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5 Things Taylor Swift Could Buy With Her $170 Million

All those 1989 tour guest-appearances sure paid off for Taylor Swift because she officially topped Forbes' latest list of 100 highest-paid celebrities.

The “New Romantics” singer's $170 million pay day put her ahead of fellow performers Adele, Rihanna and rival Katy Perry, the Associate Press reports.

Taylor has been famous long enough that this money doesn't necessarily need to go straight toward paying off a mansion mortgage, so she has a few options when it comes to Splurgefest 2016.

She can treat herself to:

One big cat made of a mountain of smaller, expertly bred cats.

Taylor Swift is already proud cat mom to Meredith Grey and Olivia Benson, but the odds she'll call it a day at a mere two cats is less likely than her singlehandedly ushering in an era of low-rise pants.

With this year's big, fat money haul, Taylor could pay a breeder to create an entirely new kind of fancy, grumpy, hypo-allergenic feline.

Once the genetic engineering is out of the way, Tay Tay could toss a quick 50 large to Dr. Heiter from “The Human Centipede” to surgically attach every last scrumptious kitten, creating a rare and expensive super cat.


An actual handsome British robot to fuck, marry and eventually kill.

Tay cannot keep her hands off them UK honeys, but the issue of free will certainly keeps her from holding it down with one particular UK honey for too long.

Harry Styles was British, yes, but far too wild. Calvin Harris was slightly more grown-up but, much like Miley in 2010, can't be tamed.

Tom Hiddleston is essentially a toaster with eyebrows and will likely be Taylor's best shot at happiness, but she may want to consider purchasing a sure thing.

Much like the GPS systems that predated them, robots are totally capable of having super hot British accents.

Unlike famous-but-ultimately-cripplingly-insecure male musicians or actors, a robot is never going to get fed up playing second fiddle to a powerful woman like Taylor.

Instead, the robot will offer the 26-year-old all the hot, hot lovin' and compassionate support she needs until the day she eventually smashes him to pieces.

Why? Because control issues aside, Taylor lives for the ~DrAmaHhHhhHh~. It's the foundation on which she built a sturdy career and, without it, her world will feel too dimly lit, even if her robot husband's abs open to reveal an Easy Bake Oven.

So Tay.


Belly-button removal.

For years, Taylor covered up her belly button with high-waisted shorts, sparkly dresses and those short-sleeved turtleneck things.

Initially, she told Lucky magazine she avoided showing her lil' button because she didn't “want people to know whether I have one or not” and wasn't ready to “commit to the midriff thing.”

K.

These days, Taylor is freer with her umbilical exposure, but there's a chance the money wad she brought home this year could allow her to keep the sunshine on her midriff without facing any of her dark, button-based insecurities.

A quick surgery, also likely performed by Dr. Heiter from “The Human Centipede” (he doesn't take insurance but he's amazing at his job), ensures Taylor would never again be forced to choose between grappling with the constant stress of an exposed belly button or spending the summer in a series of bathing suits that look like geriatric diapers.


A small island whereupon she hunts Calvin Harris for sport.

Taylor's song catalogue is the sonic version of a fantasy island retreat where she can hunt her ex-boyfriends for sport.

In songs, when she mentions them by name, quotes their breakup diatribes or references their prized possessions, she's essentially climbing over knotted, gnarly tree roots and baiting the boys with fresh water and sweet meats in the hopes they'll emerge from the brush and into her line of fire.

With the cash she pulled in this year, Tay Tay could finally buy an actual island to use as ex-boyf hunting grounds.

Sure, it would distract her from writing the kinds of songs that have long taken the place of mounting famous man heads on the wall of her den, but this is the natural conclusion her career was always leading to and, deep down, we all love it.


Katy Perry.

Last year, Swift Enemy Numero Uno, Katy Perry, snagged Forbes' number three spot with $135 million in earnings. Since Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao, both athletes, landed respectively in spots one and two, Katy beat out every other entertainer for most money made.

Not one to be out-rich-white-girled two years in a row, Taylor beat Katy in 2016 and may now effectively purchase her essence for a dollar.

Due to a loophole in the structure of Forbes' roundup, Katy's inability to protect her lead on Taylor, a well-known business nemesis, allows Tay to swoop in and own Katy's soul for the cost of a bag of McDonald's apple slices.

The development is heartbreaking, considering the feud has endured years of media attention without once resorting to full spiritual ownership on either pop star's part.

Unfortunately for Katy, that's the cost of doing less than $170 million in business.

Citations: Taylor Swift tops Forbes' list of highest-paid celebs (Associated Press)

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Taylor Ortega

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Taylor Ortega is a New York based writer and comedian. She performs on Wednesday nights at the PIT and co-hosts "Elite Weekly" on Facebook Live. Buy her a cheese sandwich, please. Insta: carbra_streisand
Taylor Ortega is a New York based writer and comedian. She performs on Wednesday nights at the PIT and co-hosts "Elite Weekly" on Facebook Live. Buy her a cheese sandwich, please. Insta: carbra_streisand

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