.” This is a guy thing, an insecure guy’s thing. Many men might be completely faithful to you in every way, but they still want to feel as if they can do whatever they want.
This is nothing more than a way for him to show you that you two are not yet an official couple, and that’s why he acts this way. This does not mean that he doesn’t like you anymore, or that he doesn’t want to be with you anymore. Actually, those random “sweet” texts that you get are his way of showing that he’s still interested; however, his entire behavior is just his way of slowing things down.
This is quite an effective testing/defense mechanism, which can help men decide if the relationship will last or not. If you start nagging him, stressing him, demanding things from him (texting him saying “Why didn’t you call,” “Why are you so shady,” etc.), he will feel trapped and will start to pull away. He will stop seeing you as the prize he was trying to win, and more as the desperate, available and needy girl that keeps texting him. As you probably know already, neediness is one of the biggest turn offs for men.
What Can You Do About This?
Just play it cool. Don’t expect anything and don’t jump the gun as many other girls do at this stage, when they consider themselves this guy’s girlfriend before anything becomes official.
In this scenario, you need to remember that you’re not his girlfriend until you’re his girlfriend. Generally speaking, I think that everyone (girls and guys) gets way too carried away with titles and what role they feel the other person should be playing. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket with a guy early on in a relationship. Focus on just having a great time together when you’re together and when you’re not, let him come to you.
Remember, a guy is only as invested in you as the effort he puts into the relationship. If he’s not putting in effort, he’s not investing in the relationship. So don’t try to push him to do anything – live your life and give him the space to come to you. If he does, great; he’s further invested in you. If he doesn’t, well…there are more fish in the sea. Either way, that’s much better than pushing on him, him pulling away, and you smothering the life out of the relationship!
You can’t force a guy into a relationship. Remember to play it cool, live your life, and just have fun with this guy instead of analyzing every minute of everything. This way, the relationship can develop organically and your guy won’t feel like he’s being pressured into anything.
This is the sort of stuff I discuss on my blog and in the free eBook I give out. If you want to increase your love life’s success, visit TheSingleWomanGuide.com – a place where the conventional “dating mindset” is thrown out the window in favor of more direct and fruitful methods of meeting, attracting and keeping a quality man in your life.
Top Photo Courtesy: Universal Studios Entertainment