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I Ate Like Gwyneth Paltrow For 5 Days And Now I'm Officially Better Than You

New Year's Day. Hungover AF.

At the Hong Kong International Airport on two hours of sleep with a stomach that hates me, waiting to board my 12-hour flight back to Los Angeles – in the middle seat.

I thought I'd find myself in Asia, but all I found was that I don't love snorkeling and Thai ATMs will eat your debit card.

So, the decision was clear. If I couldn't reach enlightenment in Thailand, there was only one place left to turn: Goop.

Goop is Gwyneth Paltrow's lifestyle brand. She calls it “Goop,” because that's what her friends call her (Gwyneth Paltrow, GP, Goop, get it?). Which must mean that by default, subscribing to Goop makes you besties with Gwyn.

I've been Goop-ing for a while now, because if there's one person I would take lifestyle advice from, it's Gwyneth.

Her skin is ALWAYS glowing, all her friends say she knows everything and I haven't seen an unflattering photo of her since the no-bra, smokey-eye fiasco of '02.

Gwyneth Paltrow 2002 Oscar Dress

Never forget

OK, fine, Goop isn't perfect. Who is?

Sure, there was that time she told us all to steam our vaginas… and yes, she did tell us to spend a casual $15,000 on a gold dildo…and OK, right, now she is telling us to put jade eggs up there.

So maybe Goop doesn't know everything when it comes to what to do with your vag?

But Goop knows detoxes. She drops one every year.

And if there's one thing we could all use after a toxic 2016, it's a detox. Goop's detoxes work; I did one in 2015 and felt completely transformed.

My skin was dewy and glowing, my head was clear and most importantly I felt better than everyone else.

No Filter

Day 5 on the 2015 Detox, no filter

And then I drank all of the sauvignon blanc, ate all of the pizzas and texted all of my exes.

But this year was going to be different. This year was going to be the year of change that would stick! (It's only mid-January, I know I need to calm down).

Goop's 2017 detox follows the clean program. The rules are simple: you can eat and drink anything you want except for alcohol, caffeine, added sugar, gluten, soy, corn and nightshades (any potatoes that aren't sweet, tomatoes, peppers and eggplant emojis).

How hard can that be?

*Laughs nervously*

*Cries*

Goop's detoxes in the past have been a little scarce on food and a lot pricey, so I was pleased to discover this one was heartier and budget-friendly (although I did cut some corners to make it more affordable).

Goop decided to make this detox heartier because,

The fact that it's…cold as fuck outside… can make a diet of smoothies and kale salad pretty unappealing and almost untenable.

Ya think?! Also, this detox is only for five days, and it doesn't require you to whip up a smoothie or press a juice in the middle of the day. (I guess she realized some of her readers have jobs?)

Not to mention the lunches are all easy to take to work and really do upgrade your #SadDeskLunch. You can get the complete breakdown of Goop's 2017 detox here.

WARNING

This detox does require you to spend almost all your free time in the kitchen, so if you're too busy for that noise, she also has the three day working girl detox which looks super easy and is also a pretty solid meal prep plan.

THE PREP

The only thing super expensive on this detox is each morning you're supposed to kick off your day with a GP warming latte, which I kid you not fellow basics, tastes (dare I say it) better than a pumpkin spice latte.

BUT in the latte she wants you to put astragalus ($55 on goop.com), reishi ($50) and tocos ($20, which has nothing to do with tacos, it's just a superfood from brown rice).

Since I didn't want to spend $125 on non-psychedelic mushrooms, I hopped over to Lifehouse Tonics & Elixirs  and picked up a bag of mushroom blend complete with reishi for $24, so same?

shrooms

Let's get high!…on health.

You can find a shopping list for the detox here.

I probably went to about three different stores (Trader Joe's, Whole Foods and my local farmer's market) and spent close to $200 on everything I needed for the five-day detox, which honestly is not bad.

That's about $40 a day, and I had a ton of leftovers that took me through the week. Also, think of all the money you'll be saving not buying food, drinks and Ubers for five days. (I drove to a social event – it was humbling.)

Goop says you just need to do one big meal prep a day, and then allow 20 minutes to make breakfast in the morning and about 20 minutes to make dinner at night.

The other downfall with this detox is if you're single, it's kind of wasteful, as each recipe serves at least two, except for the sweet potato turkey chili that serves six!

So here's my daily approach to the Goop 2017 Annual Detox. I also started mine on a Friday, which made this easier for me.

THE NIGHT BEFORE

I went grocery shopping and prepped the recipes Goop said to. First she wants you to make chicken bone broth, which takes six hours and a crock pot.

I had neither of those, but Brothee was selling fresh bone broth at my local farmer's market, so I grabbed that. They also sell bone broth (which is having a moment) at your local health food store.

Next I made my detox granola bars, which, lesson learned, if you swap aluminum foil for parchment paper, your bars will cook much faster and burn quickly.

If I were to make these again I might also use coconut oil instead of olive oil, because they tasted olive oil-y. And if you thought Nature Valley bars get all over the place, just wait until you bite into one of these babies!

While my bars were baking/burning I made turkey and sweet potato chili, which was super simple and came out great.

Then I prepped my crunchy veggie salad with poached chicken and garlicky sunbutter (sunflower seed butter) dressing for lunch the next day.

I realized halfway through my detox that the sunbutter I was using had added sugar in it, so make sure you get the kind that's just sunflower seeds.

You can also sub almond butter if that's easier to get a hold of.

Also it doesn't say to, but definitely blend your dressing and add the broth from your poached chicken to make the texture smoother so it's not a paste.

I also prepped my breakfasts for the week, because making fresh oatmeal and egg drop soup in the AM is a little too ambitious for me.

The egg drop soup was not as impossible as I thought it would be, you just heat up your bone broth and pour an egg over a slotted spoon or spatula, and then you go on “Top Chef!”

DAY 1

First thing: Warm lemon water upon waking

Breakfast: Apple cinnamon oatmeal & GP's warming latte

Lunch: Crunchy veggie salad with poached chicken and garlicky sunbutter dressing

Snack: Detox granola bar

Dinner: Turkey and sweet potato chili

I cut my first corner by microwaving some water (because who has time for boiling water in the morning?!), and threw some lemon slices and lemon juice in there (they sell bottled fresh lemon juice, which is a huge time saver).

And honestly, the warm lemon water woke me up almost as efficiently as coffee.

Not Lemonade

The first sip towards detoxing

My lemon water also warmed me up on a frigid, 60-degree winter morning in LA.

Then I went to hip-hop candlelit yoga at y7, to really find myself. (By the way, no one is paying me for any of these shoutouts, I'm just REALLY trying to be a lifestyle blogger).

Then I went home and made the GP warming latte, which was a little intimidating. I'm not a fan of making anything with more than four ingredients, and this one had 14!

 

Warming latte

All this stuff has to be good for you…right?

But the latte was delicious, warming (as in the name), savory, frothy and spicy. It was like drinking a bullet proof coffee, without the jitters.

But it also made me feel super full, which annoyed me at first, as I think cleanses and detoxes only work when I feel famished and dying all the time.

GP's Warming Latte

Gabi Conti

instagram.com/itsgabiconti

This warming latte DID warm me to the point that I had to turn on my AC when driving to work in 58-degree weather.

At work, I heated up my oatmeal, threw some walnut pieces in there and it was delicious!

Apple Cinnamon Oatmeal

instagram.com/itsgabiconti

My salad was not photogenic, but it was crunchy and yummy. I added the squeeze of half a lime to keep it tasting fresh.

salad

instagram.com/itsgabiconti

The granola bar snack got everywhere, as expected.

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Gabi Conti

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Gabi Conti

And then when I got home from work, all I had to do was heat up my chili and top it off with fresh avocado, chopped scallions and cilantro.

By the way, if you are one of those people who genetically tastes cilantro as soap, this detox is not for you. Cilantro is in almost everything here, and I learned it's because cilantro is super detoxing.

chilli

instagram.com/itsgabiconti

Honestly, the hardest thing about day one was that I had to go to wine and pizza party that not one, but two of my exes from college were attending. So yeah, I had to make small talk with two exes without the help of my wing woman, Savvy B.

DAY 2

First thing: Warm lemon water upon waking

Breakfast: Egg drop soup and GP's warming latte

Lunch: Turkey and sweet potato chili

Snack: Handful of raw cashews and an apple

Dinner: Lentils with salmon and grilled radicchio

Woke up without a hangover, which felt great. I slept so well on this detox and sometimes found myself waking up before my alarm, like Superwoman.

I made some lemon water and my GP warming latte and had so much energy I went to Cycle House Spin AND Hot Pilates classes back-to-back.

Then I had my egg drop soup.

egg drop soup

instagram.com/itsgabiconti

TBH, soup for breakfast was kind of weird, but I guess it has egg in it, so that makes it brunch-y?

Anyway, for lunch, it felt great having my chili ready for me.

My snack of a handful of cashews (I subbed walnuts that I used for my oatmeal) and an apple was so easy and a good go-to snack hack for life.

I ate it on line at Whole Foods while I was picking up my salmon for dinner.

snack

instagram.com/itsgabiconti

And dinner was easy, too. To ensure my apartment didn't smell of fish, I baked the salmon and radicchio in my oven at 450 degrees for eight minutes and it came out perfectly.

Another corner to cut: instead of making lentils, Trader Joes sells them pre-cooked, then all you need to do is add the carrot, celery and onion AKA mirepoix, which Trader Joes also sells already chopped up, 'cause you're too busy for that!

salmon

#WifeMaterial JK I'm so alone

After dinner, I blended the leftover lentils with bone broth and ginger and boom! Lunch was ready for the next day.

I had so many leftover lentils that I saved them and remade this delicious dish after the detox.

DAY 3

First thing: Warm lemon water upon waking

Breakfast: Rice cake with ½ avocado and hard-boiled egg, plus GP's warming latte

Lunch: Lentil soup

Snack: Detox granola bar

Dinner: Chicken and cabbage dim sum

This day was also super simple; I didn't even have to think.

I am now a pro at making lemon water and warming lattes – I'm basically a Goop barista.

I started to feel skinnier and healthier. No stomach aches. My skin started to glow; I didn't even need the pretty filter on Snapchat.

no filter

Brave 

Since I was still feeling like Superwoman, I kicked off my morning at Rise Nation and spilled my GP morning latte all over my car on the way over, which sucked, but was also very grounding.

oops

Latte down!

I needed that spill, as I was starting to get cocky that I completed two days of a detox.

After Rise Nation I went to another Hot Pilates class (cause I'm an insane person), then made my hardboiled egg for my avocado rice cake, which was also easier than I thought.

avocado rice cake

Food Blogger Life

I made two hard boiled eggs so I would have one for my detox niçoise salad for lunch on day four. Day three's lunch was leftovers, so that was easy.

lentil soup

instagram.com/itsgabiconti

For dinner, I was scared to make the chicken and cabbage dim sum as it looked complicated, but I prayed to Goop and it was incredibly easy and delicious.

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Gabi Conti

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Gabi Conti

The hardest part about this day was my friends all came over to watch the Golden Globes.

And the Golden Globe for best actress goes to… me! For pretending I didn't want to try Drew Barrymore's pinot grigio, when really, I did! I really did!

I ended the night prepping my detox niçoise salad for my next lunch.

DAY 4

First thing: Warm lemon water upon waking

Breakfast: Apple cinnamon oatmeal and GP's warming latte

Lunch: Detox niçoise salad

Snack: Rice cake with avocado and sea salt

Dinner: Laarb lettuce cups and miso sweet potato

Now I was in the swing of things. I found myself craving warm lemon water instead of my morning cup of coffee.

Sure, by the end of the day I would get so tired I could barely function, but that must mean enlightenment is just around the corner!

I kicked off my morning at Pop Physique, where normally I'm half asleep, but this morning I was alert.

Sure, it took every fiber within me not to grab a cup of Peet's coffee after, but I prevailed!

Lunch was amazing. My least favorite part of a nicoise salad anyway is the potatoes, and the avocado felt less like a substitute and more like an upgrade.

salad

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Although, avocado again for a snack? I ate a full avocado that day, and I'm not mad about it.

avocado snack

instagram.com/itsgabiconti

The Laarb lettuce wraps for dinner were amazing. The wraps use the leftover ground chicken from the night before.

I love how you can make two completely different tasting dishes from one inexpensive ingredient (ground chicken is like $5 a pound).

The miso sweet potatoes also came out great, although I am confused since miso is made from soybeans and this detox is allegedly soy-free…so…?

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Gabi Conti

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Gabi Conti

Then I prepped the miso sweet potato collard wrap, which also was intimidating, but it ended up being incredibly easy to make.

Collard wraps are a great gluten-free alternative to wraps. The trick is the shave off the rib so you have a smooth surface.

DAY 5

First thing: Warm lemon water upon waking

Breakfast: Egg drop soup and GP's warming latte

Lunch: Miso sweet potato collard wrap

Snack: Detox granola bar

Dinner: Kitchen sink Thai fried rice

I woke up feeling cocky. I could not believe I made it this far. Enlightenment was reached. I started becoming one of those terrible people who gives everyone advice they don't ask for (it's the least I could do).

I received the ultimate compliment when someone told me I was looking too thin.

The collard wrap, while easy to make, was not super filling and had too much cilantro.

collard wrap

instagram.com/itsgabiconti

I found myself counting down the seconds until I could eat my detox granola bar.

I then reached complete exhaustion after work and had to take a nap before I made my kitchen sink Thai fried rice (I subbed quinoa in for brown rice because it takes less time to cook).

I really liked this dish. It's a great go-to for any night you feel like you have nothing in your fridge.

fried rice

No one wanted to get pizza so I kept detoxing. 🙁

FINAL THOUGHTS

I FEEL GREAT! I'm PMSing right now and I don't even feel bloated!

The recipes were all super simple and now I feel like a pro chef who can casually whip up dumplings, granola bars and a dope salmon dish.

And since these recipes are so easy, and now I have spices like star anise and cardamom laying around, I can easily incorporate these meals into my weekly meal prep.

Also, I loved how much water I was drinking. I think I might actually be one of those people who kicks off each day with a cup of warm lemon water like some Hadid.

The only downside is these recipes are all time-consuming.

On the plus side, this does make the whole not drinking thing attainable, because you'll spend so much time in the kitchen, you won't even think about how much you could go for an Old Fashioned right now. Mmm, bourbon.

Perhaps the biggest disappointment is that I did not transform into Gwyneth Paltrow as I was hoping.

BUT I did find myself feeling happier overall, and you can't put a price on happiness.

(Actually, you can, it's about $200 and saying no to food and drinks you want to consume).

I felt more productive and efficient at work, my memory was sharper, I never felt full or bloated and I didn't wake up each morning feeling like a shell of a person. I also stopped flaking on things, because I could never use “I'm too hungover” as an excuse.

My skin was clearer and had a natural glow, and I definitely lost weight (I don't know how much, because I don't weigh myself).

And while cutting coffee was hard, I found that herbal peppermint decaf tea was a great substitute. Soda water with lime at bars looks exactly like my go-to vodka soda and prevented the “Why aren't you drinking?” questions.

Also, I was shocked to discover that you could drink soda without vodka! Who knew?! And if that doesn't sell you, La Croix is technically Goop-friendly.

I liked this detox and how I felt afterwards so much that I'm still doing it through January and… then I plan to drink all the wine, eat all the pizza and text all my exes (you've been warned).

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Gabi Conti

Staff Writer

Gabi is writer, comedian and professional hopeless romantic. She calls herself a "sex columnist," while her mom calls her a "disappointment." She has written for Hello Giggles, The Daily Currant, Thought Catalog, GenFkd and Popsugar. She was on ...
Gabi is writer, comedian and professional hopeless romantic. She calls herself a "sex columnist," while her mom calls her a "disappointment." She has written for Hello Giggles, The Daily Currant, Thought Catalog, GenFkd and Popsugar. She was on ...

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