A Ranking Of The Best Celebrity Wines, According To Two Drunk Experts
There’s nothing I love more than stalking celebrities and drinking wine.
Eh, that’s not true. Eating carbs is pretty high on my list, BUT WHATEVER, that’s not the point.
The point is my shithead friend Kelli Boyle and I were sent seven bottles of wine the other day and got blackout at 3 pm.
WHY DID THIS HAPPEN, YOU ASK? Well, it was Monday, and we hate our lives.
It also happened because Vivino hooked us up with some of the top celebrity wines of all time. YEAH, celebrities actually have their own wine brands. LOLOL. If you have money, I guess you can do anything!
Kelli and I decided to spend our afternoon taste testing the top-rated celebrity wines to see if they’re really worth the buy.
I’m probably the least qualified person to ever rate wine because I only judge alcohol off of how fucked up I get. If everything is a blur in two minutes, it’s an A+ in my book.
Vivino is pretty sweet because it’s the world’s largest wine app where you can find out any wine’s rating, review and price.
NO MORE GOING TO CVS TO BUY $5 BERINGER MOSCATO. Now you can be a classy motherfucker and actually buy nice shit.
Kelli and I put our big, hollow heads together to taste a total of seven celebrity wines and rate them based off a few things:
How cute is the bottle? What percent alcohol is it? Does it smell weird? How easy does it go down? Can I fit it in my purse? Will this give me a hangover? Am I blackout after one sip?
We also cleansed our palate in between drinks with potato chips and cookies because we took this shit seriously.
BASED OFF OF THOSE INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT FACTORS, we were able to come to a few conclusions.
Below, check out our official list of celebrity wines, ranked from best to worst.
1. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie — Miraval
OK, so this shit is where it’s at. Miraval wine takes the cake and was our top pick by a landslide.
Not only is the bottle super cute and trendy looking, the wine goes down like water. It was tasty — not too sweet or bitter — and made me feel tipsy right away.
If you want to trick people into thinking you’re classy when you’re really just a ratchet sweaty bitch at heart, drink this. It’ll change your life (and image).
2. Dave Matthews — The Dreaming Tree
THIS BOTTLE WAS SO PRETTY. Look at that gorgeous art on the label. Already killin’ it, Dave.
Kelli and I both were big fans of The Dreaming Tree because it was dry but flavorful.
This is the kind of drink I would take to my cousin’s house when I wanna get low-key blackout on Christmas Eve.
3. Nicki Minaj — Myx Fusions Moscato
NICKIIIIIIIII, my girl. If Kelli and I had to pick one wine to drink for the rest of our lives, this would be it.
I’mma warn you, this shit was sweet AF. It was a little sugary, but IDC. Maybe if you’re a health nut, don’t drink this, but clearly I don’t give a fuck.
Also, the wine came in four separate mini bottles. That means you can fit them all in your purse and take pulls throughout the night.
I sometimes notice I get bad hangovers when I drink moscato that’s too sweet, but I felt fine after this one.
Nicki’s wine is the kind of drink I want to whip out at a bar when I’m dancing on tables and being escorted out by security. Ya feel me?
4. Drew Barrymore — Barrymore
OK, so Barrymore wine didn’t suck, but it could have been better. In Drew’s defense, we did try it after it was sitting in a bag on the floor for a week straight. If it was chilled, it probably would have been good. OOPS?!
Kelli saw the best in Barrymore. I was too drunk to care. It was a little bitter (I think? It’s all a blur), but I definitely could chug this puppy at a party and not throw up afterwards.
5. Christina Milian — Viva Diva
Christina Milian sang the “Kim Possible” theme song, so I had high hopes for this one.
Unfortunately, Viva Diva was very disappointing. It smelled kind of funky and had a really bitter taste. I chugged it to get it down fast, but it wasn’t fun to sip.
Call me, beep me, if you wanna reach me, but don’t bring your wine, Christina. Leave that shit at home.
6. Fergie — Ferguson Crest
FERGIE, WTF?! Ferguson Crest was the first wine Kelli and I opened, and it was so awful I almost vommed. ARE YOU TRYNA POISON ME, GIRL?
The taste was so sour and strong, I want those five seconds of my life back.
Don’t get me wrong, if this was the only wine left on the planet I would certainly drink it to survive, but Ferguson Crest was definitely at the bottom of our short wine tasting list.
7. Donald Trump — TRUMP (aka Satan’s piss)
By the time we got to Trump’s wine, I was already blackout. This stuff could have tasted like candy and it still would be ranked last.
Sorry, Satan. Take your wine somewhere else.
In the end, I suggest you buy all of these celebrity wines (except Trump’s) and test them out for yourselves.
As a disclaimer, Kelli and I have no background in wine tasting or whatever the fuck we just did.
We are not professionals, just two single girls who get drunk on Monday afternoons to escape the reality of our lives.
Just kidding, sort of.