With the emergence of AMC’s Breaking Bad, we’ve come to find that Malcolm In The Middle’s Bryan Cranston is one bad motherfucker. We haven’t been so happy to see someone convert to the dark side since The Rock first decided to raise the eyebrow. The underlying theme of a father hell bent on becoming a king pin is oddly approachable to a wide audience.
Considering it is a drug infamous for its use amongst our white trash brethren from middle America and the south, we had no clue that the process of cooking meth required such an intensive chemistry and science background. While none of us will ever attempt to cook meth, we can ascertain some very valuable lessons from Walt White’s insistence on reaching success.
Here are some lessons from this season’s Breaking Bad that we can all learn from:
1. Walking into a convenience store naked is a great way to get out of things
Trying to get out of that work function you’ve been dreading? Not feeling ready to hit the beach this weekend? Just walk into a convenience store naked. People will commit you to a hospital, run some tests on you, and declare that you were in a fugue state.
You can confide in your hospital ordered psychologist that you were actually just faking it, and then be released. Yeah, people will be worried that you went naked in public and don’t remember why you did it, but most importantly, you got out of going wherever you were trying to avoid. Kudos.
2. The best way to keep your son in the dark is to shove breakfast down his throat
Walter is a meth kingpin and a murderer. Skyler is cooking a company’s books and having an affair with her boss. And their son Walter Junior? He thinks he has the best family around. Why, you ask? How could a young adult be so ignorant?
The answer: pancakes. His parents smother this kid with waffles, pancakes, raisin bran, bacon, and eggs so often that it is all he can focus on. This kid’s life revolves around the first meal of the day. So if you have any secrets you’d rather your kids not know about, go buy some pancake mix. You won’t regret it.
3. People can poison you with a drink–even if they drink from the same bottle.
Generally, if someone offers you a drink from a bottle they have had a drink from as well, you feel confident that they didn’t poison you. Sorry, but this is not always the case. As evidenced by the massacre of the Mexican cartel via a bottle of tequila that Gus also drank from, there’s nothing a little bulimia can’t fix.
Gus took a shot of the poison, excused himself to go to the bathroom and have a little two-finger dessert, and voila: adios cartel. Warning: you should probably have a hospital staff on standby, ‘Cause, you know, you just poisoned yourself a little bit.
4. If you think someone’s a cop… he probably is.
So you’re sitting on a park bench about to do some illegal meth dealing, when a normal looking guy walks over. You’re suspicious that he’s in law enforcement, but he swears he’s not a cop and asks for a tenth of meth.
This is what happened to Beaver- and because he thought the guy swearing he wasn’t a cop made it official that he wasn’t a cop, and even though there were mysterious trucks everywhere, he sold the guy some meth. And then he got arrested. So trust your instincts guys. If someone looks like a cop, he probably is.
5. Have a shady lawyer in your back pocket
If you’re doing something illegal, don’t go at it alone: get a crooked and corrupt lawyer involved. Some signs that a lawyer is shady include his office being in a shopping center, a fake statue of liberty above his storefront, cheesy commercials all over television, and a greasy comb over. They’ll keep you out of jail, help you launder your money, and find people to go to prison for you.
6. Don’t buy your kid a bicycle
Combo was dealing meth and minding his own business when he told a kid circling him on a bike to scram. Then, the kid suddenly shot him. Drug dealers used this child, and his bicycle, as a juvenile killing machine. Also, your kid could be riding his bike in the desert looking for spiders, accidentally witness a freight train heist, and get shot. The takeaway from all of this is that bicycles lead to bad things and people getting shot.
7. Don’t leave the key in the ignition
If someone asks you to move your keys away from the meth equipment, don’t leave them in the ignition. Jesse thought that because the light didn’t turn on the trailer battery wasn’t being drained, but then he and Walter were stuck in the desert for four days. While this made for a brilliant episode, most people cannot design a makeshift battery out of sponges, so keep your keys out of the ignition unless you’re driving.
8. If a set of twins dresses the same after the age of seven they probably want to kill you
When you see a set of twins dressed identical at the age of seven, it’s adorable. But when you see a set of twins dressed identical in their forties, it’s downright creepy. Not only is it creepy, but they are also probably crazy murderers who will sneak into your house and try to kill you. They may even try to kill your brother in law. Steer clear of people like this.
9. Don’t smoke a random cigarette, it could be ricin
You’re a young kid, you’re home alone, and you spot a box of cigarettes on the counter. You might feel the urge to smoke one… don’t. One of the cigarettes could be holding a deadly substance called ricin that will slowly and painfully kill you. Also, don’t smoke a cigarette you find hidden in an outlet in your home. That is also probably a ricin cigarette.
10. If you want something done, do it yourself
If there is anything to take away from Breaking Bad, it is to not trust anyone and that if you really want something done, you must do it yourself. Even if it means poisoning an innocent child with a Lilly of the Valley plant. Or blowing up a retirement home. Or building a magnet to infiltrate DEA headquarters. You get the point.
Lacey Kaplan | Elite.