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14 Hilarious Selina Meyer Quotes From ‘Veep’ That Will Make You Say ‘Same’

The Golden Globes are two days away and most of us are maniacally binge-watching our way to awards season relevance.

It’s exhausting. It’s frustrating. It’s beginning to feel pretty joyless.

Luckily for your angry ass, one GG nominee is the perfect mouthpiece for your rage.

As Selina Meyer on HBO’s “Veep,” Julia Louis-Dreyfus not only earned herself a nomination for this year’s Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series – Musical or Comedy category, but supplied us with five seasons of scathing reactions to every infuriating situation.

Dan: I was trying to use Jonah for intelligence!
Selina: That’s like trying to use a croissant as a fucking dildo!
Dan: I thought—
Selina: No, no, let me be more clear: It doesn’t do the job and it makes a fucking MESS. Get out of my office.


Jonah: White House is in the house. Everybody say way-o!
Selina: The skyscraper of shit has arrived.


Mike: Ma’am, Martin Collins, the secret service guy we reassigned, he’s back. He’s been un-reassigned.
Selina: Are you kidding me?
Mike: Not great, admittedly.
Selina: “Not great, admittedly”? Yeah, that should be the title of my fucking memoir.


Gary: OK, I got coffee, I got ginseng, I got protein bars. You want some of those?
Selina: No.
Gary: No?
Selina: I need that stuff that junkies use. You know, when it takes a cop 15 bullets to put him down.


Selina: OK, so they want me to go to a pig roast to meet a bunch of men who probably took turns to fuck the pig before they roasted it?


Sue: Congressman Furlong called and he’d like some face time.
Selina: OK, well, let’s see: I’d rather set fire to my vulva, so that’s a no.


Gary: These flowers came for you from Secretary of Defense Maddox.
Selina: Oh, let’s see. “Good luck with your Fun Run. Try not to swear when the starter pistol goes off.”
Dan: Come on.
Selina: He’s just a varicose dick vein. I can’t stand that guy.


Selina: Jonah. Hey, listen, settle something for me.
Jonah: OK.
Selina: You like to have sex and you like to travel?
Jonah: Yes, ma’am.
Selina: Then you can fuck off.


Minna Häkkinen: I would like you to understand that in my country, politics is a lot more honest.
Selina: In your country, people fuck snow. And I hope you understand that I say that with the utmost respect.


Selina: I came in third, Amy, OK? Even the Nazis came in second.


Amy: And every day, you have to do the one thing that O’Brien can’t do.
Selina: Yeah, drive sober.


Selina: Catherine and Marjorie, can you gals go outside and get some wood to start a fire?
Marjorie: Ma’am, your daughter’s dazzling eyes can start a fire themselves.
Selina: Well, that’s terrifying.


Selina: Please God, deliver Jonah to Congress and then give him any kind of cancer, I don’t care.


Selina: Jesus Christ. You know, you do your best, you try to serve the people, and then they just fuck you over.
Gary: Yep.
Selina: And you know why? Because they’re ignorant and they’re dumb as shit. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is democracy.

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Taylor Ortega

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Taylor Ortega is a New York based writer and comedian. She performs on Wednesday nights at the PIT and co-hosts "Elite Weekly" on Facebook Live. Buy her a cheese sandwich, please. Insta: carbra_streisand
Taylor Ortega is a New York based writer and comedian. She performs on Wednesday nights at the PIT and co-hosts "Elite Weekly" on Facebook Live. Buy her a cheese sandwich, please. Insta: carbra_streisand

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