celebrity

The New Year’s Resolutions Our Favorite Celebrities Are Making In 2014

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Laura Argintar

Celebrities are human, too, and they mess up just as much as (if not more than) us average folk. As the draw of the New Year brings a fresh start to all of us, here’s what these celebrities are hoping and dreaming of this year. Well, since they’ve already got the money, fame, cars and heaux.

The New Year might not live up to the hype, but these resolutions will:

Rob Kardashian: “Lose Weight”

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Rob Kardashian, like every girl who ate a jellybean for dinner, is resolving to lose the extra bulge this year so he can finally feel comfortable on family vacations — not much motivation there. Maybe he’ll even debut his new body in a “Bound 3” music video? Let’s hope not.


Miley Cyrus: “Put My Vagina On A Leash”

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Miley Cyrus has one of the most dangerous pussies in entertainment and she’s been swinging it around town like a “Wrecking Ball.” Miley, we’ve been over you since you were nothing to begin with. Do us all a favor and twerk your way back to the outback you came from.


Channing Tatum: “Be Naked More Often”

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The year 2012 received much action with the sexy stripper flick, “Magic Mike,” but you know what was noticeably absent from 2013? Channing’s Tatummy. (See what we did there?) Congrats on becoming a father, Channing, but what we’d really like to see is more filth and less DILF in the New Year.


George Clooney: “Settle Down”

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George, you go through more women than a Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale draws in. What’s up with that? Are you a player, or are you acting a part? It’s not that we want you off the market; we just want to see you happy with a permanent partner.


Lamar Odom: “Avoid Rob Ford’s Crack Advances”

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Newly divorced Lamar Odom better watch his back, now that he’s single again. Without Khloé Kardashian around, there will be no one to save Lammy from strange men offering enticing drugs. Remember Lamar, don’t take candy from strangers, especially if it’s handed to you on a silver platter.


Robert Pattinson: “Find A Way To Be Relevant Again”

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With “The Hunger Games” totally stealing his “Twilight” thunder, Rob Pattinson is going to have to make serious comeback moves in 2014. The on-again-off-again rumors with K. Stew have expired, along with vampire re-runs on FX. Looks like R. Patz is gonna need some fuel to launch him back into the spotlight. May we kindly suggest a new flame? (Cough, Dakota Johnson, cough.)


Taylor Swift: “Remain In A Long-Term, Committed Relationship”

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We, along with John Mayer, are really wishing that 2014 is the year Tay Swift finally meets the man she’s been singing about. Then maybe we won’t have to listen to anymore terrible breakup songs. What will happen when Tay-Tay falls in love? Hopefully not another album.


Lady Gaga: “Wear Pants”

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We’ve seen so much of Lady Gaga’s ass this past year that we can paint it from memory. We even forgot she dropped an album because she was too busy dropping her butt cheeks everywhere. Gaga’s backside is what deserves the “Applause.”


Reese Witherspoon: “End Drunk Anxiety”

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Remember how painful it was to read about Reese Witherspoon’s arrest for disorderly conduct? Yeah, we can only imagine how Reese must have felt when she finally came out of her blackout and realized she completely embarrassed herself. On the bright side, at least someone was there to recount Reese’s night for her!


Jennifer Aniston: “Seal The Deal”

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For someone whose second wedding has been in tabloids ever since her 2005 split from Brad Pitt, Aniston sure is taking her time tying the knot with fiancé Justin Theroux — over 15 months, to be exact! In 2014, Jennifer Aniston resolves to finally get married and live out her dream of becoming a sedentary housewife who eats SmartFood, instead of SmartWater. We’re on to you, Jennifer.


Kanye West: “I Don’t Make Resolutions Because I Got Nothing That Needs Improving”

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“Who needs New Year’s resolutions when you’re already f*cking awesome?” said Kanye West.


Drake: “Throw Out My Diary”

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All right, Weeping Willow; it’s time you toss the journal you keep under your pillow and write some lyrics that aren’t softer than your crushed velvet blanky.


Leo DiCaprio: “Make A Movie Where I Don’t Play The Same Role As Usual”

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Leo, remember when you used to make movies like, “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape” and “Romeo and Juliet”? We’re not trying to be the Simon Cowell of the bunch, here, but maybe 2014 is the year you switch it up like your ever-changing Victoria’s Secret girlfriends. It’s not like we want a chance with the cashmere-clad Great Gatsby or anything…


Lorde: “Don’t Get So Famous That People Start Treating Me Like Royalty”

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That would really be an image-ruiner, wouldn’t it? Maybe Lorde should just lose the jet planes, islands and tigers on a gold leash and she’ll be…er, golden…? Bitch, don’t kill your own vibe.


Cara Delevingne: “Stop Trying So Hard”

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Okay, so maybe we’re a tee-wee-bit jealous, but Cara Delevingne has got to slow her role. She’s literally everywhere — from fashion billboards, to tabloids, to making out with Miley Cyrus — and we’ve had enough. Word of advice: Pick and choose your campaigns like you do your eyebrow waxers.


Beyoncé: “Be The Best Version Of Myself”

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Because Bey can’t get any more perfect, her New Year’s resolution is to just be her! At the risk of sounding trite, she’ll strive to make this world a better space by positively adding to it.

Top Photo Credit: WENN

Laura Argintar

Laura Argintar

Editor

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