Why I Can’t Be Your Mr. Big

Why I Can’t Be Your Mr. Big
Ladies
Like Us On Facebook
Like Us On Facebook

I love Sex and the City. It reminds me of my little web series, Sex, Shoes and Unicorns. But sorry, I can’t be your Mr. Big. Why? I have ten good reasons why. Now, where should I start?

Reason # 1: I can’t be your Mr. Big because, well.. because you’re not Carrie and this isn’t a television show. Let’s face it, Carrie is hot. She dresses well, her makeup is flawless and she’s got great legs.

Equally important is the fact that I’m not a millionaire like Mr. Big. Well…I’m sort of lying to you. See, it’s really not that superficial. It’s deeper than that. See, the behavior that you believe is quirky comes across as drama. It’s not cute.

Why I Can't Be Your Mr. Big

And the lines you recite from the television show over and over again have started to bore the shit out of me. Don’t get me wrong, I do love you. But life isn’t a television show and I haven’t the necessary bank account to fly to Paris to save you (once again) from another bad relationship, post me.

I’m sure you don’t believe me, but it’s true. I do love you. But if you want me to be Mr. Big, as least try to be like Carrie — get a job. Pay your own way. Hey, Carrie buys her own Manolo Blahnik’s and Jimmy Choo’s.

Each time we start to get closer and have “the talk” about a long term relationship, the things that come out of your mouth all have to do with a new and sudden fiscal responsibility I have.

Why I Can't Be Your Mr. Big

I’m sorry, was paying your rent a part of the package? Did I unconsciously agree to fund your manicure/pedicures for the rest of my life? I’m sure I didn’t sign up for that.

I know, I know, I know. You’re looking for that all-consuming, inconvenient, gotta have you love. So am I. I think the difference is, I know I have to work for it, and I’m prepared to do just that.

Are you certain you’re ready to put in the effort on your part to get what you need? Love is a two-way street. I’m not concerned about your ability to recognize and explain to me what I need to do. What concerns me is, do you know what you need to do?

Why I Can't Be Your Mr. Big

Furthermore, and quite frankly, I’m tired of getting dumped by you. The roller coaster, up and down syndrome we’ve been caught up in is ridiculous. You love me. You love me not. You love me. You love me not.

Oh, and the old boyfriend who you’ve kept in the wings? I know about him, too. I didn’t know at first but I don’t remain stupid and clueless for long. You let him hang around, sniffing around, until you finally made up your mind. No, please don’t try to deny it. It’s true.

Yes, I agree…I was mixed up in some pretty confusing sh*t myself and it deeply affected you. I did that. I confess to that. And I am sorry for that. But you never had to wonder if I had something on the side. If you did wonder it was because of some f–ked up emotional baggage you had that preceded me.

Why I Can't Be Your Mr. Big

I didn’t have a Plan B. You were my one and only plan. Even if things got f–ked up (which they did), you were it. But you had that old boyfriend on a short leash, standing their like a d*ck-in-a-box. “Break glass, pull d*ck, welcome new boyfriend.”

I know you feel as thought I neglected you because I never took you any place (and that’s a lie but we’ll go with the lie for the sake of expediting this disagreement). You knew when we met that I wasn’t a dancing fool. I don’t do clubs. I’m over forty, sweetie.

I have no intention of being the old guy at the club! We couldn’t hang out with your friends because they didn’t like me, and you always felt uncomfortable around my friends. So we did the DVD thing. We did picnics, which I thought were romantic.

I rented movies that I only wanted to watch with you. But it wasn’t like I would never take you out. Ever. Such an assumption would be completely wrong.

Why I Can't Be Your Mr. Big

But the thing that sticks out the most: Carrie knows what she wants, and even if she doesn’t know what she wants, she at least knows that. Does that make sense? When Carrie knew what she wanted, she did something special: she said it. She didn’t mime it. She didn’t call in a Tarot card reader.

She didn’t use smoke & mirrors or hand signals. She didn’t write a cryptic note. She didn’t ask a friend to interpret. She didn’t expect the man to guess or absorb through osmosis. She just said it.

Why I Can't Be Your Mr. Big

For someone who can get really pissed off because I didn’t do a certain thing, you sure did wimp out when it came time to ask for exactly what you wanted. Why? What’s up with that? Isn’t asking the best way to get what you want?

That’s why I cannot be your Mr. Big. Sorry.

Angelo Bell | Elite. 

Share Tweet
React
Like Us On Facebook
Like Us On Facebook

Serge Efap

Serge Efap is the Operations Coordinator at Elite Daily, the leading online voice for Generation-Y and Millennials. The former fratstar turned self-proclaimed Renaissance Man hails from New York City. Growing up quickly, he learned that if you want something, you have to go get it for yourself. When he's not reminiscing about the glory days, you can find him searching for the next big thing.

More In Ladies

Ladies Lily Rouff

#Soloteam: 5 Ever-Evolving Stages Of Being A 20-Something Single Woman

Dad is screen-shotting your Instagrams. He’s going to create an online dating profile for you. Do you prefer OkCupid or JDate? I received this text while sitting solo through previews at the movies last night. With that, I officially became a specialist on single females. There are many assumptions around the 20-something single female: She’s […]

Ladies Taylor Kelly

7 Reasons Why Men With Sisters Make Some Of The Best Boyfriends

Ladies, we’re all aware there is a certain unofficial rulebook we have for judging men. Even though we may not have written down all of the criteria, it exists in the clouds, somewhere up there. The scale includes looks, personality, wealth, sense of humor, likeability… the list could go on forever. Although we try to […]

Ladies Charlotte Phillips

10 Ways To Actually Lose A Guy In 10 Days

We’ve all seen the movie, in which Andie Anderson (Kate Hudson) manages to attract, repel and then attract Benjamin Barry aka Benny Boo Boo aka Matthew McConaughey, all over again. Had there not been an elaborate double-bet plot line, it’s highly unlikely that she would ever have been able to get the guy, after suffocating […]

Also On Elite

Politics

4 Reasons To Be Thankful For Israel, A Country That Leads By Example

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not reflect the official position of Elite Daily Dear Israel, Thank you — really, thank you. I’m sure many people and countries have thanked you before, but for what? Finances? Military assistance? Bar Rafaeli? Well, I’m sure all of the […]

World

Curious Kitten Befriends Bottlenose Dolphin During Cutest Encounter Ever (Video)

Another unlikely friendship has formed, and this time it’s between a cat and a dolphin. This video from Theater of the Sea in Islamorada, Florida — one of the oldest marine animal parks in the world — shows Arthur the kitty nuzzling an Atlantic bottlenose dolphin. Arthur is seen carefully leaning over the edge of a […]

Motivation

Two Sides of F.E.A.R.: Forget Everything And Run Or Face Everything And Rise

We are animals – nothing more. Like all animals, we evolved over the years, adapting to our surroundings and circumstances. We developed skills and physical traits that would allow us to survive, to guarantee longevity for our species. I understand that you believe yourself to be special – just about every human being does. And […]

World

Finally, A Scientific Explanation For Why We Can’t Remember Being Babies

There’s a reason you have no memory of being a baby. Your parents have all these photos of you hanging out naked in a sink bathtub and wearing silly baby hats, but you have no recollection of the embarrassment your undeveloped brain may have felt. New research in the Science journal demonstrated that new cells forming in your young […]